Page 7 | DC not included on family trip with EXH

orangepinkblossom · 2024-12-27T22:56:18+00:00

I have just recently been told via my devastated children that their DF is going abroad next year to the States with the OW, her DC and their soon to be born baby. Disney might be on the cards but has not been confirmed by EXH. Apparently OW generous Aunt funds holidays for OW to either visit her or meet in other countries. Our DC have never been on a plane but we have taken a few trip to France and Germany when we were a family and UK holidays. AIBU to think or even suggest EXH should not have accepted the holiday knowing our DC aren't included.

Bellyblueboy · 30/12/2024 18:20

orangepinkblossom · 30/12/2024 17:28

I do believe EXH should have declined the trip or paid himself for the DC to join.

It is a big family get-together with a chance to visit a place the DC have never been before and I probably won't be able to take them on a trip like this for a couple of years until I am in a better financial position if at all.

I could not imagine going on a trip with someone elses children and not my own.

But his baby will be born by then won’t it? So he will be with one of his children?

the choice is to be separated from the baby or separated from the older children if he can’t afford to pay for three teenagers (which I assume would run to thousands as they will need adult fares).

Thursdaygirl · 30/12/2024 18:21

I do believe EXH should have declined the trip or paid himself for the DC to join.

But I never got the impression your children were invited? They can’t just gate crash someone else’s holiday, even if you’re willing to pay?

Duckingella · 30/12/2024 18:28

Why is the new partner the OW?;did he cheat on you with her?

So the new partners aunt is paying for her niece,nieces children and nieces new partner to visit her so unless this women is super generous and has deep pockets then I don't see why she should include her nieces partners kids from a new relationship.

Your kids are older and this isn't a family holiday in the tradition sense.

You sound bitter your ex has moved on.

Kitkat1523 · 30/12/2024 19:15

orangepinkblossom · 30/12/2024 17:28

I do believe EXH should have declined the trip or paid himself for the DC to join.

It is a big family get-together with a chance to visit a place the DC have never been before and I probably won't be able to take them on a trip like this for a couple of years until I am in a better financial position if at all.

I could not imagine going on a trip with someone elses children and not my own.

But he will….and will do it year in and year out now OP…..resign yourself to it and get saving to take yours yourself

SnoopysHoose · 30/12/2024 19:59

You're being a bit ridiculous, so he should never go away anywhere without your joint kids?
It's clearly a family trip for his partners family which he's been included in, it's not really anything to do with your kids tbf.

Ceramiq · 30/12/2024 21:08

Thursdaygirl · 30/12/2024 18:21

I do believe EXH should have declined the trip or paid himself for the DC to join.

But I never got the impression your children were invited? They can’t just gate crash someone else’s holiday, even if you’re willing to pay?

This. The OP's children aren't invited to the party.

Gloriia · 30/12/2024 21:14

It's awful op. Yes yes the ow's Aunt of course wouldn't be expected to pay obviously but what kind of Dad hurts his kids like this?!

All you can do is play it down, don't talk about it and sadly your dc will realise what a disappointment their Dad is and no doubt it will be the start of a deterioration of their relationship.

knittedosocks · 30/12/2024 21:41

I know this may sound harsh but when parents decide to separate then part and parcel of the separation is that the "nuclear family" is no longer.

This means that whoever instigates the separation should ideally understand that whatever situation arises after the separation, be it subsequent marriages, half or step siblings etc, will have an impact on children within the family and cannot be controlled.

You cannot separate and influence others who are not connected to you or your children.
You can't ensure your children are shown love as you do, be it through time, being included or invited, or through monetary gifts by people who are not directly related to them.

By separating you are therefore deciding that this unpredictable future situation is better, however it may be, than staying together. You can't have your cake and eat it!

Obviously many separations are not mutually agreed upon, therefore the other partner(mother) is often left to pick up the pieces.

LePetitMaman · 30/12/2024 21:44

Lulabellez · 30/12/2024 11:29

It’s not about the Aunt though. It’s about the Dad going with his new family and not taking his children. How many mothers would do that? If your new partners aunt offered to pay for you and your new child and stepson's holiday? Would you really leave your 2 other children with their dad for 2 weeks because “that’s the reality” be for real???? If this was a dad posting about a woman the replies would be different. The Aunt should not pay but both the new partner and the dad should have the brains to turn it down unless all children can go. Unless the dad also does not go and that’s the only way it would be fair. They have not considered the boys feelings in this at all and they will never forget it. Just as they’d never forget their mother doing the same.

Simon, 3yrs, has two parents, Sam and Sally. They are a couple.

Daisy, 17yrs, has two parents. Sam (Simon's dad) and Debbie.

Debbie has a husband and they took Daisy to Greece last year. So, Daisy has a holiday paid for by one parent, with one parent and their partner in attendance. Because Daisy doesn't live with both her parents, so she won't ever go with both of them (anymore). Sam couldn't afford to pay for Daisy to go to Greece, irrespective of the fact it's not his holiday to go on.

Sally wants to take Simon to Spain. His holiday is paid for by his aunt, with both parents in attendance, because they live together. Sam couldn't afford to pay for Simon to go to Spain.

Daisy goes on a holiday with zero contribution from her father, Sam. Simon goes on holiday with zero contribution from his father, Sam.

Sam only goes with Simon because he is being gifted a ticket by Simon's maternal family, because he lives with Simon's mother. It's not just because he's Simon's dad, because if he was Sally's ex, he wouldn't be getting a ticket.

Sam is treating his children equally. It is Sam himself who's getting the special treatment, not Simon. The idea that Simon can't have his father, whom he lives accept a free ticket to Spain because he's also Daisy's Dad, when it's perfectly fine for Daisy to go away with the adults in her house, is ridiculous. This is solely because Daisy's parents don't live together. They fucked that up. Not Simon, or Sally. Sally shouldn't have to turn down amazing free holidays with her husband and child, from her family, because Debbie and Sam can't make a marriage work, and had a child.

That's what happens when people split up and already have kids. The kids have two households, two lives, and they are not supposed to be mirror images. Sometimes this works in Daisy's favour and sometimes it doesn't. It's not for Simon to live a weird second rate life skirting around Daisy. He's an equal. He gets to be prioritised too.

Cherry8809 · 30/12/2024 21:48

They’re allowed to take a vacation as a separate family unit..

Laurmolonlabe · 30/12/2024 22:51

Very often when men change allegiance to a women they change their allegiance to their children too, it's incredibly unfair and hurtful, but it's a fact. My own father did this when he divorced my mother- I was disadvantaged financially and emotionally, it continued into adult years and now he is old he openly admits my half brother despite having 10 times the financial support I did will inherit three quarters of his estate and I am to get a quarter- there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, it's his choice. I had to decide whether to cut him off or shallow it and not lose having a relationship with him.
It's a psychological thing with men- he has cut off my mother and blames her and I carry some of the blame-so he saw nothing wrong in treating me unequally with my half brother, and still sees nothing wrong with it at 90 years old.
You have to accept that your children will not be treated equally with the children of his new wife, unfair, but there is nothing you can do about it.

LePetitMaman · 30/12/2024 23:13

Laurmolonlabe · 30/12/2024 22:51

Very often when men change allegiance to a women they change their allegiance to their children too, it's incredibly unfair and hurtful, but it's a fact. My own father did this when he divorced my mother- I was disadvantaged financially and emotionally, it continued into adult years and now he is old he openly admits my half brother despite having 10 times the financial support I did will inherit three quarters of his estate and I am to get a quarter- there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, it's his choice. I had to decide whether to cut him off or shallow it and not lose having a relationship with him.
It's a psychological thing with men- he has cut off my mother and blames her and I carry some of the blame-so he saw nothing wrong in treating me unequally with my half brother, and still sees nothing wrong with it at 90 years old.
You have to accept that your children will not be treated equally with the children of his new wife, unfair, but there is nothing you can do about it.

Is the "I get 1/4, my half brother gets 3/4" because when you look at the whole pot, 1/2 is your dad's and 1/2 is your stepmothers?

So dad splits his half equally between you and his other child, and the mother leaves her half to the child that's only hers?

Laurmolonlabe · 31/12/2024 10:36

Yep that's the argument- but he refused point blank to help me at all at university- but paid for my half brother the whole way. His mother died just before I went to university, and was going to support me, my Dad claimed she left no money, but that was a lie she left £25,000 ,all of which he kept.
So it isn't quite as straight forward as it looks.

Cocolove287 · 31/12/2024 11:06

Laurmolonlabe · 31/12/2024 10:36

Yep that's the argument- but he refused point blank to help me at all at university- but paid for my half brother the whole way. His mother died just before I went to university, and was going to support me, my Dad claimed she left no money, but that was a lie she left £25,000 ,all of which he kept.
So it isn't quite as straight forward as it looks.

But that is a very fair argument is it not? How do you know your half brother's uni fees weren't paid by his own mother or his mother's family? And the £25k your grandmother left, was to your Dad and was never your money to claim...

TwistedWonder · 31/12/2024 11:14

Sorry OP although I understand you’re hurt, I do think your feelings for the OW are clouding your judgement here.

The OW is having a family holiday paid for by a wealthy relative. Regardless of your feelings, this isn’t about you or your DC and no I don’t agree that they should be included. It would be nice for their dad to take them away on holiday another time but you can’t force him to unfortunately.

Laurmolonlabe · 31/12/2024 11:25

Because his mother has no money and didn't have a job.

RubyOrca · 31/12/2024 11:41

YABU. Your ex gets to go on holiday with his partner and their family.

It’s hard when blended families have different financial resources and different lifestyles. Actually blended families are just hard. He’s now got kids with you, step kids, and kids with new partner. There’s a good chance he lives with those step kids, and his kids with you live with him some of the time and you some of the time. They aren’t going to have the same life. Especially as it sounds like the partner’s family is wealthy.

This holiday is not his holiday - he’s simply the partner of the person invited, and is invited as the partner. There’s no reason his kids, that aren’t related to the family hosting the holiday, would be invited.

I get being upset on your kids’ behalf. Nobody likes seeing their kids miss out on stuff because they can’t afford it. But if you don’t have the money for fancy overseas holidays the kids will just have to get used to that. The ex skipping the holiday achieves nothing - the kids still aren’t going (while their siblings are), and damages that family unit.

MrsSunshine2b · 31/12/2024 12:28

Laurmolonlabe · 31/12/2024 11:25

Because his mother has no money and didn't have a job.

You're going to be older than your younger half-brother and Uni has been rapidly increasing in cost. My brother is 5 years younger than me and my parents paid his rent, because cost of living went up and student loans didn't in the intervening years. They also said that his course was more intensive than mine so he couldn't work- whereas I did throughout. I believe that you don't feel loved by your Dad and he hasn't made you feel cherished by him. However, you cannot expect financial equity with siblings, especially when there's a big gap in age or when there are two households involved.

Laurmolonlabe · 31/12/2024 15:57

Everyone's situation is different- my main quibble is that my Dad lied about his mother leaving him money in order not to contribute when I went to university- I had no support whatsoever because both of my parents emigrated in my first year at uni, so it's not just a lack of money it's a lack of any support whatsoever- plus he stone cold lied. I didn't expect equity, my step mother had made it quite clear from the very first that would never happen.
I thought at the last he might take the opportunity to be a little fairer, plus I had always assumed he told the truth.

LePetitMaman · 31/12/2024 17:00

Cocolove287 · 31/12/2024 11:06

But that is a very fair argument is it not? How do you know your half brother's uni fees weren't paid by his own mother or his mother's family? And the £25k your grandmother left, was to your Dad and was never your money to claim...

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It's more than a very fair argument.

You're getting what you're supposed to get @Laurmolonlabe

You've got your own mother to inherit from. Why do you think you should get some random woman's inheritance above her own child? In fact, not think you should, but actually find it audacious that you haven't been given someone else's inheritance.

Honestly, the planet some people live on. "Can you believe I'm only inheriting exactly what I should from my mother and father? I'm not being gifted my stepmother's inheritance as well, she's giving it to her actual child??!!"

Crazyworldmum · 24/03/2025 13:42

I do my best to take my step children with us , we been to Disneyworkd and they came , we been to Greece , Spain Turkey and they came . A couple of times we went when they where in school and was not possible . They have holidays with their mum too that our guide en don’t have so I don’t think that it’s necessarily wrong to take a holiday without the step children . but this off course will be my take as we have a holiday a year at least with egg step kids too and they are mostly included in everything ( as much as they what and can as they live abroad ) .
If your partner doesn’t take them on holidays an sis now taking only the other child then that would be upsetting for them . Are they having another holiday with them too , or just that one ?

Crazyworldmum · 24/03/2025 13:48

How old are your children ? That’s important too

MrsKeats · 25/03/2025 09:39

You really need to stop calling her the OW and get on with your life.
Their new baby will be related to your kids.
Time to grow up.