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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC not included on family trip with EXH

173 replies

orangepinkblossom · 27/12/2024 22:56

I have just recently been told via my devastated children that their DF is going abroad next year to the States with the OW, her DC and their soon to be born baby. Disney might be on the cards but has not been confirmed by EXH.

Apparently OW generous Aunt funds holidays for OW to either visit her or meet in other countries.

Our DC have never been on a plane but we have taken a few trip to France and Germany when we were a family and UK holidays.

AIBU to think or even suggest EXH should not have accepted the holiday knowing our DC aren't included.

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 28/12/2024 15:34

notbelieved · 28/12/2024 15:26

But the OP logically has no responsibility towards this woman’s children, half siblings or not. There is no good reason they should be included in her family unit.

There is every reason why theOP’s children should be included in their father’s family unit.

I don’t, however, think the aunt should pay for children that come as a part of the blended family. Dad should ensure they are included - they all go, or his wife and associated children go alone.

Show quote history

this is just life ….he can’t afford to take the older ones, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go…l it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Mumofacertainage · 28/12/2024 15:35

Friend of mine split up had one child. His parents very wealthy, so the one daughter is in line to inherit multiple property and cash and certainly gifted a home. Each partner has married poorer people man friend has had no further kids, ex has a baby. There will be a massive wealth difference between my friend’s daughter and her half sibling, but there is no way to mitigate this fairly.
Sometimes life is not fair, this holiday situation is a smaller version. The aunt may not want to holiday with stranger kids even if Dad could pay.

lizzyBennet08 · 28/12/2024 15:41

Honestly he's been invited by the aunt as her nieces plus one and that's all. I don't think you are being reasonable to be so annoyed by this. Yes it's a nice trip for him that his kids can t afford but such is life.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 28/12/2024 16:03

I can see why your kids are upset but there’s nothing you can do about his choices. All you can do is protect your children from further hurt by trying to play it down rather than increase the drama.

LePetitMaman · 28/12/2024 16:05

Leavesandacorns · 28/12/2024 07:42

That's really sad for your children. I can't imagine any good parent going on such an exciting holiday and leaving some of his children out.

Obviously the aunt doesn't have to pay for them, but if their dad can't save up to cover their expenses, he shouldn't be going at all.

Sorry but what utter bollocks.

Aunt Pearl in America has a niece, Jane. Jane has a child, and is pregnant with another. Pearl says to Jane, I'm going to pay for you and your daughter to come over. If you would like, I can pay for Tom to come too, as he is the baby's father and I haven't met him.

Meanwhile, Susan is fuming. Her adult child and another, aged 17 aren't invited and fully funded by Pearl because Tom is the father of the adult child and the 17yr old. Actually Tom should decline the opportunity to meet Pearl or accompany his pregnant partner on a trip because the adult and 17yr old aren't being taken to meet the aunt of their father's new girlfriend.

What the actual???

notbelieved · 28/12/2024 16:06

ClareBlue · 28/12/2024 12:53

The reality of blended families. You see an injustice because you still all his priorities should be for your shared children as they were when you were together. They are not anymore. He has a baby who has a different mother, is part of a family that have no connection to you or your children other than one of them chosing the father of your children to be their partner. Insisting on calling her the OW when they obviously have a life together comes across as you still haven't moved on and accepted the reality that he is going to be experiencing things that don't involve his previous family unit from now on. Hopefully he will still keep up involvement with his children he shares with you. It's not a given. Plenty don't, especially if the mother of the shared children from the previous relationship is bitter and highlighting injustices all the time to the children, or putting down his new family unit.
This might not be the case at all here, but I've seen it play out in real time in our extended family exactly how you are describing events. The father with a new family unit hardly sees his adult children now. The mother of the shared children is still talking about injustices when they were children around holidays etc.

Fucking hell. I mean, where do you start with this shite?

OP can call the woman who inserted herself into her life, who was an integral part of her family breakdown, whatever the fuck she wants. Whether the OP has ‘moved on’ is not the issue here, is it? And bless him, he can have as many experiences as he needs to but he can remember he has existing children and ensure that they are included in his new family - because surely this is a blended family. No, actually, clearly you don’t think that’s reasonable. Existing children and their mothers should shut the fuck up about their experiences and discomfort if they want dad to remain in the children’s lives. And if he fucks off without so much as a backward glance, it must be because the ex is twisted and bitter.

You are massively a part of the problem here, you know that , right? If the ‘new family unit’ is uncomfortable with the truth pointed out to existing children, perhaps it needs a rethink?

The OP stayed. She didn’t change anything. She’s doing her best with the shitty card she’s been handed. She is not responsible for her ex’s behaviour and the impact it has on his existing children. OP - ignore misogynistic shite spouted by people like this, you’re not wrong here.

Quitelikeit · 28/12/2024 16:12

Gosh that sound horrendous op what you have all been through. I totally understand why this was s like a knife through the heart given the latest post.

Someday you will be happy but for now don’t give them any headspace

MrsSunshine2b · 28/12/2024 16:30

I think your bitterness towards his new wife is colouring your perception of this. Her aunt has bought a holiday for her nephews and nieces, and he happens to be the father of one of them, it's not really anything to do with your DC. How old are your DCs? If they are teens and the other children are small or babies, this is another good reason why an all-together family holiday is probably not for the best, considering they will have completely different interests and needs on a holiday.

Sadly, I don't have a wealthy aunt but we went on holiday in term time when my DD was at nursery without SD14. We wouldn't have been able to afford holiday time so either we went without SD, or no-one went. It was a totally toddler focused holiday.

O6bftdff · 28/12/2024 16:34

EG94 · 27/12/2024 23:20

Ask yourself, if you booked a holiday next year would you pay to take their half brother and OW’s children with you. If the answer no and you know why it’s no, that will help you to hopefully gain some perspective on why your kids aren’t going

This isn’t the same at all. OP would take her own son and so should the ex.

Hollietree · 28/12/2024 16:51

So will you never do anything fun when your children are with their Dad? Just sit around being bored because it wouldn't be fair for them to miss out on what you are doing?

outerspacepotato · 28/12/2024 16:55

"because surely this is a blended family."

OP's resentment and entitlement is in reality going to work to prevent that. Moving to high conflict with the ex by weaponizing her teens in an attempt to guilt and shame a man who obviously doesn't care about that is going to backfire on her children and that's going to be a lot worse for them than not going on a trip.

He's moved on and attempts to hurt him for that are going to strain his relationship with OP's kids. That's reality.

Ceramiq · 28/12/2024 17:00

You need to get a grip. Your exH has been included on a holiday funded by his new partner's aunt and he is very fortunate. Unsurprisingly, his new partner's two children have also been included in the invitation. Your two children with your exH have nothing to do with this trip.

You need to revise your understanding of boundaries.

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 28/12/2024 17:01

I think it’s probably reasonable they go since it’s the aunt who is no relationship to your children funding the trip. If your exh could manage to find the money to include your DC I think he should but if not it’s unfortunate but one of those things. No different to the aunt buying expensive gifts which your children won’t receive. But it will sting - maybe exH could do something special with them to make it up at bit.

If it was the exH funding I’d feel differently as I think all children of a household (whether they live there permanently or not) should be treated equally. It makes me (and my DD) sad my ExH regularly holidays without her with his new family (he can afford to take her too). In contrast my DH thankfully has never even suggested we holiday with our shared child but without eldest.

Ceramiq · 28/12/2024 17:02

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 28/12/2024 17:01

I think it’s probably reasonable they go since it’s the aunt who is no relationship to your children funding the trip. If your exh could manage to find the money to include your DC I think he should but if not it’s unfortunate but one of those things. No different to the aunt buying expensive gifts which your children won’t receive. But it will sting - maybe exH could do something special with them to make it up at bit.

If it was the exH funding I’d feel differently as I think all children of a household (whether they live there permanently or not) should be treated equally. It makes me (and my DD) sad my ExH regularly holidays without her with his new family (he can afford to take her too). In contrast my DH thankfully has never even suggested we holiday with our shared child but without eldest.

The aunt might not take kindly to having two other unrelated children tag along on the trip. It's her treat and she sets the rules.

YellowPixie · 28/12/2024 17:09

And today's thread evidencing that blended families are more often than not a shitshow is....

OP you cannot demand that your adult children are taken to the US by someone they are unrelated to. Or demand that their father either doesn't go, or pays for them to accompany their father and his partner on a trip they were not invited on in the first place.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 28/12/2024 17:10

That must hurt your children so much and it is so so hard to see your children hurting, I really feel for you OP. I have a step son and I wouldn't have left him out of family holidays, he's 18 now so can't necessarily come with us but he always knows he's welcome to if he wants. I think your DH is being very unkind, no the aunt shouldn't have to pay for the sdc but the family could and should consider how to work out holidays that can include all his dc.

Thursdaygirl · 28/12/2024 17:24

Playgroundincident · 27/12/2024 23:18

Why would her aunt pay for two children who are not related to her to go on holiday.?

This

UndermyShoeJoe · 28/12/2024 17:28

Its not up to the step parents or their family to provide for your children.

Your argument is purely with your ex husband going on holiday with his new family and not being able to pay for his to join.

He should make sure he can personally take his own children on a holiday but if step aunty can pay 50k but dad can only pay 5k then that’s what’s it is. Your children get what their parents as in you and your ex husband can afford not other people.

UndermyShoeJoe · 28/12/2024 17:28

Thursdaygirl · 28/12/2024 17:24

This

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Might want to post that over on the panto thread 😅

xyz111 · 28/12/2024 17:50

But it's the aunt that's paying for it. So of course your DC won't be invited. YABU

strawberrysea · 28/12/2024 17:56

Lifestooshort71 · 28/12/2024 07:14

My grandchild used to go on wet and windy uk camping trips with dad's new family. It was slotted in to the summer hols between their trips to Dubai and Disney. We used to encourage them to laugh about it - imagine being stuck with that family for 2 weeks! We took them on cheaper trips and had a ball. It's* *unreasonable to expect them to be included tbh (even if it's the dad that is paying) so it's down to the adults to help them handle it in a positive way - try and cut out the 'poor little you' comments as they won't help the child in life.

So toxic.

Thursdaygirl · 28/12/2024 18:12

@UndermyShoeJoe you mention a panto thread - is this in AIBU?

UndermyShoeJoe · 28/12/2024 18:16

Thursdaygirl · 28/12/2024 18:12

@UndermyShoeJoe you mention a panto thread - is this in AIBU?

Yes the invitation for one child thread. A mother who’s upset her oldest child isn’t accepted and treated and invited to all as her youngest is from her youngest aunty/grandparents.

A fun argument of “package” vs each child has its own family and it not up to the step aunties and granny’s to make up for poorer or just shit relatives of the step.

Lifestooshort71 · 28/12/2024 19:05

fuzzychic · 28/12/2024 07:29

That doesn't sound very positive- slagging off that family

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You don't actually know how that family treated them throughout the year - at 15 thr grandchild decided not to visit any more for various reasons. Their father wouldn't fight their corner and now has the relationship with his first born that he deserves.

Original poster
orangepinkblossom · 28/12/2024 20:20

Update:

DC follow OW nieces/nephews on snapchat, they have all met up in person. Been invited and attended some family events together. A weekend Christmas getaway, halloween event etc

Turns out the big trip next summer includes the OW nieces/nephews and her siblings.

Yes I am going to be bloody well upset about all of this. I have to navigate my DC feelings of being second best to their 'D'F because he shacked up with someone considerably younger than me and gets to play happy families right in front of our DC eyes.

OP posts: