DC not included on family trip with EXH

[orangepinkblossom]

I have just recently been told via my devastated children that their DF is going abroad next year to the States with the OW, her DC and their soon to be born baby. Disney might be on the cards but has not been confirmed by EXH.

Apparently OW generous Aunt funds holidays for OW to either visit her or meet in other countries.

Our DC have never been on a plane but we have taken a few trip to France and Germany when we were a family and UK holidays.

AIBU to think or even suggest EXH should not have accepted the holiday knowing our DC aren't included.

This does suck for your children. Their dad, I assume, had an affair and is now living with that woman. She has a generous aunt who funds a nice lifestyle for her and her children.

understandably that aunt does not include your children in her largess. (Although there is another thread which would demand she does!).

hopefully your husband explained that he simply can’t afford to take his three children - and it wouldn’t be right or fair to expect this lady to fund them. He also needs to explain to them why he thinks it is okay for him to go without them.

but there is nothing you can do - there will be lots of holidays over the years that he do with this family that your children will not be included in. Because he can’t afford to pay for them and his partner’s family won’t fund three extra places on.

No. His partners Aunt is funding. Your children aren't part of her family.
Save up and take them on a plane. Flights to Italy go for £16, £18,£33, all the time, I know because I've been on plenty.

This kind of changes things a lot OP.

If they've got to that age and never been on an airplane (fine, I didn't until I was 18), then can you perhaps save up and take them before the oldest takes his/herself?

They were both obviously unreasonable to have cheated and had an adulterous relationship, and your ongoing rage and jealousy is understandable.

But here you're being unreasonable.

Why should he refuse a trip for her and his children from a generous aunt funding a gift for her own family. Why should he spoil the innocent kids trip.

Let it go. Their relationship and family holiday arrangements are now none of your business.

But keep up the narrative that he needs to be attentive to his two older children, too. As a separate part of their life.

Why should he sit out? The children are old enough to understand why they are not invited - it is not their family!

Will you take his child with his partner on your future holidays?

It’s not the same though is it? This is the children’s dad. So one parent will be on the holiday.

its not the same as taking children who aren’t related to you at all on holiday.

The reality of blended families. You see an injustice because you still all his priorities should be for your shared children as they were when you were together. They are not anymore. He has a baby who has a different mother, is part of a family that have no connection to you or your children other than one of them chosing the father of your children to be their partner. Insisting on calling her the OW when they obviously have a life together comes across as you still haven't moved on and accepted the reality that he is going to be experiencing things that don't involve his previous family unit from now on. Hopefully he will still keep up involvement with his children he shares with you. It's not a given. Plenty don't, especially if the mother of the shared children from the previous relationship is bitter and highlighting injustices all the time to the children, or putting down his new family unit.
This might not be the case at all here, but I've seen it play out in real time in our extended family exactly how you are describing events. The father with a new family unit hardly sees his adult children now. The mother of the shared children is still talking about injustices when they were children around holidays etc.

Your ex is going on a vacation with his wife and children that is being funded by his new wife's generousrelative.

Your expectation that he takes your nearly adult children is unreasonable. Your households are separate now and it's irrational to expect wife's relative to pay for your kids. They're going to be making a life as a family that doesn't include your kids in everything and it's time to gently make your kids aware of that.

That's the reality of split multiplefamilies.

Regarding using the term OW, she was and I will continue to see her that way. My EXH walked out less than 48 hours later after saying he had been seeing someone for a number of months and wanted to be with her.

All the DC are devastated and it probably runs deeper than just another holiday they are not invited or included in. They have to accept and see their DF playing happy families with someone else and other children when they miss out on all those moments.

He has visited places we promised together and spoke to with the children that we would go one day.

I see and understand it would be unreasonable for the Aunt to pay for our DC to go. But it is very hard to make it sting less for them.. their new sibling will be going and step siblings on another trip abroad.

This. He can't take the big kids out of school anyway and might not be able to afford to take them even if he could.
You need to try to chat to him about holidays.
It should be for example -

Your kids get one holiday with their dad and half is mine and one holiday with you.
His kids/step kid get one holiday with their dad and half/step siblings and one holiday with just their parents/stepparent.

This means that each children get two holidays each, which feels more fair. Explain it to your kids like this. Point out to them that the little kids don't get to come on the fun thing that you take them on (sorry if you can't compete with Disney tho!)

But really there's no reason for him to mention it until the kids are old enough to talk.

Usual SM cliches coming out here

OP has made no suggestion that the Aunt should fund her EXs children she does think her EX should have considered how his children might feel before accepting.

EX should either have kept his mouth shut or stumped up the cash for his 2 to go aswell. He does need to take his children on holiday though and not rely on the OP to provide what he should be.

Is OP allowed to be pissed off that she is the one left dealing with 2 upset children - absolutely. It is going to get worse and will be when EX comes back with or without a present for them.

I think this is one of those things with blended families there is just no fair solution. The aunt who is paying I assume to see all of her niece, great nieces and nephews so of course the baby is included and your ex is the baby's dad.
Does the aunt even have a relationship with your kids? Presumably not and your ex doesn't sounds like he has enough money to cover them so there isn't any other solution other than none of them go.

EX should either have kept his mouth shut or stumped up the cash for his 2 to go aswell. He does need to take his children on holiday though and not rely on the OP to provide what he should be.

I mean, no he doesn't need to take his children on holiday. It's not a right.

It's ridiculous to say he should keep his mouth shut. I imagine they'd feel a lot worse if they found out after the event.

No he does not need to but seems like he goes on holiday with this DSC enough , love the second families where SD subsidises the SDC to go on holiday but can never afford to take his own

OP either way left pickig up the pieces fo a mess that is none of her making

I understand you are furious with your ex for cheating and breaking your family. That's natural.

But calling her OW when the father of your kids is making a life with her and their kid and showing that rage and resentment and making a big deal out of him taking a trip with his new family, it's not helping your kids deal with all the new in their lives in a healthy manner. Things change, people break promises, shit happens, people take trips. Model realistic expectations for them. Teach them resilience.

If your teens really are emotionally devastated over not being included, maybe some therapy would help.

This is probably the first of many trips like this that will not include your DC….. they will get used to it hopefully….can you save and take them away on a plane?

Yes I think yabu. Ex can’t afford to take his dc’s on holiday to the USA and is only
going himself because his partners aunt is paying.

You will be doing your kids a massive favour by helping them to understand the dynamics which now exist due to your EXDH having another family and relatives by marriage who are not connected to your kids. Reacting as if it's a shocking thing that they weren't included is deeply unfair on them.

Yeah I agree with this really. It’s not nice for your children to see, I absolutely get that, but this isn’t going to be the last time this happens and if it is the aunt funding these trips she is never going to pay for your children and there’s no reason why she should. You’d be better off spending your time and energy helping your children cope with this and see it for what it is.

I can totally see why you and your kids might be upset and it might have been better if he hadn't said anything.

But the reality is you are not a family unit anymore so whilst one would hope he continues to love and care for/care about your shared children, his current life is with his new partner and you can't control what he does, where he goes or who he takes with him.

If you take the view that your children have to go wherever the other children go, then you are potentially depriving your children of a 1-1 relationship with their dad, as by the same reasoning any future children he had would have to come too.

The best you can do is explain to him that this was badly done on his part, mind what he says in future, and request he consider taking them on holiday himself or help you to pay towards a decent holiday with you.

But the OP logically has no responsibility towards this woman’s children, half siblings or not. There is no good reason they should be included in her family unit.

There is every reason why theOP’s children should be included in their father’s family unit.

I don’t, however, think the aunt should pay for children that come as a part of the blended family. Dad should ensure they are included - they all go, or his wife and associated children go alone.

It seems like the trip is organised by ow and her aunt - can he afford to pay for his kids even if they had been invited?
It's not ideal but nothing you can do you have my sympathies ex dp does similar he gives our dc all the details of the 3 holidays abroad he had last year then took dc to a caravan that isn't even on a site so literally just a field.

What because first family kids shouldn’t miss out? By that same token what about all the family holidays and days out first family children had that second family children won’t have? It’s just life they all have to adjust and accept and lives don’t stop or go on hold because first children aren’t or can’t be involved

Dad should ensure they are included - they all go, or his wife and associated children go alone.

Again, no. Why should his own child not have their father there, or why should he miss out on a holiday with his child.

Because we have to favour first families over second?