MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

Totally with you. Make up isn’t for small children (and let’s face it it is only really bought for girls), children should be taught they are beautiful as they are. Don’t even get me started on 8 year olds asking for face cream, what are we doing as a society to our children I just don’t know.
The main thing is does yout MIL know you don’t agree with make up for her? If she doesn’t then she isn’t doing anything wrong, if she does then of course this is wrong. Just be firm and let her know you don’t want her having make up. If she doesn’t listen then you will need to remove the gifts.

I saw a reel on Instagram recently by a paediatrician talking about the craze of pre-teens spending serious money in Sephora and going OTT on retinoids. YIKES.

Make up really isn't feminine anymore, nor is it necessarily about covering up who you are. For a lot of people it's a form of art, and as many men as women are professional make up artists. The gift is fine, it's down to you to provide your daughter with the right supporting message. Denying her basic things that she likes is not going to do you or her any favours at all.

I mean, make-up IS much more worn by women than men. It’s kind of total bollocks to claim otherwise. It’s also in very large part worn to cover up perceived problems: look at concealer, anti-wrinkle, mascara, eyebrow pencils etc. Yes, some people are using it as art and self expression, but let’s not kid ourselves that a lot of people are using it as part of a drive to look prettier. Which personally I think isn’t an awesome part of what society trains women to want.

Make up for a three year old? Horrifying.

You sound like hard work. Sorry.
I think you need to be careful not to project too much onto your daughter.

Oh. I definitely am :)
Your point about projection is totally fair. But I think based on the spread of responses I've gotten, that I'm not totally off base in my instinct about drawing a boundary about this.

Yep! 🤣 my nieces got one too and they all love them

On the issue of letting MIL know: this is the problem. She is resistant to all such messaging. It is instantly either minimised or dismissed. Much like many of the commentators on here, I get an instant refrain along the lines of "you're too much", even if I consciously try to put things lightly or invite an open conversation. Or, she will (infuriatingly), tell me she agrees, and then dismiss the whole thing to DH later (something he has told her to stop doing; e.g. "She told me about this 'dirty dozen' list for organic fruit? What a load of bollocks'. After telling me of course she agrees we should give 3 organic fruit from that list, and they buy all organic themselves... ).

This is why I haven't (yet?) broached this as a 'conversation' at all.

The other thing is that until this summer, she had not even seen or visited DH, despite living 5 hours away from us. She claimed to be busy, and didn't invite us to visit her either. This is all another convo, but it gives context that I think may explain my anger that may only partially be related to make up.

OHMYGOSH it's the same bag!!!

I now SO want to sneak into 3's room and risk waking her by taking a photo 😂

I just don't know why a three year old need such regular exposure to either topic to be honest- skincare or make up. She's so little and there's a lot more to life. I understand you want to address gender stereotypes etc but I feel like you're creating one. Why is skincare so important? It's hardly up there with eating greens, exercise and brushing your teeth. A little kid doesn't need to worry about SPF for many years (unless it's sunny etc).

Your massively over reacting.

I dont wear make up at all, My DD absolutely loved Make up from being around 3 to around 8. Shes almost 10 now and doesnt bother with it, my DS also enjoyed putting on her make up and dressing up stuff ( he had his own dressing up stuff too 😅

I think its only as deep as you make it. Your DD isnt thinking about grown up issues, shes just a kid wanting to have fun

If you’re bothered nothing is stopping you to unwrap the gifts when you get them, remove whatever you don’t think it’s appropriate and re-wrap.

I haven’t RTFT or even all your replies OP, just seen the vote that you are apparently being unreasonable, according to the majority. I however don’t think you are being at all, and I had similar issues with my MIL (although my reasons probably weren’t as strong as yours, with your upbringing etc)
I just dislike makeup for kids /
I even hate “you look pretty” comments from MIL just because DD is wearing a pink dress or has her hair down - pisses my right off.
Fortunately we were given adds gifts from MIL first so I would open them and ‘vet’ them first, so then if there was something I didn’t want DD to have, like same as you, makeup when pretty much still a toddler, I wouldn’t give it to her. Same with cropped tops, Lol Dolls and other such crap. DH agreed with me but wouldn’t confront his mother outright, it was just snarky comments from us both for a while, or curled lips, or addressing it as more of a broader conversation. It was clear she knew full well what we were getting at and yet it continued - felt like a power play to be honest. I ended up saying to her “I don’t know why you give her these things, when we, her parents ultimately get to decide what she does and doesn’t have, and we won’t be allowing her to wear/use/play with these kind of things, so you may as well stop buying them for her.” Eventually she got the hint, but not without us being very direct with her.
You and your DH need to put on a united front, educate the woman, keep pointing it out and make clear your views. Your DD is your child, and I think you’re doing the right thing @LearningToMum

Also, slightly off topic but not, see about getting Little People Big Dreams books for your DD - Lots of inspirational women in these books for you to reinforce a positive image of females.

On the one hand, I firmly believe that parents' beliefs and methods should be respected and not undermined. This is your opinion and what you think is best, and it's not for anyone else to force their own ways.

On the other hand I think you will give her more problems than you solve by making make up seem like a bad thing.

You're giving her mixed messages because you wear it. I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by not letting her play with dolls or toy make up?

To clarify - the dolls are in her toy basket - along with the 1000 other dolls that she has (and mostly ignores after about a week!).
If it was toy make up I would have no issue. This is real make up, cheap stuff, but real make up. It's in adult colours, with applicator brushes. She knows I am not against make up, but that I view it as inappropriate for a 3yo, and didn't seem to mind when I said 'this make up is for later, not for now'. She hasn't even asked about it since, and I haven't mentioned it. She played with my make up bag this morning without putting anything on herself, and then bounced off to play with something else. I am not overtly making a big deal of any of this to her.

Skin care because I do it every morning in front of the mirror, and she's with me during that time. So I answer any questions she asks, or otherwise enjoy the silence. I do however always just say 'and now for my sun cream!' so she knows it's a daily habit. She has kiddie sun cream that she wears during the summer as she's outdoors a lot, and mimics my tone when we put it on. That's all?

I also think you are taking this way too seriously. Everything is just ‘play’ to a 3 year old, there doesn’t need to be a message behind absolutely everything. My youngest ds used to have his makeup ‘done’ , nails painted etc when I was doing mine. It doesn’t appear to have caused him any issues. He’s 16 now.

Yep, and that's totally fair. I like the idea of using them as body paints, as others have suggested, if she asks for them - so far she's forgotten they exist. If she wants to experiment with putting some colours on her face in the house, as part of play, I'm more than happy for her to use good quality children's face paints. I am all for encouraging the fun parts of this, and the make believe and magic and all that stuff. I'm not as dour as my writing on here makes me out to be :)

I've got these on my list to look at for her 4th birthday! Do let me know if you like any particular ones :)

Just disappear the gifts over the next few weeks as your DD will play with other things and I'd definitely not allow any make up until teenage years (why would they need it before then?) but as you're the parent, your Mil is unlikely to know that you've disposed of the make up.

this is a 3yr old child. MIL has chosen highly inappropriate gifts for such a young child. I agree with the respondent who advised OP to open all MIL's gifts & assess them before deciding whether or not they're appropriate to pass on to DD.
As for MIL, I'd be tempted to say to her: "I'd rather you didn't buy my daughter "mini-Lolita" kit."

I would then point out to her that here are plenty of gifts that would be welcome and are appropriate for a 3yrold. Play Dough, for example. Duplo. Julia Donaldson books. How about some empowering dressing up kits: spacesuit; paramedic/doctor outfit, etc.

If MIL doesn't like it, then that's just tough.

Her current gift ideas are icky and creepy.
Sparkly make-up for a 3yr old is, frankly, ew and ick.
If I wanted to be really contentious, I could say: MIL is providing paedo-bait for her granddaughter. Is that what she wants?

I'm 100% with OP on this one.

How controlling are you! Leave the child to be a child instead of enforcing your rigid views on her.