MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

You're being way ott, and in fact by banning them you are creating more of an issue. Let her have fun with the toys that all her friends will have.

Hahahahah I just saw that!!!

Yes, sure, absolutely they can do both. I did say in other more nuanced posts on this thread, that I'm not 'against' girly stuff by any means. I'm just trying to calibrate what is reasonable in terms of boundaries. 3 is wearing a fake-pearl necklace today, filched from my best friends jewellery box (!), wearing three pony tails, and we are about to go kick a football around in the park. I totally get the overall ethos of balance in all things.

@LearningToMum That response wasn't to you sorry. It was to one talking about women's lost income due to the beauty industry and that being an adults personal choice. I spend probably what many would consider a horrific amount of money on regular theatre tickets as that's my priority and a very basic minimal 'maintenance' amount of beauty stuff.

This thread, as so many do has taken a topsy turvy but interesting journey 😊

Better still, mud on her face, and leaves in her hair, and cheeks red from running, and feeling the rush of confidence from knowing that she can jump higher today than she could yesterday.

How does playing with glittery make up at home and not wearing out of the house stop any of this also happening?

Lots of make-up fans on this thread who see this as no big deal. Fair enough.

I have a different view. Make-up is expensive and (sometimes very) time-consuming and it is mostly (not always, true) about making women look more attractive. (There are some people who are doing wild or “fun” stuff, but let’s be honest the anti-wrinkle, lip-reddening, concealer stuff isn’t really that!)

For me, it’s part of the story that women owe it to the world to try to look pretty and gradually internalise that as part of their own identity. (FWIW I hate the way this is also starting to happen to men!). I really want my girls to grow up thinking how they look just isn’t very important.

So for me, this would be a hill to die on. I will try to delay makeup for as long as is straightforwardly possible. It’s not “making a big deal about a ban”, but I would gently disappear a gift of this type.

I think you regularly wearing make up and involving her in that sets a worse example (as it's something you're bothered about). You're her main female role model and you feel the need to alter your natural appearance almost every day. That will be her biggest influence, not some play glittery lip gloss.

For what's it worth, there is no chance I leave my 3 yo DD (or 5-6-8-10...) play with make up. The stance around "they can play with all toys" is complete BS, I'm yet to see little 3 yo boys with sparkles and make-up at the playground.
Stereotyped toys and games are absolutely damaging for kids as they grow older.

And yeah, I now it's a lost cause. Hurray to girls with their dolls and boys with their football. 🙄

Buying make-up for a three year-old is grim, whichever way you look at it.

Exactly. Kids copy their parents. If you are so against her wanting to play around with makeup then what sort of example are you setting OP?

My twins - aged 6 - got make up this Christmas and have had great fun smearing it all over themselves and making themselves look quite bright and ridiculous.
It only becomes an issue if you make it one.

I'm on your side OP. First off, you as the parent should make the choices. Second, it's shaping her view from an early age of what girls and women should be. Better to give her some other view before she's exposed to social media.

Exactly my point. It should be her own choice.

You're projecting, then. Your daughter isn’t you. Hopefully she will be confident enough to go out make up free or with a full face of makeup up if she chooses to. If it helps, I was given children’s make up by my mum at a very young age but have (am still am at age 53) confident in going out make up free or with make up on.

Your child will pick up far more about makeup through watching you than through a toy then!

I also tell my children (girl and boy) that I wear makeup to look fancy, and that I do it some days because I feel like it, and some days I don’t because I don’t feel like it and I look nice without it. My DS tries on my makeup as much as my DD does because it’s fun.

My DM also bought my Dd6 a makeup palette and furry toiletry bag (bet it’s the same one! 🤣) and my DD definitely sees it as a dress up toy. Arguably it might even be better to introduce it now as a bit of fun then wait until teen years and the message become ‘now you need to wear makeup’ from their friends.

Nah! I love makeup and have fun applying it. I am also perfectly comfortable not wearing it.

I played with makeup as a child (and as an adult) and I’m really good at applying it. Also very good at having a bare face. It’s never deeply affected me one way or the other (I’d say the majority of women I happen to know are the same)

I don't wear it most days. I would say it's about 50-50 of make up vs bare face. What she does see every day is skin care, which is not elaborate, but I have no problem with her seeing that. SPF? Sure thing I will make a big deal out of me doing that so I do hope she does copy me! I also make it a point to go out / meet people with her with a bare face quite often, so neither of us thinks about make up as essential in order to be 'seen' in public.

This sounds like a confident, well-balanced sweet spot! Well done you! I am still a work in progress with confidence... Maybe I always will be. But your words give me something to aim for :)

Yes - it is quite likely that some of this is projection. I did say that all along. I had a very difficult and quite particular background with all of this. So it's become a 'thing' with me. I don't want to give her issues as a result of swinging the other way than my role models did, so I am trying to be mindful! That's partly why I opened myself up to seeing what people would think on a public forum!

Does it have gold trim, and ears? :P (The bag I mean...)

I am not banning it. I have said I'm happy to have her play with it as face or body paint (now leaning towards body only, as god knows what is in that glitter!) and I have said she sees me putting on make up some days, and we are playful about it. I just don't want it become a 'thing' with her so soon. She is 3! We can play with it. Can she wear it outside the house at her age? That would make me very uncomfortable.

I am not banning make up. She sees me wearing it some days. I do think she will ultimately wear make up herself, and that's more than fine with me. I am just trying to be mindful about what appropriate boundaries are, and I think part of what upset me about this present was the lack of thought that this could be something to be mindful about, and not have parents surprised by. It caught me on the back foot, with something I thought I was already balancing relatively reasonably.

This!!

It has been interesting hasn't it :) At various points I think I did sound more OTT than I feel/ acted. From some of the comments it may have sounded like I pulled it out of her little hands and danced around a bonfire chucking bits in while she cried. *evil cackle.

You're right - it probably doesn't. I think I'm fine with her playing with colours - preferably face paint to be honest - at home. I am probably not fine with her habitually applying make up at home yet even in play, but may be more than fine with it as the years go by. Outside the house? Probably a hard(er?) no till she's much older, and then after conversations about skin care, make up quality, cost, and also, open and honest conversations about the 'why' of it all.