MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

(I know I sound super idealistic and probably quite naive. It probably won't be something I can fully control. I get that. One day she may come home from a play date with a full face on. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but at least this thread has gotten me to think carefully about my position *now - so thank you!)

I completely agree with this approach

I’m with you OP. I’d hate those gifts too.

I’d just dump the dolls and make up without making a fuss. I wouldn’t bother making an issue of it with your MIL because it’s not like your MIL is spending a lot of time with your DD giving her toys you don’t like. You’re the one in charge so you don’t need to discuss your choices with her. Sounds like she wouldn’t get it anyway.

My mud loving daughter who is usually tearing about the place was given a princess dress, tiara and heels for Christmas. She spent the whole time she was wearing it sitting down demurely saying things like 'That's not what a princess would do'. We've not watched any Disney movies yet, or read any books with princesses in, we don't watch much TV, but yet her idea of being a princess is to sit down quietly. Not sure wearing glittery make up would have the same effect on behaviour in/outside of the house, but seeing that result here made me want to throw the dress right into the trash! She's also had nail polish, which she applied herself (extremely messily!!) and has since said things like 'i don't want to climb, I might hurt my nail polish' 🤦🏼‍♀️ she usually goes to a forest based nursery and comes home covered in mud. I can't remember the last time I wore nail polish so she's not learned that from me. The difference in her from just these two gifts genuinely surprised me!

On the topic of women and makeup, which is being discussed on here as a follow-on from the child/makeup discussion:

I think that having an opinion on women and makeup is sexist. As is having an opinion on women having boob jobs, hair extensions, and any other kind of personal decoration. Why can't we just leave women alone? And respect them enough to know that the things they do are because they want to do them, because they think they look better that way, and they like to look that way.

No woman thinks, "Oh, I don't want to wear makeup or get my boobs done but I'm going to, because society!"

Negative opinions on women who like personal decoration are part of the problem.

Let's leave women alone!

Sounds like she's just trying on a different persona, which is all part of learning.

?

We used to check presents from a certain relative and decide to bin or rewrap and keep.
A thought about makeup don't know if it's a help or hinderence...buy heads (both sexes I'm presuming are buyable now) and that way she's the artist rather than the model. 👍

I’m firmly in the camp let her play with the make up at this age it’s just a toy. My DD6 absolutely loves make up, she loves putting it on herself, me, her sister, her dad the dog basically anyone who will sit still long enough. However this is just one element of her personality and she also loves dinosaurs, dragons, horses and is 100% football mad, all her friends at school are boys, she doesn’t really like girls as they play boring games and like pink and when she grows up she wants to be a vet or a doctor. I think empowering girls is about giving them choice and not restricting them. DD13 is the same loves skin care and hair care, is football crazy but loves dance too and wants to be lawyer when she grows up. She would also call out anyone who questions her ability to do anything because she’s a girl or says anything negative about any female.

why don’t you let your daughter be a child and have fun with toys that she likes. You can bring her up to think for herself and challenge received ideas, even if she doesn’t come to conclusions you agree with, or you can make her life dreary with your imposed views, choice is yours.

Yep. Someone gave DD at 3 a glittery lipgloss and eyeshadow palette called Insta Glam. She painted her nose blue and ran around the house making alien noises.

Op, with respect we don't know what you have been through.

My DD is 5 and loves make up, she asks me to help her with it which I do, but it's always washed off before we leave the house.

Just bear in mind, the more you restrict things in younger years, the more they will rebel when older.

I’m a staunch feminist but good grief you need to lighten up.

Yep! Since that's precisely the reason why I am taking the trouble to be thoughtful about this gift... no argument from me!

ha :) fair!

As an adult that loves and wears make up everyday…I’d now be unwrapping all of granny’s presents and checking them before handover in the future. I’d then regift/donate what isn’t age appropriate. Best of luck. This won’t be an easy ride if you want the granny in your life. I was a primary teacher - still in early education.

(just want to say I salute your stance - as a lady that loves makeup. I am sitting in my group of female rugby loving successful mates, and I am the only one who styled their hair and put on the makeup before the game. We are a great gang and I hope your daughter finds one like mine ne future - where shared loved unites. Stand firm.) xx

Love it! And, I think DD would probably play with this the same way. I never said anywhere that I have actually banned her from using this if she wants to (she seems to have forgotten all about it actually!), nor did I have any overt OTT reaction, either verbal or otherwise. If DD did want to paint her face and run around like a glittery dragon/alien/dinosaur/random creature, I'd have no issue, and I'd probably join her! So yes, the issue is NOT that I am banning the use of the set. The unease is more around her using it as make up at 3 - which ample commentators have said, she is unlikely to, and even if she did, it would be playful and probably fine. And that's fair.

Yep, that's fair!

Hey I love make up too, and I used it whilst getting a karate black belt and then a biology PhD. I totally understand that we can love it, and be girly, and also serious, accomplished and fierce. I also hope that my dd finds a great gang - that's so so wonderful to have that. Thank you for your message, it gave me the warm and fuzzies :)

I don't think we need to have a conversation here about feminism per se being baloney. It's 2025, I'm a feminist, the need for feminism is self-evident and anyway, this isn't about imposing feminism on a child. It's about understanding what is age-appropriate for a young person while protecting her ability to play, explore and have fun.

Do you wear makeup? Children especially girls love copying Mum. Grandson use to wander around with mums bra. I remember staggering around in my Mum's shoes. It's part of growing up.

I absolutely agree! If she wants face paints by all means buy her those. A three year old skin is very delicate! These things can cause reactions and not necessarily straight away. As for allowing anything near her eyes!! Absolutely not.

Reframe the eyeshadow as face paint, look for cool animals or rainbows or whatever you want and add some water to crushed up eyeshadow and have some fun with it!

Well what's the difference in nail polish and make up? Also bright eye shadow and red lips are being sexualised by you, that's your own issues and projections on women who might just like the colour. A child won't think that way she will just pick lovely colours she likes and having fun. Wanting to look fancy like mummy. I honestly do get where you are coming from but projecting massively onto a toy. Also just to note, I was just as sexualised by adults as a 15 year old with no make up on and in a school uniform as I was when I wore make up and normal clothes, make up doesn't suddenly turn girls and women into sexual objects.

I take your point about us projecting meanings on to make up , and that this may have been given to be used as a toy. I also totally understanding about being sexualised either with or without make up (what a totally shitty reality... urgh..)