MIL gifts for DD are driving me bonkers

[LearningToMum]

So, I suppose everyone has a version of this difficulty at some point, but I don't know how to deal with it at all! I have a 3yo DD, with whom I am trying to communicate about gender, femininity, womanhood, etc. in a more healthy way than I ever got when I was growing up. To cut a long story short, I'm trying to raise an empowered, confident, body-positive person and because of my cultural background, I'm really sensitive about this. I come from a place that has... shall we say... deep problems with gender-based discrimination and violence. I've suffered in my own life because of this, and I am only now at my big age beginning to view myself as a woman in more healthy and empowered ways. Anyway so. I have always had a difficult relationship with my MIL, and this has taken a turn for the worse since the birth of DD, which makes open conversation about this sort of thing difficult if not impossible. She just doesn't engage, or is openly dismissive, either to me or then behind my back. It's like talking to a brick wall.

So the latest turn is that at Christmas she always sends down a large box of gifts for DD. This Christmas, this contained several packs of make up. Children's make up, to be fair - glittery tubes of lip gloss, lurid eye shadows, etc., and a furry make up bag to store it all in. The presents arrived pre-wrapped. DD was very excited to receive them, and was squealing with delight about the make up. Needless to say I was horrified. I have managed to draw a firm line with DD without crushing her enthusiasm, and said that we can be very happy that Granny sent us these gifts, but that they are not for use now.

Another set of gifts was a set of plastic dolls with very revealing outfits and bright make up on their faces. This has made it into 3's toy basket, but I'm not too fussed, as like all dolls, she will lose interest in about a week.

Left to myself, I would not have even given a 3yo child lip balm or face cream unless it was needed to prevent chapping, let alone a box of eye shadows.

I'm grateful that we didn't have a tantrum/showdown over these gifts with 3, and even if we did, I would not have budged on this.

Given how unresponsive she has been about all other such 'issues' in the past, I am not minded to pick up the phone and have a 'conversation' about this. But I don't know what to do, or where to put my very real annoyance. I want to simply throw the make up in the bin. I want to pick a fight with DH (who knew nothing of these gifts in advance, and didn't have any problem with me saying 'absolutely not', but doesn't seem to share my outrage). I don't know. Am I being unreasonable to think this is the start of a slippery slope that she is precipitating? We don't have a lot of contact with them, so she is not a huge influence in my child's life. But. I feel remarkably angry.

You'd be surprised. Gender stereotyping starts VERY early.
Yes, I am speaking from extensive & long professional knowledge & experience.
"Careful the things you say, children will listen.
Careful things you do, children will see and learn."
(lyric from "Children Will Listen" by Stephen Sondheim)

I agree with PPs who said its part of dressing up.
Make up is fun and part of growing up for some little girls isn't it?
My mum let me play with her make up when I was 4 or 5 and in I used to get my lipstick free with magazines. I remember wearing it to primary school daily aged 9 or 10!
My parent are conventional strict types and I've always been shy, school swot type and didn't have a boyfriend until late teens. I just always liked wearing a bit of make up.
I don't go agree with this sexualising stuff.
I never think of it like that.

My DD is 7.
She had toy make up from age 2, glitter eye shadows and has a couple of 'kits' from Claire's. She used to enjoy watching me put my make up on. She rarely asks to wear it unless she has a friend over or there is a party.

I can't help thinking you're making your life very difficult unnecessarily.
Yes the make up packaging doesn't sound great but take the pouting girl off or put a sticker over it. It's just a bit of make up!

Imagine being a grown adult, criticising toy makeup (which is literally just a bit of glitter) as ‘highly inappropriate’, having the audacity to call it ‘paedo bait’ (frankly quite concerned for you) and then thinking that ‘ew’ and ‘icky’ are appropriate ways to articulate yourself. MN never fails to amuse!

I support you 100%!
You are being an amazing mother. Never, ever let others, family or friends coerce you into diluting your principles.
I applaud you!

My favourite gift as a small child was a box of face paint that had all the main colours and glitter, stars etc and stick in gems. Why not suggest to your daughter she can swap her make up kit for a face paint kit she is allowed to use? Kids often like to make trades such as swapping Halloween candy for a toy etc.

for what it’s worth I think you are overthinking it. At that age she just wants to play with it and smear it on herself not tart herself up. Unless perhaps you are Romany or some other culture where girls wear very revealing clothes and make up young, I wouldn’t think the gifts were sent with deliberate attempts to sabotage your rules.

This is so extreme.

I understand and agree with your stance but your daughter is 3! The gifts will end up in the bin and she wont notice. Explain your motivations to MIL but don't expect miracles. You will be the biggest influence on your daughter.

Confused a bit here. You wear make up, put it on in front of dd tell dd that it's for when you want to be fancier but then don't want her to grow up with stereotypes and grandma is in the wrong for sending her make up?

Children copy their parents. That’s how they learn and find their way in the world.
She watches you put make up on so your DD naturally wants to do the same.
Your anger is an over-reaction.
Your strong views on trying to raise a body confident, empowered female are your prerogative of course but still, your little girl will want to copy you and stopping her doing so will confuse her instead of enlightening her in the way you want.

She’s only 3 so engage with her in her play with the pretend make up for a few days until the intense interest wanes a bit then ‘lose’ the offensive eye shadow the same as you intend to do with the dolls. Pretend play and dress up/role play has huge benefits for your DD in her development as a confident child which is exactly what you are aiming for.

Your DH has the right approach …there is no need to be so enraged with your MIL about this. It was just a frivolous gift of the sort that gets messy and doesn’t last long.
Nothing wrong with a furry bag at all. A furry bag isn’t demeaning, it’s fun for the senses at any age and won’t lead her astray from your strong views. She could keep her lip salve and a little brush and comb set in it when the pretend make up gets used and messy.

Your relationship with MIL is already strained it seems. Please don’t make things worse by making a drama out of this.

What age is she? 3? Or 13?
It was very difficult to recognise from that "I'm raising a gender-neutral feminist Amazon!" post.
Why isn't she allowed to play with that? At that age, she will move on soon and start with something else.
I don't get it. You are not raising her with any awareness, you are pushing her into what you perceive is awareness and don't give her a choice.
Let her do whatever she wants. Experiment with whatever she wants. She will go through phases. If you keep banning her from wearing and doing things you don't consider appropriately woke, you will only get a backlash from her later on, when she's in teenage years and will want to be her own person.

Sorry I was on your side til I read you put make on yourself in front of your daughter. That’s a massive no to me and I have always made a point of never doing that (or epilating) in front of my kids because I think it feels wrong (for me). But then I barely even wear make up so not really an issue. I think if you choose to wear make up then I don’t think it’s a hill you can choose to die on not letting your toddler play make up and eventually as a tween / teen she’s going to want to wear it for school.

I love the idea PP suggested of using it as face paint and I’d def be painting daddy’s face and sending MIL a pic!

other than that I think balance is key - doesn’t sound like MIL is a big influence but they’re be other things for sure. You can choose to unwrap and rewrap presents from her in the future to get around her but I’d say that’s o ly the tip of the iceberg berg of what will influence your daughter.

i once read an article of how clothing picturing ‘cute’ animals on girls clothing with closed eyes are the subconscious training for our girls to be more submissive. Once you see how prevalent closed eye animals are on girls clothing vs non existent on boys you can’t unsee it - it’s outrageous.

You sound even more O.T.T than the OP. Not allowing a television in the house? Bet your kids loved you for that...

Children learn to mask at an early age.
Not mentioning it, doesn't mean she isn't disappointed.

Not saying that's the case, but when people say this, it's a false sense of security.

I've worked with kids for many years. One of the things I hear most is not wanting to upset mummy by saying something.

That's goes across the board, including kids of parents who think they're best friends and talk about everything.

You don't have to reproach MIL for buying this. You really don't. You've recognised yourself that it's no big deal, so why are you even thinking of telling her you're not happy with it?

You're still sounding hypocritical. Every day you're demonstrating to your DD that you think that a woman's face needs creams and potions and decorating, but you want to tell your MIL that she was at fault for buying this stuff.

This really isn't worth telling your MIL off for and making her feel shit and defensive, frankly.

No matter what the reasons, you are the child's Mum and the boundaries are for you to make- your DH's lack of outrage could easily stem from not wanting a confrontation with his Mum. Put your foot down, otherwise you could regret it when this escalates.

Sure - that's totally a possibility. Except, where's the line between being permissive and allowing my child to experience totally valid disappointment about a boundary that I think is in her best interest - and maintaining that boundary. (The bag isn't hidden from sight by the way - her Dad plonked it on the top of the dresser, where it has remained, with her whizzing in and out of the room playing with various things.)

Yep, I haven't told her anything, not going to reproach her, and she would not engage in good faith in an open conversation anyway, so not even really trying.

Quite curious about this sentence: "You are not raising her with any awareness, you are pushing her into what you perceive is awareness and don't give her a choice."

That's precisely the point. To leave the child to be a child.
She can, and does, play with toy make up sets at her favourite play cafe, and she can and does use face paints. And she can and does frequently, smear mud all over her face in the park. That's all fine. What's "rigid" about trying to have a thoughtful stance over the introduction of the real stuff at age 3?

I fully agree with that sentence. Can’t stand parents who prioritise being ‘woke’ over everything else.

She’s a child. Just let her be a child. Her every movement doesn’t need to be overanalysed for fear of her becoming ‘too girly’ for your liking.

How many more times are you going to tell us that she smears mud all over her face in the park? So what? She’s 3 and they all love messy play! It doesn’t mean anything deeper than that and it’s perfectly normal behaviour, ‘woke’ parenting or not.

What’s wrong with pale pink or frayed denim? I could maybe accept that you have an issue with very small shorts being too revealing: although I personally don’t have an problem with it. But what’s the issue with the colour and fabric?

Favourites here are
Malala Yousafzai
Maya Angelou
Amelia Earhart
Georgia O’Keeffe
Dolly Parton
Harriet Tubman
Mary Anning
Anne Frank
Emmeline Pankhurst
Rosa Parks
Frida Kahlo
Jane Goodall
Marie Curie
Ada Lovelace
Vivienne Westwood

All are empowering and age appropriate, and can bring about important conversations.
Keep an eye on Amazon as sometimes individual books get heavily reduced. WHSmiths quite often has good offers on.
I think you can now buy them in sets as well, for example “Women in Science” and there’s a treasury I believe, including several of the books in one.

Can we erase the word 'woke' for goodness sake?

Kids should have access to a whole range of toys, so called 'boy toys' and 'girl toys', creative toys, imaginative toys, construction toys, and sporty toys. Kids arrive in the world with their own skills and enthusiasms and they'll self select what works for them.

I had two DDs (now adults) who had this kind of range of toys and opportunities. One ended up sporty and history nerdy, the other nurturing and musical.
You provide the opportunities and feed the natural interests that they discover in themselves.

Foisting multiple books about feminist achievements is unnecessary. It's not the 1950s. They'll come across female doctors, and other professional role models in a natural and informal way, and those are the people they'll choose to emulate.

But you've already said she wears nail polish, is that not the same thing? Not to be not picking but just genuinely wondering what the difference perceived in these products?