WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

[DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife]

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

Your MiL sounds toxic and poisonous. A PP referred to a generational difference. I don’t think that is any excuse. You don’t refer to a 13 y/o girls make up and the fact that (to paraphrase) makes her look like she’s giving it away (which is basically calling her something much worse which I can’t even bring myself to say).

You sound like a good mum. One thing I’ll say is if they keep embarrassing her and poking fun she’ll be less likely to openly talk to you about things. So keep being understanding and approachable. I’d definitely be telling MiL that if she doesn’t stop with the comments she’s not welcome at my home.

Sorry OP - I’ve just reached the post where MiL has made comments about your 10 y/o and also what she said to her own husband before he passed away.

You’re not being dramatic or unreasonable at all. Exposure to people like your MiL will, I feel, be damaging to your kids. What an awful woman she sounds, a vicious and nasty witch, no one needs to be affected by that. She’s dripping poison into your kids ears.

Your husband has had it all his life and probably doesn’t realise just how bad she really is. I bet she doesn’t have many friends?

I think this is something that really varies, even at the same time period. I grew up in the 90s as well, and not a single friend of mine had a boyfriend before 16, and very few before 17/18. This was south-east London.

Yes, you're being unreasonable.

Cut back on contact, maybe encourage the children to telephone her occasionally, and make ultra-brief visits. If she complains, politely and calmly explain why.

Also teach the children that they do NOT have to answer every single question. Funny that it doesn't bother you that your partner and his brother were "sexualizing" her. But you can teach your daughter that if your MIL starts badgering her like that, she can just giggle and move to another part of the room.

I wouldn’t be ending the relationship entirely but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that language around my children. So I would go low contact and encourage dh to see his mother and spend as little time as possible with her, whilst maintaining a civil relationship for family events. There would be no grand exit or drama. Just cut back drastically and be clear about your reasons to your spineless dh.

Yes, sex at some point might come into it, but I know from experience that children who have an appropriate moral grounding are capable of behaving sensibly. My husband and I met whet I was 14 and had a very intense relationship, we still didn't start sleeping together until I was 17 nearly 18 (in the UK, so age of consent 16) because that's when we both felt ready to take that step.

When I was 13 and at school, I don't think I know of anyone who hadn't had a boyfriend/girlfriend yet! Doesn't mean they're shagging, it's extremely normal, and you're incredibly naive if you think this is unusual.

Were you in a mixed-sex school?

My husband and I started dating when we were 16 and 17. We weren’t sexually inactive, but we didn’t have PIV sex until we were married at 26 and 27! People act like teenage sex is inevitable, but it’s not.

Now that was weird. All I did was comment and hit Post, and ‘This reply has been hidden’ immediately sprang up before anyone could even read it.

You cannot allow a 13 year old to have a boyfriend and then complain about her being sexualised!
Also 13 and 14 year olds are hormones on legs! I think you are very naiive to think they have no sex drive at that age!

Well clearly we grew up in different social environments and had different expectations of school life.

I went to a mixed school where you would never live it down if you turned up to a school disco as a couple or if word got out that you had gone to the cinema with a boy from school.

There were two or three couples in school by age 17/18, all within a certain friendship group.

How strange! I don't doubt you for a moment but that's so far removed from my school experience (90s, mixed, relatively affluent area). Couples (however brief the "relationship") were very common throughout secondary school.

Op said it was an innocent, hand holding, situation. Teenagers have always had these kind of relationships. You understand what puberty is, right? They don’t all go beyond hand holding and chaste kissing.

I’d love to know how you would effectively disallow your 13yo child having a boyfriend.

I think Mil is old school. She was taught not to wear too much makeup to not look like a prostitute etc. She's got internalised misogynism but it's not really her fault. Can you not try to educate her rather than being angry with her for being ignorant? As with "bitches" comment I would tell her that I'm not OK with anyone saying young females are bitches. What she wanted to say is probably that teenage girls can be hard work but she uses a sexist language that I would definitely call her out on.

I’m surprised at all the people defending your mil on here - I’d also be disgusted with her embarrassing your daughter like that. I’d stop telling her anything about your dd - brush off any nosy questions, answer for your dd in a way that protects her privacy if she’s feeling under pressure from mil, and don’t volunteer any information about moods, behaviour, boyfriends etc. Just give her positive stuff - dd is doing well at x subject, has x hobby, has some lovely friends etc and try to steer the conversation away from dd.

I get you completely OP

I wish I I’d had the guts to say no to my vile, rancid mum!

She even thought 16 yr olds having boyfriends was disgusting

Narrow minded and stupid !

Roughly how many 13 year olds do you know?

These threads always attract people, who struggle to see that having a boyfriend / girlfriend as a child is an innocent experience for the majority of children.

As for your mil op, is it really necessary to cut her out? Are you unable to tell her you’re not ok with what she says and if she continues, you will leave or ask her to leave? It’s much better to put up boundaries rather than going nuclear.

Really?

My goodness. The concept of having a "boyfriend" was obviously much more innocent at our school.

You do know many teens are good at letting their parents see only what they want them to see? Op might see it from the outside as all innocent handholding. Doesnt mean that's actually what's going on. No doubt some teens are very self aware at handling situations, but many arent and cave in to peer pressure or do in the moment silly things. Personally I wouldnt be comfortable with it, but we're all different with our parenting boundaries. And it all would depend on the maturity of your child. Boys especially at 13 aren't very mature at all.

The onset of periods begins during the final( 5th) stage of puberty at an average age of 12.

That doesn’t answer my question. How many actual 13 year olds do you know?