WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

[DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife]

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP you sound like a good parent and I am sorry your thread has been highjacked with absurd comments.

Your primary responsibility is to protect your DC. This behaviour from her in unacceptable, obviously, and I would prevent any further contact between her and your children. They need you to demonstrate how to enforce appropriate boundaries until they're old enough to do it for themselves so that they don't grow up thinking they should tolerate this abusive behaviour and end up in toxic relationships.

You've warned her, asked her to change her behaviour. She hasn't and won't. I would prevent her from doing any further damage. Your husband can still see her if he wishes without your children being exposed to this.

At what age is it okay for your child to have a boy,/girl friend then? I think 13 is pretty standard.
Quite a few of my friends were dating at that age, none of them were doing more than holding hands and kissing. (Obviously some 13 year olds go further but most don't IME).
Your MIL sounds nasty and I don't believe it's because she's from a different generation. My mum is from a different generation too and she's managed to not slate her 4 granddaughters.
You might not be able to go no contact but limit contact, especially with your eldest, who probably won't want to see MIL if she carries on like this anyway.

Not the primary school kids mentioned on this thread and I remember playing kiss chase at that age but absolutely possible for 13y olds to have a sexualised relationship even if it doesn’t involve sex.

I had a ‘boyfriend’ at 13 (mid 40s now). In about 10 months of “going out” we held hands a couple of times and had a peck on the lips once! And that was in a crowd of others. I’m aware that sadly some kids are sexually active at 13 but it’s equally possible to have a sweet and innocent relationship.
One of my older teen daughters’ friends has been in a relationship for almost a year and is only now contemplating sex (I know this because she’s an over sharer and so is my daughter, who tells me everything even when I don’t ask). Some kids are actually quite restrained and responsible!

I can't remember an age where children didn't have "boyfriends" or "girlfriends".
At primary age it's generally very innocent, as they get into their teens then obviously actual sexual activity will become more of a concern.

But "banning" a child from having a boyfriend is likely to be massively counterproductive - all that will do is promote secrecy and prevent your child coming to you for help or guidance.

If you think saying "no boyfriends" is protecting your kids, you're deluded.

I will repeat the definition of ‘boyfriend’.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
noun

a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

I’d suggest those who had ‘boyfriends’ aged 13, didn’t have boyfriends, which by definition, is a sexual relationship. But had friends, who were boys. And teaching our 13yr old daughters, that a friendship, with a boy, aged 13 needs to be defined as a boyfriend, is not helpful.

She’s a narcissistic twat and needs avoiding at all costs. Sadly there are too many of them and as they age they can gas light their nearest and ever so dearest to the extreme.

A thirteen year having a boyfriend is hardly uncommon?

ok but maybe you are from a different background?

You are definitely not being unreasonable, but your partner needs to be on board here too. It’s unfortunate that this is so normalized for him. How much awareness does he have of emotional abuse?

Margaret Beaufort was 13 when she married and gave birth to her son who became Henry VII. Look where that led us. It led Margaret to suffer permanent damage because of the damage wrought to her immature frame due to the birth.

She also called my 10 year old, who has a lot of autistic traits, a spz.*
That crosses a line, big time. If your spineless H can't say no to her even when she says that, he's letting his child down badly. My MIL would have got a rocket from both me and DH if she'd said that.

I can't believe people are defending this woman talking about a 13 yo looking like a prostitute and needing a pregnancy test. In front of the child and her family. This isn't a grandma expressing legitimate concerns, she's being utterly vile. This very obviously is completely the wrong way to advise a teenager about underage sex and pregnancy risk. She's just being nasty.

As for the "you don't like her" comments to OP, well she isn't very likeable and I don't blame OP at all. It's her behaviour that's caused OP to not like her, not the other way round.

Of course some of the relationships will be sexual and/or sexualised, but that doesn't mean that a "boyfriend" at that age is by definition sexual.

Your 8yr old does not have a boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re 8yr old has a friend who is the opposite sex.

It says romantic OR sexual relationship, not romantic AND sexual relationship!

I’m part of the leadership team of a large school.

Those early relationships are very important for young people - it’s how they learn about respect and friendship, how to cope with rejection, how to communicate. For many, it’s when they begin to think about sexuality and attraction - in a very safe (in the vast majority of cases) and innocent way. It’s normal.

The children who are over sexualised and having problematic relationships at that age are not generally holding hands with similar aged children.

OP - your MIL, and to an extent your husband , are damaging you girl. You’re her protection.

@edwinbear do you not understand the definition of the word "or"?

Romantic or sexual^.
^
FYI here is the dictionary definition of "romantic":

romantic
^
adjective^

conducivee_ to or characterized by the expression of love.

of, characterized by, or suggestivee_ of an idealized view of reality.

Planet Earth.

OP, your MIL is vile and loves winding you up because she knows her son is under her thumb. Set your boundaries and make your DH aware. Talk to your DD about the comments and how they made her feel. Think about whether you want to say anything directly to the MIL following that. I think it's important to show your child you should stand up to bullies, but this woman is never going to change and must important is that DD understands that you didn't think the comments were okay. I'd reduce contact and explain very clearly to your husband why her comments made you and DD feel uncomfortable. I'd encourage your DH to seek help if he is so under her thrall that he can't see when a comment is hurtful to his own child.

As for people who don't think 13yos have boyfriends... Wut? Holding hands, awkward 'dates', nothing to worry about if the children in question have been raised right, and tbh I wasn't raised right and was still too scared to try kissing my bfs from 12. My 4yo has a very special bond with another 4yo who has already planned out their married lives. She will have 26 babies and be a pilot while he stays home to care for their children... I have no concerns.

How dreadful for children to be allowed to feel or express love or an idealised view of reality.

Society is falling apart! Scandalous.

We must do something about this immediately!! Let the pearl clutching commence.

I'm not sure why you keep quoting this, as if a dictionary definition is the full extent of how a word or concept works in real life.

And at any rate, you're ignoring half of the definition you've posted anyway. It says romantic or sexual.

Really??? Were you not 13 once? When I was that age, people “asked each other out” and then were considered BF / GF. A date consisted of going to the cinema and maybe maybe a peck on the way home. Nothing more inappropriate than that!!

If you “ban” your 13 year old from having a BF or GF do you not think they would just want to do it even more?

But even if we take that as a one-size-fits-all definition, you are apparently misreading it.

"a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship"

Emphasis on the "or".

E.g., when you say that having a boyfriend by definition means a sexual relationship, that is not even true on the basis of the definition you are citing.

I wonder if your hatred of your MIL is colouring your thoughts here- if you are so keen on your daughter not being sexualised why has she got a boyfriend and is wearing make up at 13 ?
It's not really solved by her not having her phone upstairs (she will be able to get around that one, for sure) and only seeing him in school.
The fact some other children have boy/girlfriends at 13 doesn't mean your daughter should, necessarily.
Your MIL may have a point about the make up- at 13 being heavy handed is inevitable, and just because she is 13 doesn't mean she won't have sexual thoughts, in many cultures and historical periods your daughter is of marriageable age- if sexual activity at this age was unlikely, that would not be true.
Arguably the greatest love story of all time is Romeo and Juliet.
In the play Juliet has recently celebrated her 13th birthday. I think you are being a little naive if you think it's impossible that this could go anywhere, it probably won't, but it could.
I think you are happy for your daughter to be a little sexualised, but not if it your MIL is doing it.

Saying a 13 yr old looks like a prostitute is an outrageous comment.
Mil is clearly stupid.