WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

[DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife]

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

It's only innocent right up to the point it isn't. I trust you've done the consent talk, and the contraception talk?

I don't think it's a no contact situation. You don't agree with mil so you just tell her when she makes the comments.

A sensible comment.

I had a boyfriend at age 11. We bought valentine's cards and went to each others for tea and played out.

Somehow though I managed to get myself an education somehow, funny that.

With respect, I was born in 1960. My friends and girls in my class did not have boyfriends at 13. My mother and her friends didn't either.

My DC are now 30 and 26 and this wasn't a thing for them either.

We were all too busy with school work, sports practice, dance class, drama, choir, tennis, etc. DS had a GF at 17. DD had a kiss at 17, had a tame, covid hampered uni experience and her first bf at 22.

Not normal at all in my world. However, my grandmother did proclaim when I was about 23 "red shoes, you aren't going out in red shoes surely, people will think you are a prostitute."

I’m 68 I had a boyfriend when I was 13, as did most of my friends. He was a skinhead that I met at a young conservatives disco! It has always been a pretty normal thing.

Someone usually pipes up on these threads to say that disinhibition and inappropriate sexual comments/behaviour can be an early sign of dementia. Could that be a factor?

Really? I was born in 64, was a very conventional girl who didn’t break rules and who studied hard. I had a boyfriend at 11. It’s not necessarily a sexual relationship. Incidentally I was a virgin until my 20s and have one DD now. All my friends also had boyfriends.

What you are describing is a date though. You are ascribing sexual motives to it.

This

I can see why you originally wanted to share personal information, because you feel like that would help her recognise what your DD is going through and make her more understanding. That's more because you'd react that way though.

Unfortunately people like that greedily grab any personal information as something to be weaponised and used against them later. You can't let yourself be vulnerable and you can't risk your children either. You have to treat people who behave that way completely differently.

The fact your husband is too scared to call things out and prefers to pretend everything is normal to keep the peace so she can get her way is a whole other backstory that will probably take him a while to recognise, accept and address (and become really angry about). Some space from her will really help that process though.

You are definitely within your rights to keep her away from your kids, it's the easiest safest way forward really, but if it's too hard in the beginning try practicing grey rocking; be polite but formal, like you're talking to a stranger, zero personal information about you and the kids (make sure your husband knows that's not negotiable). Don't invite her to everything your family does and don't feel guilty or obligated. Remember just because she wants something doesn't mean it has to happen.

Let your husband know these are the new ground rules for having her in your lives. Let the kids know if she makes them feel uncomfortable they don't need to see her at all. If she says something intimidating or offensive tell her it's unacceptable to speak that way to the kids and she'll need to leave. Tell your husband that's what you're going to do so he's not blindsided.

The other advantage to handling it this way is your kids will always know they can trust you and you've got their backs. It helps them recognise abusive behaviour and that it's not acceptable, feel more confident they can call it out. They don't need to put up with any abusive behaviour from anyone, doesn't matter who they are. No one is automatically entitled to a relationship with them.

The talk of having a boyfriend/girlfriend at 13 damaging their education is completely over dramatic.

And the posters saying that if you came from a well educated background you didn’t have boyfriends at that age are shockingly classist.

If people think their children don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends at that age they’re wrong. That doesn’t mean they’re having sex at that age, but that is an age where children are entering puberty, and being attracted to others is a perfectly natural instinct. It’s not something they choose to be, they just are.

I still think the OP is being unreasonable, and I do think that at 13 the OP should be talking to her DD about contraception but also about the age of consent, and why waiting is important if she’s ever thought about heading down that route.

My parents have been together since they were 13 and they’ve been happily married now for 54 years. That doesn’t mean that all relationships start that young, but do bear in mind that back in the 50’s/60’s/70’s it was actually quite common for people to be married with kids by the time they were in their early 20’s. So it stands to reason that they will have had relationships, even innocent ones, wel before that age.

Another poster who can't follow basic English. Or won't.

Fuck sake.

Of course boyfriends or girlfriends can be innocent. In my circles it was normal enough to have a boyfriend or girlfriend from 13 or 14. Some couples just passed messages, some held hands and went for walks and some kissed. I know life has changed in many ways but kids are still kids. While i think its disgusting to sexualise it and take away that innocence, I suspect this comes entirely from the fact your sister got pregnant as an underage teen. Whether she admits it or not I think your MIL has a prejudice against your family and thinks either there is a tolerance of being promiscuous or a genetic link to being sexually advanced. It's nonsense of course but I have heard of people of that generation believing that if a woman is 'loose' then her children or relations are also more likely to be too. She is terrified your DDs life go the same way as your Dsis.

As if people are genuinely outraged that a 13yo has a boyfriend, come on now. I had a few boyfriends at 13/14,never went further than a quick snog.

Your MILs comments are absolutely vile towards a teenager and I'd be furious.

Who mentioned a sexual relationship?

Do you only ever use and acknowledge the dictionary definition of words? 😂

How does having a boyfriend at 13 stop you from doing school work, hobbies etc?

I’m from a different generation but wouldn’t speak about any of my grandchildren or step-grandchildren like that ( have a mixture of both)
Even if she thinks these things there are things you don’t need to say out loud.
OP, Your partner needs to stand up to her. Tell her to stop now with the nasty comments or shes out of your lives. That would be her last chance.

My 8 year old has one 😂

Even using it what’s t(e issue? A male companion for whom you have romantic feelings. Seems pretty normal for a teenager to me.

Yeah, I’m with you. I didn’t have a boyfriend when I was thirteen, but knew a few girls who did. All they did was sit next to each other when their group of friends went to the movies, have awkward conversations on the phone, and go to school dances together and do the slow dances while barely touching.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. He was 16; we were a year apart in school and he had a winter birthday while I had a summer birthday. All we did was hug and kiss, go to movies and dances, and hang out at each other’s living rooms while our parents were home. Eventually I broke up with him because he was too immature.

Agree with this.
MIL sounds vile and massively overstepped by sexualising your daughter and using misogynistic terms toward her/about her.
However, I would definitely speak with your daughter about consent, pressure, coercion, pregnancy and STIs.
When my DD was 13 she was not remotely interested in having a boyfriend or girlfriend - it just wasn’t on her radar as she was busy with school & extracurricular activities.

WTAF😂. She’s what - 60? It’s okay to tell children they look like prostitutes and ask them if they want a pregnancy test if you were born before 1970?

I know someone who cut her parents out of her life.
And then both her children cut her out of their lives.
Be careful what you wish for.