WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

[DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife]

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

Why are people being weird about this 13 yo having a “boyfriend”? It’s generally just claiming someone as a “bf”, hanging out and potentially even some hand holding.

Chances are the parents of teens who are having sex right now don’t even know of any official boyfriends.

I'm from a different generation and I would never dream of speaking to any child in that manner.

You see "boyfriend" mentioned and you immediately assume that it's going to lead to sex? That's not normally what happens with kids that young - as the OP says, it's all quite innocent.

Look of course 13yr old DD has friends who are boys, she spent a Saturday afternoon shopping at Westfield with a boy and dragged him round Sephora. Then spent a second Saturday afternoon with him at a trampoline park at the O2. He’s a friend, who she quite liked, and is a boy. She doesn’t refer to him as a boyfriend, and it’s not language I’d condone because of the adult connotations. She says herself she’s not old enough for a boyfriend.

Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.

There you go. You have a dp problem. You know where his priorities are. And it's not your children. Poor kids. Another woman with a man who doesn't see her children as important.

Earth

I was a teen in the '70s. In those days, "having a boyfriend" meant that you went to the pictures together and danced with one another at the school Christmas dance.

Your experience is your experience.

I’ve known thousands of 13 year olds. Lots have boyfriends. Lots have girlfriends. Lots don’t.

The overwhelming majority are nowhere near having sex.

You are simply incorrect in your assumptions.

She is their mum.

It's not them being blind to the fact that she is vile.
It is them loving their mum as she is, and putting up with/getting around the behaviour that is incendiary/boundary-crossing. Because she is their mum and I very much doubt she is all bad. She just sounds super bossy and opinionated.

Like quite a lot of older matriarchs.

I think you would be very wrong to cut her out of your life. Because it's not just your life, it's also your DH's, and the children's. I guess your answer would be well she's awful and you hate her. But my view is that she is your DH's mother and it would be wrong to come between the two of them.

So you just have to try to tone her down and maybe even have a talk with her about not saying stuff in front of your daughter as it embarrasses her.

Don't expect MIL to be reasonable or see your point of view. But she is an older generation, she is your DH's mother, and for that alone there should be some attempt at coping with her, imo.

With respect, I was also born in 1960. Some girls did have boyfriends at 13. It usually meant an exchange of Valentine cards, visits to the local picture house and having a partner to the school disco or Christmas dance. Those girls weren't promiscuous.

It was the same when I began teaching in the mid 80s - you'd see S2/Y9 kids dancing together at the school Christmas dance with the girls normally towering over their "boyfriends". It was innocent.

The conclusion that I come to - based on this and your other posts - is that pupils in state secondary schools seem to be much more innocent than those in private schools.

So far as semantics are concerned, in your previous posts you seem to assume that sex inevitably follows on from the romantic feelings suggested by the word "boyfriend". That is simply not the case.

Your MIL's comments are horrifying, but you all sound dysfunctional and ate all guilty of sexualising the child.
13 year olds don't need boyfriends.

The definition that you've quoted says "romantic or sexual".

But really, you have zero idea. They could consider themselves boyfriend and girlfriend for all you know, but you've made clear to your daughter that it's not an area where she should be open and honest with you.

@WearyAuldWumman when I was at school, that started happening in the LV to a tiny extent and a bit more in the UV. There were no school dances before VI form. Only then was there a dance for the boys' school.and the girls' school.

It didn't happen at my DC's school, despite some dances lower down the schools, until 16/17. I honestly can't remember any of the DC's friends having boyfriends/girlfriends younger than that.

Perhaps because we went to single sex schools across the generations.

DD had some friends who were boys before she was about 12 In fact at 7/8 she had playdates with a boy she met up with again aged 22 - our future son in law as it happens.

I would say that attending a single sex school would certainly have an impact.

exactky! Also in some instances at that age you could have a boyfriend that you literally never spoke to. I once found out through the grapevine that “my boyfriend” had broken up with me a few days before, I hadn’t even noticed 🤣

You would harshly judge a parent that ‘allows’ their child to have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

don’t actually remember asking my
permission to see boys when I was 12/13. And if they had forbidden it, I would have ignored them. luckily, they didn’t so
i felt very comfortable talking to them about what was going on in relationships at that time including when I started having sex at 16. If they’d been judgemental, I would have done it all anyway, but hidden it from them.

Bloody hell, I don't know what's changed in the last decade or so but I had plenty of 'boyfriends/ girlfriends' throughout my highschool years and didn't get past bloody kissing. One of these teenage 'exes' is still a virgin and we're all in our mid twenties now. So no, 13 year olds dating does mean that they will inevitably end up having sex. I'm not saying it never happens but as someone who has worked in high schools as was privvy to a lot of information re safeguarding this is most certainly not as commonplace as you seemingly think

They are probably holding hands, hugging (maybe even starting to kiss!) so not like a friend that is also a boy, no. Most relationships at that age aren’t sexual (though yes some are, and I don’t think that is good).

This one

It doesn't equal sex you know

There really are some fruitcakes on here. I suggest people ignore their deliberate pretences of moral horror and incomprehension of dictionary definitions which have been debunked already and focus on the OP's actual question instead.

OP, posters are wrong to suggest you should tolerate your children being insulted with ableist and misogynistic slurs because this woman happens to be 60. That is clearly ridiculous.

Her behaviour is inappropriate and toxic and if she refuses to change it then you cannot allow her around your children. What she said to your autistic child is even worse than what she's said to your 13 year old. It's completely unacceptable and clearly deliberate since it has been an ongoing issue and despite you asking her not to do this (which no decent human would even need to be asked not to do) she has continued regardless. I don't see you have any option now but to protect your children because clearly she refuses to observe even the minimum level of decency and respectful behaviour so she'll have to deal with the inevitable consequence of that which is no more contact with your children.

Your job is to protect them from harm and she is causing harm with this behaviour. These comments may stick with them and affect them for decades. It's not something you should tolerate or teach them to tolerate by modelling acceptance of this or you'll be setting them up to accept abusive behaviour as adults.

A boy once asked me out just before school broke up for summer. I think I was about 14. Didn’t see him for six weeks and then we “broke up” by phone before school started. He still referred to himself as my ex-boyfriend til our twenties, LOL!!

I would say only on MN do so many people have an issue with a 13 year old having an innocent boyfriend. Letting them stay over is a step too far I agree, but I don’t think that is common at all. Most 13 year olds aren’t having sex, they most it involves is hanging out together and holding hands, and maybe sometimes progressing to kissing.