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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

232 replies

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:18

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 27/12/2024 21:44

This reply has been deleted

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Fucking wow. You’re a nasty piece of work aren’t you?

BilboBlaggin · 27/12/2024 21:46

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

You can harshly judge me then, not that I give a toss what you think.

My DD started seeing someone from her school when she was 13. They called themselves bf and gf but at that age it was generally innocent hand holding, and they were closely supervised. They were together 8 years before it ended.

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:46

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:42

Surely you dont really think two thirteen year olds of the opposite sex can have a totally innocent long-term bf/gf relationship? It's not going to happen. Sex at some point will come into it.

Two normal 13 yr olds are not interested in having a sexual, bf/gf relationship. It’s fucking grim if you think that’s normal?? The age of consent is 16. Obviously kids do have under age sex (I was one at 15), but your standards are low if you think most 13yr olds are shagging each other and that’s acceptable.

latetothefisting · 27/12/2024 21:46

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

this one!
where are you posting from, 1837?

It was completely normal for 13 year olds (and younger) to have boyfriends when I was 13, 20odd years ago. According to my mother and the YA lit I've read from the 1970s it was equally normal 30 years before that. So hasn't been unusual for at least half a century. Obviously usually not exactly the same as an adult relationship, but boyfriend/girlfriend (or, indeed, boyfriend/boyfriend, or girlfriend/girlfriend nonetheless!

JLou08 · 27/12/2024 21:47

Lots of 13 year olds have relationships. Those of you so shocked at it will probably have had/will have teens up to all sorts behind your back. Better that they have a parent they can open up to if things go wrong rather than be scared to tell their parents because their parents forbid them having a normal teen life.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 21:48

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here.

Most of us have had a grandparent who has been somewhat off the mark in terms of their criticism. It often is a generational thing where in their day people were expected to behave in certain ways.

Back when I was a teenager a young girl dressed up was known as “jail bate” and while I don’t necessarily agree with the term I do think we’ve got to a point now where young girls are so body conscious that they make themselves up and go all out when actually at 13 they should still just be entering teenage hood. But instead they’re on TikTok and instagram and wanting to look like the latest influencer.

In terms of having a boyfriend, I think that most of us had what we might term as a “boyfriend” at that age even growing up. But while back when I was younger having a boyfriend did generally mean holding hands, I had my first kiss at 13 but didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. But these days relationships are far more sexualised, and it is sadly not uncommon for 13 year olds to be having sex or at the very least to have started experimenting.

So while you might think it’s all just holding hands and innocent, I do hope you’ve spoken to her about safe sex and contraception. My mum outright asked me if I should be on the pill when I had a bf at 14. She didn’t think I was a prostitute or acting like one, but teenagers are teenagers, and it’s naive to think that they don’t end up going down that route and finding out the hard way that they should have been careful.

If you had a sister who fell pregnant at 15 then I would hope you have learned from your parents’ mistakes.

People are quick to jump to wanting to cut people out of their lives because of what they say or how they say it.

This is how we have a generation who are growing up without the ability to manage conflict, without the ability to judge people on their own merits, because they’re never exposed to people who aren’t just like them. My grandparents had some odd views, I didn’t grow up scarred by them, I grew up realising that everyone is different, and that the ability to roll your eyes is priceless.

And most teenage girls do go through a stage of being little bitches. And most teenage boys go through a stage of being moody twats. They grow out of it, but that doesn’t make it not real at the time.

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2024 21:48

Looks like your partner and his brother started it (ok in your books), and she built on there comments (not ok in your book)

Maybe you need to start with teaching your partner how to talk to your daugher.. all this “scaring him off” bullshit, likes she’s his property to defend.

13 year olds do have sex, and the earlier they know about consent, and contraception the better.

…and yea, a lot of teenage girls are awful.

At the end of the day you don’t like her, never have, and you want a “me or her” moment with your partner .. which you know you won’t win.

If you share children with your partner, you can’t make arbitrary decisions about who they spend time with. You don’t have to have a relationship with anyone, but it’s up your partner, what he does.

Newstart2024 · 27/12/2024 21:49

Roll your eyes and move on. My MiL the same, likes to rip it out of Northerners when I’m from the North West… on a visit up with them I commented how there might be traffic on the M6 in rush hour and she said “people have jobs up north?” Sigh.
But I don’t care. It’s water off a ducks back. I know she’s daft and can be rude. It’s my husbands fight or… after years of her not listening to him either really he knows better than to waste his time.

She’s saying a few ignorant judgey things, teach your daughter to smile and nod too and ignore her.

And btw so what if a 13 year old has a boyfriend? Your relationship with a significant other is likely the most important you’ll have. The earlier you learn how to navigate a “romantic” relationship the better. And I’m speaking as someone who went to an all girls school and subsequently appreciated any attention I got… and there were some painful lessons in that!

Tophelleborine · 27/12/2024 21:49

People are being really fucking weird on this thread! Of course 13 year olds have relationships, they always have done. They can have a relationship that involves hand-holding, maybe a bit of snogging, without it being full-on sexual. But also, there are kids having sex or at least doing sexy stuff under 16, whether it's desirable or not that's always been the case. You must live under a rock not to be aware of that.

VegTrug · 27/12/2024 21:50

I'm with you OP, she sounds perverted and if she was your FIL you'd be getting some very different answers.
Keep your DC well away from her. If nothing else she's a vile, unhealthy influence on them. You don't need the majority of MN to agree with you

Suzuki76 · 27/12/2024 21:50

TakeMeDancing · 27/12/2024 21:35

Perhaps she’s being extra vile to DD because she’s not your partner’s bio child?

Well, yes. This is likely to be a large percentage of the reason she's hoiking her judge pants.

Flustration · 27/12/2024 21:50

OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 21:40

And I am equally puzzled when I see this attitude on here.
When I was at school in the 90s there were plenty of 13 year old couples, it was very normal and usually unproblematic, and usually pretty chaste (with the odd exception). I didn't have a boyfriend until I was about 15 and I felt it was quite late in the day! But I can't imagine growing up and thinking 13 year olds don't have boyfriends? They do and it's nothing new?

I was going to post almost exactly the same thing. I am a similar age and it was very much the norm.

I think this might just be different interpretations of the term 'boyfriend'.

At 13 a 'boyfriend' was someone you giggled about with your friends and maybe went on group 'dates' with. Something like bowling or cinema. All very innocent. There might be the odd kiss, but nothing particularly racy! The average length of these relationships was probably under 2 weeks!!

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2024 21:50

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

It’s called Earth. Welcome aboard.

TheOriginalCrazyLady · 27/12/2024 21:51

I remember being 13 & having a boyfriend. It was mainly handholding & the odd peck on the cheek 🤭 I'm certain I'm not alone in that respect, it was certainly quite "normal" at the secondary school I went to around 20 years ago.

Renamed · 27/12/2024 21:52

This reply has been deleted

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Complete bullshit. Anyone claiming they were only interested in Lego or sindy at 13 is not genuine here

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2024 21:52

I’m a Governor at a high school, some of the things we deal with would make hair curl …

FreeRider · 27/12/2024 21:52

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd It's 'Jail Bait' not bate

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:53

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
noun

a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

This is the definition of a boyfriend. If all your 13yr olds are doing that, then yes, I absolutely judge you.

Oxford Languages and Google - English | Oxford Languages

Google’s English dictionary is provided by Oxford Languages. Oxford Languages is the world’s leading dictionary publisher, with over 150 years of experience creating and delivering authoritative dictionaries globally in more than 50 languages.

https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en

WinterCrow · 27/12/2024 21:53

wellington77 · 27/12/2024 21:35

She’s from a different generation, I think you need to take that into account. I also don’t think this warrants ending contact over. This is your husband’s mum, you only get one, I wouldn’t chucked it over this.

Oh give over. I'm in my 60s now, and I wouldn't talk in such a vulgar and coarse way about a 13 year old girl.

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:54

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:46

Two normal 13 yr olds are not interested in having a sexual, bf/gf relationship. It’s fucking grim if you think that’s normal?? The age of consent is 16. Obviously kids do have under age sex (I was one at 15), but your standards are low if you think most 13yr olds are shagging each other and that’s acceptable.

had It been two primary school kids, then I agree - innocent and cute, although I’d reference it as just a friendship rather than bf and gf. But imo, 13 year olds are very capable of taking things further. They’re at secondary school, and grow up pretty quickly once outside primary. It’s not unusual for young teens to become pregnant. Even a recent poster who condones innocent 13 yr old bf/gf relationships says they should be closely supervised. If innocent, then why supervised?

Pippinsdiary · 27/12/2024 21:54

mumofboys8787 · 27/12/2024 21:25

You are being really fucking dramatic tbh

How is she being dramatic?? either you are the MIL or you act like this too

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 21:54

I think you're really over reacting. I'm also shocked by the people questioning why your daughter has a boyfriend at 13 - I think the vast majority of girls have their first boyfriends at 13 or 14. They did when I was a teen and certainly do now.

KnoblesseOblige · 27/12/2024 21:55

She's shit, obviously, I'd never see her again, or at least not until her son told her firmly what never to say and do, and she sticks to it.

....But why were you telling her anything about your daughter's moods and general struggles? It's none of your MIL's business surely, your daughter's private life? Especially if you dislike MIL and know she will say shit. Why give her the ammunition?! Why breach your Dad's trust for this horrible woman to gain personal info about her? Don't share details about your kids with people you don't 100% trust to have their best interests at heart.

Gogogo12345 · 27/12/2024 21:56

Flustration · 27/12/2024 21:50

I was going to post almost exactly the same thing. I am a similar age and it was very much the norm.

I think this might just be different interpretations of the term 'boyfriend'.

At 13 a 'boyfriend' was someone you giggled about with your friends and maybe went on group 'dates' with. Something like bowling or cinema. All very innocent. There might be the odd kiss, but nothing particularly racy! The average length of these relationships was probably under 2 weeks!!

Yeah my DD1 had a " boyfriend" at 13.. majority of their dates were watching him play football over the green. They went to the funfair as well once and he won her a teddy bear. Didn't stop her dumping him a week later for his twin brother lol

LeavesTrees · 27/12/2024 21:58

To be honest the whole thing sounds toxic for your poor daughter - a step-Gran who speaks to her in a vulgar way, and a mother who lists her faults (shows her temper when tired, fallouts with friends, falling behind with homework). It’s no wonder she’s dating so young.