WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

[DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife]

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

I'm 47 and had a bf at 13. It was mostly looking at each other, a bit of snogging and holding hands. Nothing potentially earth-shattering.

My dc and their friends have all had boy/girlfriends from about Y4. Eldest is nearly 13. Having a boyfriend literally means someone asks ‘will you be my boyfriend?’ and someone says yes, and then they say they are boyfriend/girlfriend for like 2 weeks before they decide they are just friends or they like someone else. It’s truly as nothing as that. They don’t even see each other outside of school unless they’re in an activity or in an existing friendship group.

I realise that it was a bit stupid of me to share that with MIL but I was trying to get her to show a bit of empathy. She claims to have mental health problems so I thought that telling her that my eldest is struggling then she'd understand and back off some.

Well, that's all escalated quickly, as they say ...

So not a boyfriend then, a friend who happens to be a boy.

Can't believe we only got to the second post before this was mentioned 🤣

This.
She's far too young to have a boyfriend, no wonder the MIL is a bit horrified over it.
Many mothers would be, too.

13 is still a child, and most boys most definitely WILL try it on.

His inability to say no to her will continue to cause problems. He really should work on that. A man should be able to defend his family against this kind of horrible behaviour from his mother.

Nothing your mil says would bother me too much , I’d roll my eyes and correct her and back my daughter
you hate her so you should have v little to do with her

My Nan used to say stupid things like that to us. We would just roll our eyes and say oh don't be silly Nan.

The problem here is you hate the woman and since this is Mumsnet then yeah go NC.

If your sister got pregnant aged 15, then your MiL is obviously in a very cack-handed way trying to embarrass your daughter into not making the same mistake.

My experience of having a boyfriend at 13 wasn't that innocent, and it wasn't for my friends either 😆. I think it's very easy to be a bit too naive about what teenagers get up to at a young age.

The only reason its impossible for two thirteen year olds to have a long term relationship is that they soon become two fourteen year olds, then two fifteen year olds etc.

If they didn't, it wouldn't be a long term relationship.

Agree.

I don’t think that’s something to brag about.

Having been on MN a long time, I was surprised it wasn’t the first comment 😂

See I genuinely think this is a semantic issue.

In the 90s 'boyfriend' literally just meant 'a boy you were dating' (or 'going out with' in true 90s parlance!) Often the 'dating' was no more than meeting up on the playground or between lessons.

It was pretend dating really I suppose. Play acting at relationships in preparation for the real thing later.

There was one girl in the year above who did get pregnant at 13 and caused quite a scandal. However it turned out she was raped by an adult family member (it went to court some years later and she posted the article on Facebook).

It really doesn't matter what their relationship is or even if she was 16 not 13, it's still a disgusting way to talk to a grandchild, assuming she might be pregnant and saying she looks like a prostitute, all to her face, is just horrible whatever her age. If she took the mum aside and said she was worried about the way the 13 year old looked (too much makeup, etc) and about the relationship with the bf that would be bad, but may be understandable as genuine concern this was just nasty.

And 13 year olds had bfs and gfs in my school days 50 years ago! Mainly pretty innocent.

I don’t know why OP is getting a hard time about her DD having a boyfriend aged 13. It’s not an adult relationship! My DD tried dating aged 13 too and literally was asked out via the boys friend, spend a few days ignoring each other, then split up.

At primary school some of the year 6’s claimed to have boyfriends or girlfriends but it was just child like role play.

My point being that I have a 14 yo DD (who has never dated, btw) and it seems not much has changed since the 90s!

Plenty of children have bf/gf at that age. Romance of the century was 2 of my form going out with each other, starting in Year 7! The girl was beyond devastated when the bf dumped her in Year 9. The rest of the form were very invested.

In year 7, students wanted to tell me who was going out with whom. Obviously, I shut down any conversations because while useful to know, it's not appropriate as a discussion with students, other than as a pastoral issue which added background.

She didn't.

The MIL said "be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away"

If you were told to be careful driving on black ice would you think you'd already had a car crash?

Your partner and his brother discussing "scaring the boyfriend off"? Yuk!
I don't think your MIL's comments were any worse than this.

I think you don't like her and looking for a reason to cut her out.
So long as you don't insist on your partner joining in, it's up to you what you do.

Your 13 yo has new makeup and a boyfriend and is falling behind with homework and experiencing issues with friends. She's stressed about various aspects of school and had an argument with her brother.

I'd address the climate in school where the girls are falling out with each other and ask if there's some status associated with having a boyfriend. That would be my primary worry in all of this.

I'm prepared to take on a good deal of flak over this, but I wouldn't have got her makeup for Christmas. That just feeds the toxicity that seems to be developing in the school. Would you say having and keeping a boyfriend confers status in the school, and what are the falling outs with her friends all about?

Life for 13 year olds is complicated enough without throwing boyfriends into the mix. You need to help and encourage her to tune out the distractions and knuckle down to her late homework, and focus on her GCSE cycle for the years ahead.

It's far too easy for girls to be caught up in dynamics that are not healthy during the early teen years, resulting in getting sidetracked and prioritising the wrong things.

She will regret her focus on boys and makeup for the rest of her life if you don't steer her into valuing her academic progress and putting in maximum effort.

The MIL definitely spoke out of turn, and your H is a useless lump. He needs to step up and parent his daughter. I'd go very low contact with her. Your daughter must have been very hurt by her words.