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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

232 replies

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:18

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP posts:
leia24 · 27/12/2024 22:13

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2024 22:11

She didn't.

The MIL said "be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away"

If you were told to be careful driving on black ice would you think you'd already had a car crash?

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Black ice definitely links to car crashes. Makeup on a 13 year old does not link to prostitution or 'giving it away'.

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:15

@edwinbear I'm not bragging. I'm being realistic.

Tel12 · 27/12/2024 22:16

Your mil sounds awful. But if your dd has a bf it's quite possible that it's not as innocent as you think.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2024 22:17

latetothefisting · 27/12/2024 21:46

this one!
where are you posting from, 1837?

It was completely normal for 13 year olds (and younger) to have boyfriends when I was 13, 20odd years ago. According to my mother and the YA lit I've read from the 1970s it was equally normal 30 years before that. So hasn't been unusual for at least half a century. Obviously usually not exactly the same as an adult relationship, but boyfriend/girlfriend (or, indeed, boyfriend/boyfriend, or girlfriend/girlfriend nonetheless!

Edited
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It wasn't normal in circles where education was valued, and it still isn't today.

I was born in the 60s and a teen in the 70s and 80s. Only a small minority of the kids I grew up with took that step, and that was at age 17-18.

BefuddledCrumble · 27/12/2024 22:17

13 year olds should be concentrating on their education, having fun and spending time on hobbies and with their friends.

'Relationships' at that age are at best distracting and pointless and at worst damaging.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:19

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:15

@edwinbear I'm not bragging. I'm being realistic.

That's what I took from your post. I'm pretty appalled by so many posters trying to normalise having a boyfriend and thinking it's all so innocent.

SanctusInDistress · 27/12/2024 22:20

The comment is tbe last thing you should be worried about. Worry more about a 13 year old who wears make up and has a boyfriend. She’s just a child. Get rid of the make up and stop referring to the boyfriend and talk to her about waiting until she is older to be a ‘woman’.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:20

mathanxiety · 27/12/2024 22:17

It wasn't normal in circles where education was valued, and it still isn't today.

I was born in the 60s and a teen in the 70s and 80s. Only a small minority of the kids I grew up with took that step, and that was at age 17-18.

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Same here agewise. My son's first girlfriend was the same age as him at 17.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:22

mathanxiety · 27/12/2024 22:12

Your 13 yo has new makeup and a boyfriend and is falling behind with homework and experiencing issues with friends. She's stressed about various aspects of school and had an argument with her brother.

I'd address the climate in school where the girls are falling out with each other and ask if there's some status associated with having a boyfriend. That would be my primary worry in all of this.

I'm prepared to take on a good deal of flak over this, but I wouldn't have got her makeup for Christmas. That just feeds the toxicity that seems to be developing in the school. Would you say having and keeping a boyfriend confers status in the school, and what are the falling outs with her friends all about?

Life for 13 year olds is complicated enough without throwing boyfriends into the mix. You need to help and encourage her to tune out the distractions and knuckle down to her late homework, and focus on her GCSE cycle for the years ahead.

It's far too easy for girls to be caught up in dynamics that are not healthy during the early teen years, resulting in getting sidetracked and prioritising the wrong things.

She will regret her focus on boys and makeup for the rest of her life if you don't steer her into valuing her academic progress and putting in maximum effort.

The MIL definitely spoke out of turn, and your H is a useless lump. He needs to step up and parent his daughter. I'd go very low contact with her. Your daughter must have been very hurt by her words.

Spot on. The Mil isn't really the problem here.

Berlinlover · 27/12/2024 22:22

If your sister was pregnant at 15 your MIL isn’t being unreasonable.

owlpineapple · 27/12/2024 22:24

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 21:48

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here.

Most of us have had a grandparent who has been somewhat off the mark in terms of their criticism. It often is a generational thing where in their day people were expected to behave in certain ways.

Back when I was a teenager a young girl dressed up was known as “jail bate” and while I don’t necessarily agree with the term I do think we’ve got to a point now where young girls are so body conscious that they make themselves up and go all out when actually at 13 they should still just be entering teenage hood. But instead they’re on TikTok and instagram and wanting to look like the latest influencer.

In terms of having a boyfriend, I think that most of us had what we might term as a “boyfriend” at that age even growing up. But while back when I was younger having a boyfriend did generally mean holding hands, I had my first kiss at 13 but didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. But these days relationships are far more sexualised, and it is sadly not uncommon for 13 year olds to be having sex or at the very least to have started experimenting.

So while you might think it’s all just holding hands and innocent, I do hope you’ve spoken to her about safe sex and contraception. My mum outright asked me if I should be on the pill when I had a bf at 14. She didn’t think I was a prostitute or acting like one, but teenagers are teenagers, and it’s naive to think that they don’t end up going down that route and finding out the hard way that they should have been careful.

If you had a sister who fell pregnant at 15 then I would hope you have learned from your parents’ mistakes.

People are quick to jump to wanting to cut people out of their lives because of what they say or how they say it.

This is how we have a generation who are growing up without the ability to manage conflict, without the ability to judge people on their own merits, because they’re never exposed to people who aren’t just like them. My grandparents had some odd views, I didn’t grow up scarred by them, I grew up realising that everyone is different, and that the ability to roll your eyes is priceless.

And most teenage girls do go through a stage of being little bitches. And most teenage boys go through a stage of being moody twats. They grow out of it, but that doesn’t make it not real at the time.

I agree with this, especially:

People are quick to jump to wanting to cut people out of their lives because of what they say or how they say it.
This is how we have a generation who are growing up without the ability to manage conflict, without the ability to judge people on their own merits, because they’re never exposed to people who aren’t just like them. My grandparents had some odd views, I didn’t grow up scarred by them, I grew up realising that everyone is different, and that the ability to roll your eyes is priceless.

It's pretty extreme to attempt to sever the relationship between your daughter and her grandmother just because she made a couple of comments you found offensive.

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:24

HoundsOfHelfire · 27/12/2024 22:10

I don’t know why OP is getting a hard time about her DD having a boyfriend aged 13. It’s not an adult relationship! My DD tried dating aged 13 too and literally was asked out via the boys friend, spend a few days ignoring each other, then split up.

At primary school some of the year 6’s claimed to have boyfriends or girlfriends but it was just child like role play.

I have a huge issue with adult language being used to describe normal stages of development. Your DD didn’t ’try dating’ at 13 - she didn’t ’date’ anyone. In the same way that most posters discussing their ‘boyfriends’ at 13, mean they actually went to the cinema with a boy once, or a boy asked them to be their ‘boyfriend’ etc and it was all forgotten about a week later. That’s not a boyfriend.

And it’s not helpful to our young daughters to think that at 13 it’s normal to be someone’s ‘girlfriend’. With all the adult connotations that come with that.

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 22:26

wellington77 · 27/12/2024 21:35

She’s from a different generation, I think you need to take that into account. I also don’t think this warrants ending contact over. This is your husband’s mum, you only get one, I wouldn’t chucked it over this.

This!! My gran used to say things like this. She was from a very working class family and left school at 14. It used to make me cringe so much and I hated it, but she wasn’t a bad person. People are products of their environment. We should be a little more tolerant sometimes.

CagneyNYPD1 · 27/12/2024 22:28

I have a dd aged 14. I can also empathise with your dd @DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife because I was treated in a very similar way as a teen myself.

My DM had a very complicated relationship with her mum (who was in fact her stepmum). Lots of guilt and always trying to please the woman. My GM was horrid to me and my sister. One memorable comment to me was that I looked like a prostitute because I had painted my toe nails. I was 12.

There were many, many comments like this between the ages of 12-16. My DM barely challenged the woman and it was always dressed up as "she does it because she cares...she's just old fashioned".

Protect your dd from this crap. Your DH might not be able to stand up to his mother but don't let that stop you doing it.

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:29

@edwinbear Well I DO think it's fairly normal for 14 year old girls to have boyfriends, but I certainly don't think it's necessarily innocent. I was 13 in the early 1970s, and was by no means the first to have a boyfriend. By the time I turned 15, almost every girl in my class had a boyfriend. With one exception, having boyfriends in our early teens didn't impact on everyone getting the most from their education - I went to a highly selective grammar school where it was almost unheard of not to stay on into the sixth form and go on to university, long before the days when just about everyone did a degree.

My own daughter had her first boyfriend just before she turned 14, and like many of her friends, went on to get a first class honours degree and a masters. It didn't affect her education in the slightest either.

I've worked with several secondary schools over the last 20 years, and it really is very common for girls to have boyfriends at 13 or 14.

Littlemisscapable · 27/12/2024 22:30

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

This. None of the adults are covering themselves in glory here.

BeAzureAnt · 27/12/2024 22:30

OP, your MIL inferring your daughter is a prostitute and saying she is a bitch is really out of line. I’d tell her to mind her own business and that your daughter’s personal life is out of bounds. Don’t share anything about your kids with her…. Just back off a country mile and don’t interact with her unless you must.

Handholding and crushes are normal at 13.

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:30

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2024 22:11

Plenty of children have bf/gf at that age. Romance of the century was 2 of my form going out with each other, starting in Year 7! The girl was beyond devastated when the bf dumped her in Year 9. The rest of the form were very invested.

In year 7, students wanted to tell me who was going out with whom. Obviously, I shut down any conversations because while useful to know, it's not appropriate as a discussion with students, other than as a pastoral issue which added background.

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And a teacher, you had no safeguarding concerns at all about Y7’s having sexual relationships with each other? 😳 How was your OFSTED?

user1473878824 · 27/12/2024 22:31

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:30

And a teacher, you had no safeguarding concerns at all about Y7’s having sexual relationships with each other? 😳 How was your OFSTED?

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Why are you so obsessed with talking about 13 year olds having sex when no one has said that?

Flustration · 27/12/2024 22:31

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:30

And a teacher, you had no safeguarding concerns at all about Y7’s having sexual relationships with each other? 😳 How was your OFSTED?

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That's not what the post said.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:33

Lostcat · 27/12/2024 22:26

This!! My gran used to say things like this. She was from a very working class family and left school at 14. It used to make me cringe so much and I hated it, but she wasn’t a bad person. People are products of their environment. We should be a little more tolerant sometimes.

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This "other generation" excuse is crap. I'm 65 and I would never use the language the mother in law did. And I bet she's younger than me.

Equally I would not be so ridiculously blasé as the OP about my 13 year old daughter , if I had one, having a "boyfriend"

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2024 22:35

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:30

And a teacher, you had no safeguarding concerns at all about Y7’s having sexual relationships with each other? 😳 How was your OFSTED?

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Jesus, extrapolate, why don't you? To quote a mumsnet classic, are you on glue? Sexual relationships?! As the OP said, talking about holding hands causes blushes. I strongly suggest they weren't having sex at 11. Idiotic comment.

Rubix89 · 27/12/2024 22:35

Nah. My mum doesn’t care what she says about and around my kids and the potential impact it has on them either. Can absolutely see where you’re coming from with this.

Also, plenty 13 year olds start to have crushes as well as boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s just a part of growing up and doesn’t need to be a bad thing that some like to make it. I’m sure OP knows her child well enough and what appropriate talks/actions to take.

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2024 22:36

leia24 · 27/12/2024 22:13

Black ice definitely links to car crashes. Makeup on a 13 year old does not link to prostitution or 'giving it away'.

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I disagreed with your assertion that the MIL stated it as a current fact and not a warning.

ie. IF you wear too much makeup you WILL look like a prostitute.

As opposed to:
You wear too much makeup and look* *like a prostitute.

JoannaGroats · 27/12/2024 22:38

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

This one!! For Christ’s sake, they’re holding hands in the playground, not jumping every which way. Half the girls in my class had boyfriends at that age.

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