Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

adult son’s age gap relationship

132 replies

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

OP posts:
Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:35

I feel like I haven’t quite expressed myself properly - when I say ‘cliché’, I mean he is feeling social pressure / judgement about the age gap.
For example, she came to a family event and some relatives made some slightly unfair jokes to us. He’s very aware of what people are thinking, and I’m trying to work out how to help him through this situation.
He’s happy and successful otherwise in his life; he doesn’t rely on me at all, so it’s quite a big deal that he has come to me for advice.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 27/12/2024 17:38

Is he OK with protecting his finances with a prenuptial? .actually I don't even know if they are legally binding? I think it's nice that he values your opinion. I'm not one of these mums that think you need to ignore your kids once they turn 18.

Hellskitchen24 · 27/12/2024 17:44

It’s not really a big deal. He’s a bit older yeah, but if he’s a decent earner and good looking, of course he’s going to be attractive to a younger woman. Plus he’s not exactly over the hill at 38 and she’s hardly a little girl at 24; I work with junior doctors who are 24. I’d leave them to it as they seem happy. It will work itself out one way or the other.

He’s also at the age where if he is looking for a woman “his age” then potentially she’s already got kids or doesn’t want them. I know as a woman in my mid thirties, the pool of decent men available around that age is narrow, and your biological clock is ticking very very loudly. He won’t have that issue with his girlfriend who has plenty of time on her hands!

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:45

Good point @wizzywig … my DH tried (tactfully) to mention about a pre-nup (I wouldn’t have mentioned it so early on) and DS was very irritated by him. He’s extremely sensitive to any suggestion his GF might be a 'gold-digger'.
Obviously that is a sexist and loaded term. I don’t like it; I had it quite a lot with my own DH (his father), so I do feel very aware of her position.
I really don’t think it is just about the money, but there’s no doubt he gives her a very good quality of life.

OP posts:
Mrsknowitall · 27/12/2024 17:48

There’s a 13 year age gap between my sister and her dh she was very young when she got with him they have been married now for 20 years I think and 3 dc and still very happy. It can work out

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:51

Hellskitchen24 · 27/12/2024 17:44

It’s not really a big deal. He’s a bit older yeah, but if he’s a decent earner and good looking, of course he’s going to be attractive to a younger woman. Plus he’s not exactly over the hill at 38 and she’s hardly a little girl at 24; I work with junior doctors who are 24. I’d leave them to it as they seem happy. It will work itself out one way or the other.

He’s also at the age where if he is looking for a woman “his age” then potentially she’s already got kids or doesn’t want them. I know as a woman in my mid thirties, the pool of decent men available around that age is narrow, and your biological clock is ticking very very loudly. He won’t have that issue with his girlfriend who has plenty of time on her hands!

Thank you for your reply @Hellskitchen24 .
Yes - she’s 24. Nowadays it seems like people often see women under 30 as very young.

I’m trying to explain to my DS about the woman’s perspective in starting a family. He has always wanted to have children, and I’m trying to explain to him just what you say - that it is a different story with women his own age. Of course not at all impossible, just different and potentially more tricky. I’m trying to say - well, it is important and mature to think about having a family, it doesn’t just happen.

OP posts:
SereneCapybara · 27/12/2024 17:53

I'd ask him what they have in common apart from being attracted to each other ('s wealth/looks). Are they both sporty? Arty? Houseproud? Are they of similar intelligence and education? Do they both want the same things in life, share the same values? If so, I don't think a 14 year age gap is that big a deal.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:54

Mrsknowitall · 27/12/2024 17:48

There’s a 13 year age gap between my sister and her dh she was very young when she got with him they have been married now for 20 years I think and 3 dc and still very happy. It can work out

That’s really nice to hear - thank you.

OP posts:
ByHeartyCyanMentor · 27/12/2024 17:56

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:51

Thank you for your reply @Hellskitchen24 .
Yes - she’s 24. Nowadays it seems like people often see women under 30 as very young.

I’m trying to explain to my DS about the woman’s perspective in starting a family. He has always wanted to have children, and I’m trying to explain to him just what you say - that it is a different story with women his own age. Of course not at all impossible, just different and potentially more tricky. I’m trying to say - well, it is important and mature to think about having a family, it doesn’t just happen.

Show quote history

I think the fact people in their 20s stay at home longer now has an impact on this.
I was married with a mortgage and a child by 24.

KnopkaPixie · 27/12/2024 17:57

They're happy. There's physical age and mental age. This isn't me talking but my (male) friend from many years ago when we were talking about age gap relationships. He said, "After a while, have you noticed that the younger one seems slightly older and the older one seems slightly younger until they kind of meet in the middle and you sort of forget about it?"

I'm not saying that my friend was any great philosopher but he might have had a point. We were talking about relationships we knew where the woman was older in some cases as well.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:58

SereneCapybara · 27/12/2024 17:53

I'd ask him what they have in common apart from being attracted to each other ('s wealth/looks). Are they both sporty? Arty? Houseproud? Are they of similar intelligence and education? Do they both want the same things in life, share the same values? If so, I don't think a 14 year age gap is that big a deal.

That would be a really good way to help him see what he has in the relationship, I think - thank you. He keeps emphasising their differences in age and how she is from another (northern European) country.
They’re both arty, work in the same creative sector.
He is much more senior and established, more highly educated, but she is really bright.

His previous relationship was perfect on paper: same degree, same university, same level professionally, similar income, same age, etc… and they were always arguing, and now (obviously!) not together.

Whereas with this woman, they are so warm, natural and affectionate together. I can just see them light up in each other’s presence.

OP posts:
MumonabikeE5 · 27/12/2024 18:01

If he plans to have a family, it makes sense to have a younger wife. But more so one that wishes to have children soon.

but the key thing is they like each other and want a future together

their age difference isn’t so big,
your family who are making snide comments are unkind and narrow minded.

ginasevern · 27/12/2024 18:01

Well, she's not a teenager is she and he's hardly an old man! It's a 14 year age gap which isn't exactly scandalous or jaw dropping - not in my opinion anyway. He's obviously got reservations though otherwise he wouldn't be asking your advice. Are you sure it's just the age gap issue?

AgeGapBbe · 27/12/2024 18:01

I met DP at about 33/34, we were acquaintances then friends and got together when I was about 35. He is 20 years older.

I’m 38 now and our baby is 4 months old! He mustn’t be put off if it’s going so well as it sounds- I feel incredibly lucky to have found DP, he’s a thousand times better as a partner and dad than I see in friends relationships and what I read on here.

Snowballsarelush · 27/12/2024 18:02

If he's sensitive and irritated with the gold digger label do you think it's because he's worried about that himself deep down? if he wasn't bothered wouldn't he just shrug it off?

Whether it's true or not, it needs to be talked about. Financial disparity can cause resentment in a relationship.

What's her career prospects/ambitions?

She could very well be the one but there's no harm in having proper grown up conversations without getting irritated or making assumptions. My advice would be, make sure you have realistic conversations about expectations on marriage, kids and long term financial goals. Doesn't matter how old you are.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 18:03

ByHeartyCyanMentor · 27/12/2024 17:56

I think the fact people in their 20s stay at home longer now has an impact on this.
I was married with a mortgage and a child by 24.

Show quote history

Same, I was already his mother then, as I keep trying to remind him!

We had a funny situation recently which I think has made him think about all of this. His cousins are her age, and at a family celebration were sitting at what we still call the ‘children’s table’ as a silly old joke. I think we still act as if they’re the little ones. Whereas she was the same age, and there as his partner.
It made me more conscious of actually treating adults as adults, whether they are 19 or 39.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2024 18:04

Ah this sounds lovely. Tbh I'm not a mad fan of age gaps as a rule and there may be the occasional uncomfortable moment - but everyone has those. 14 years isn't that huge. I think he should enjoy himself.

As for a prenup... not part of my thinking. If he wants kids soon then she will be the mother of his children, is that not worth endowing her? Plus in the early years she may not progress as fast as some of her peers. Flip that to her early 40s where her kids will be in secondary school and her earning power may rocket comparatively... he might be onto a good thing!

Gloriia · 27/12/2024 18:06

ginasevern · 27/12/2024 18:01

Well, she's not a teenager is she and he's hardly an old man! It's a 14 year age gap which isn't exactly scandalous or jaw dropping - not in my opinion anyway. He's obviously got reservations though otherwise he wouldn't be asking your advice. Are you sure it's just the age gap issue?

This! It's fine. If he was 48 I'd say bit creepy but 38? It's not a massive age gap at all.

If they're happy then that is all that matters.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 18:06

Snowballsarelush · 27/12/2024 18:02

If he's sensitive and irritated with the gold digger label do you think it's because he's worried about that himself deep down? if he wasn't bothered wouldn't he just shrug it off?

Whether it's true or not, it needs to be talked about. Financial disparity can cause resentment in a relationship.

What's her career prospects/ambitions?

She could very well be the one but there's no harm in having proper grown up conversations without getting irritated or making assumptions. My advice would be, make sure you have realistic conversations about expectations on marriage, kids and long term financial goals. Doesn't matter how old you are.

She’s a model and trying to work more in his sector.

I think she’s better than him at talking about these ‘grown-up’ issues. She asks directly about his expectations for the relationship and so on.

I’m trying to tell him - be a bloody grown up in this area! But also trying to not over-step and interfere. She’s a lovely woman and I want to support her as well.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 27/12/2024 18:07

I’m 22 years into a relationship with a similar gap to this. I think it’s been working well

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 18:08

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 27/12/2024 18:07

I’m 22 years into a relationship with a similar gap to this. I think it’s been working well

Thank you @Tomorrowillbeachicken for sharing - did you ever feel any judgements or unhelpful pressure?

OP posts:
Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 18:09

AgeGapBbe · 27/12/2024 18:01

I met DP at about 33/34, we were acquaintances then friends and got together when I was about 35. He is 20 years older.

I’m 38 now and our baby is 4 months old! He mustn’t be put off if it’s going so well as it sounds- I feel incredibly lucky to have found DP, he’s a thousand times better as a partner and dad than I see in friends relationships and what I read on here.

That’s really nice to hear, thank you!

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 27/12/2024 18:10

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 18:08

Thank you @Tomorrowillbeachicken for sharing - did you ever feel any judgements or unhelpful pressure?

Show quote history

At the beginning we were judged as I was even younger than she was, as I was twenty, but people very soon kept their opinions to themselves. Im now in my forties and since early thirties people don’t really pay attention to it

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2024 18:12

Nah I think they're grim and most of us are judging quietly.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 18:13

People will judge no matter what. If she is a model I bet she has worked from a young age and has had her pick of men.

I wasn’t ready to marry and settle at 24 but models have to grow up early and usually have a work ethic grilled into them from a young age.