adult son’s age gap relationship

[scottiemum3]

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

No, just practical. At 25 I didn't have any real idea about how much bodies change from mid 40s onwards and again mid 50s. His medicine cabinet is very late middle age. Neither of us wants to be the other's carer; we've had this discussion. But chances are more that it will be me, which would be less likely if we were similar ages. I look at relatives in their 70s and 80s and think about how I'll only be in my 60s then. And already, I look after myself better.

Retirement will be a hurdle, although I think my pension is healthier than his. Not sure how long we'll have to do fun Retirement stuff though.
I'm not going to divorce him over it, but I probably should have thought beyond "I really fancy this man, 10 years is nothing. " Because 10 years might narrow in 30s/40s, but it widens again.

@scottiemum3 I'm from northern Europe myself, similar age gap between me and DH. I do think that young people tend to be ore mature from where I come from. And more direct. But it's not normal to approach the family members of a man you fancy to vonplain to them that he is not responding in kind 🚩
Regarding age gap, I had experienced some prejudices, for example people that barely know us assuming that I am with him for money (he had none when we met), or just a tone of conversation that I "snagged" him implying I went "hunting" for him which was not the case.

I think you should encourage your son to follow his heart, and where that will lead him.
Maybe that will be with this woman, maybe another. Your son, his heart.

I’ve got a child with someone who is 40 and I’m 29, he is an idiot on all accounts but there’s nothing to do with our ages

My aunt was 22 when she got married. My uncle was 55. He was 82 when he died so they had 27 years together.
She lived in a 2 bedroom tenement flat in Brixton with my grandparents and 2 sisters, he had his own house which was extremely unusual in the 1940's.
He was a confirmed bachelor and had never wanted to get married, but once he met my aunt, everything changed for him.
Neither of them wanted children. They were married within 6 months of meeting and had a very happy life together. .

22 and 55?! That is some age gap. I'd be absolutely horrified if my 22 yr old came home with a 55 year old in tow. Do you think living in an overcrowded flat in Brixton when her 55 yr old dp had a house may have swung things in his favour a bit?

In the op's case of her ds's 14 yr gap that is far more acceptable. Still a bit weird but at least they'd look a similar generation.

I'd be absolutely horrified if my 22 yr old came home with a 55 year old in tow.

Most people would now but the world was very different 80 years ago.