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Original poster

adult son’s age gap relationship

132 replies

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 27/12/2024 18:14

I'm your son's age and if one of my friends was dating a 24 year old I'd think it was a bit creepy. You seem to be a bit desperate to be a grandmother so are glossing over it but 24 is pretty young nowadays to start a family. Does she even have a career? He's not exactly going to leave her in a good position if she has his children and then they split up with barely any work experience.

itsmylife7 · 27/12/2024 18:14

So you've got the culture difference as well.?

ILoveAnnaQuay · 27/12/2024 18:14

One of my.best friends was 24 when she met and fell.in love with a 36 year old divorced man.

They've now been happily married for over 30 years.

It's a big age gap, but it can work

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 18:15

Disturbia81 · 27/12/2024 18:12

Nah I think they're grim and most of us are judging quietly.

That’s the point he needs not to care I mean who are you in the scope of anyone’s life other than your own?

Everyone is judged he’s got to be mature enough to not care. She obviously is.

Riapia · 27/12/2024 18:17

If he has doubts I’d be advising him to think very carefully.

Soonenough · 27/12/2024 18:20

They sound like a very attractive couple each with their own strengths . Bet she is more mature at 24 now than he was at that same age. Also think it is a perfect age for both of them to start a family. He is better prepared financially and emotionally and she will hopefully have youth on her side. Tell me to ignore the teasings just jealous. Haters gonna hate

pasturesgreen · 27/12/2024 18:21

A good friend has the same age gap with her DH, although the DH is in his 50s. People will say it's not that big of an age gap (and it objectively isn't), but also be prepared for gossip or the odd unkind comment.
Worth bearing in mind the age gap won't be so noticeable now they're 38 and 24, it'll become more apparent as they grow older, provided they're still together, of course.

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 18:22

Men age better than women unless either choose the alienized look and then it’s anyone’s guess at ages or species 🤣

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 27/12/2024 18:23

I must admit, I have real concerns about age-gap relationships.

HOWEVER, two of my best friends got together when he was 25 and she was 37. Nine years later, they have two children and have just bought a house together.

If she is mature and confident and sure of what she wants (which I wasn't at 24!), then I don't think there's an issue.

saraclara · 27/12/2024 18:24

There was a 20 year age gap between my parents. Although my mum was a complex character who I had problems with, I can't fault their marriage. They were very happy right up to his death at 80.

I'm not saying that I wouldn't have concerns about a 20 year age gap with my own children, but given what you say about how happy your son and his gf are, I don't see the gap as a big concern.

Is he more worried that she might leave him for someone younger at some point? I can't quite work out why he thinks it might go wrong.

PenguinLover24 · 27/12/2024 18:24

People will always have something to judge / comment on. If they are both happy he shouldn't care. I would say though an age gap can have it's downfalls. My mum was 24 when she had me with my dad who was 48. She would want to socialise with family and he was a grump who didn't want to go anywhere 🤣 my aunt is in a similar situation just now where she's younger and enjoys family company and her older husband isn't interested and is a grump. My dad also died when I was 18 which I know can happen to anyone at any time but just thought I'd mention it anyway!

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 27/12/2024 18:25

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 18:22

Men age better than women unless either choose the alienized look and then it’s anyone’s guess at ages or species 🤣

Edited

Misogynistic bollocks. I don't know a single man who has aged better than his female partner.

Crazycatlady79 · 27/12/2024 18:27

Dodgydodgydodgy · 27/12/2024 18:22

Men age better than women unless either choose the alienized look and then it’s anyone’s guess at ages or species 🤣

Edited

What a load of shit.

YDBear · 27/12/2024 18:28

Nobody will think about age gaps when he is 68 and she is 54.

Mix56 · 27/12/2024 18:28

My BIL is with a woman (financially independent, divorced with 2 teens when they met)
They are happy. But now she is 79, he is 62. She has major health problems. & he is healthy & realises he has become ambulance/nurse/companion.....

KnopkaPixie · 27/12/2024 18:29

itsmylife7 · 27/12/2024 18:14

So you've got the culture difference as well.?

I'm unclear about the term, "Northern European" perhaps OP can clarify. Scandinavian? Baltic Countries? Poland?Belgium? Netherlands? France? Germany?

Who knows what works out though. I think OP just has to wait it out and be supportive. (To state the bleeding obvious and I am not an expert.)

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/12/2024 18:30

I am 74 now - but I was raised by an aunt and uncle who had a 17 year age gap. They had been together 15 years when they took custody of me. My aunt was 39. Not a problem.

PinkCrab · 27/12/2024 18:35

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:45

Good point @wizzywig … my DH tried (tactfully) to mention about a pre-nup (I wouldn’t have mentioned it so early on) and DS was very irritated by him. He’s extremely sensitive to any suggestion his GF might be a 'gold-digger'.
Obviously that is a sexist and loaded term. I don’t like it; I had it quite a lot with my own DH (his father), so I do feel very aware of her position.
I really don’t think it is just about the money, but there’s no doubt he gives her a very good quality of life.

just to give a perspective on this as someone who could have been asked to sign a prenup. My husband owns a business which has been in the family a long time. I know there were concerns that I could be entitled to a portion of the business if we married and then divorced which certain family members weren’t impressed by. My position was always absolutely clear - I will sign one, if we agree we are never having children. However I will absolutely not bring children into a relationship where I need to prioritise being financially independent over what works best for our family in terms of working/care arrangements. MN is excellent and giving advice regarding the importance of being financially protected before having children, and to ask a woman you want to have children with to sign a prenup is just counter intuitive here IMHO. I am pleased he reacted this way.

suburberphobe · 27/12/2024 18:38

Well, none of us can look into the future.

I'm now into a 20-year relationship with a man 22 years younger.

We even live in different countries, which suits me. I have an adult son here, living his own life in a different city.

If it works, it works.

No idea what 2025 will bring either. Enjoy wonderful people in your life.

Tomorrow it could all be over. Life is what you make it.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/12/2024 18:39

People will have an opinion and it will raise eyebrows. But so do loads of things

The only way you won't raise eyebrows is to not do anything of note

If they're happy and good to eachorher, what's the problem

Edited for clarity and to wish them the best x

BackoffSusan · 27/12/2024 18:42

I'd be weary of the age gap and whilst it's great to hear of some positive stories on here, I just don't think it's the norm for it go the distance. But people obviously do and if they're happy, and want the same things within the same time frame, why not give it a go. How long have they been together?

When I was 20 I dated (a very immature) 35 year old man and now when I look back on it, we looked ridiculous together and it was a bit odd.
My SIL is 14 years younger than my brother an at the age of 31 (2 kids later) embarked on an affair with someone her own age.
I had a female friend who dated someone 10 years younger but he had such a complex about the age gap it ended up driving them apart.

It sounds as though your son has an issue it with more than anything. I suppose maybe it feels like it matters if she isn't fitting into life in terms of extended family making comments, feeling like the odd one out. Does she get along with his friends?

Newmumburnout · 27/12/2024 18:45

Its not that bad, he should not leave her if that is the only reason. I know people with the same age gap and it has never even entered my head that's it's a problem.

Caterguin · 27/12/2024 18:47

I was 25 when I met dh. He is 10 years older. Generally, I have outearned him. In fact, me outearning him early on gave him the kick up the arse to improve himself - he took the a levels he dropped out of in his teens etc. We've had periods where we both earn the same, but I'm currently ahead by a long way.

I didn't realise he was 10 years older when we met. I was attracted by his looks, conversation and the chemistry. Further on, it was the way he looks after me. I bring the dynamism; he brings stability. Together 20+ years and 2dc. Numerous pets.

However.

The gap has had its problematic side as he's got older, especially his late 40s, and I'm aware that I may end up his carer; not necessarily have a fun retirement and be alone for a long time.

Not sure I'd do it again.

LunarLanding · 27/12/2024 18:51

Sounds good! I can’t see anything wrong with it. My only experience is my parents who are 12 years apart and have been married since the 70s. Now they are in their 70s and 80s.

Hiphiphurrayfordishwashers · 27/12/2024 18:53

To be really honest I think it’s fine for a couple of decades but when they get to 50 and 64 or 60 and 74 the gap shows more. Then again if they are happy maybe it would be a shame not to go with it. There are no rules.