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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

adult son’s age gap relationship

132 replies

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

OP posts:
YourJadeCat · 27/12/2024 18:53

My partner is 20 years older than me, i was 23 when we first started dating. At first we were both very sensitive about the age gap, especially him as he worried people thought he was some awful creep. However its always felt really natural and he is not the sort of person to seek out a much younger gf. It just happened and we don't feel our age gap anymore. Been together 10 years with a 7 year old and very happy.

I understand where your son is coming from as it made me really anxious at first
I worried about people's reactions. But everyone we know has been so lovely and supportive it just isn't a big deal anymore. I hope the same can happen for your son and his gf as it seems sad to throw away a great relationship over what others think, as they are both adults at the end of the day.

Loudjay · 27/12/2024 18:54

My aughter is in her early twenties . It would keep me awake at night if she was with someone ( male or female ) in their thirties .

Whostoknow · 27/12/2024 19:00

One of the things I really like about Gavin and Stacey is their ages are never mentioned and it doesn't matter. They're all grown ups and just happy with who they're happy with. Tell your son to just live and love and be happy.

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 19:03

He is just going to have to accept there will be people who make comments and digs around their relationship.

As long as they are happy and on the same page

Tvp123 · 27/12/2024 19:03

I have a 14 year age gap, met at 27 and have been together 15 years. I would say I was a bit old for my years and my dp isn't really an old man and still enjoys the active life, sports and music gigs etc. I think that if your son rarely meets women he is interested in then he needs to go for it.

Davros · 27/12/2024 19:03

Mrsknowitall · 27/12/2024 17:48

There’s a 13 year age gap between my sister and her dh she was very young when she got with him they have been married now for 20 years I think and 3 dc and still very happy. It can work out

There's a 13 year age gap between my sister and her DH, they met when she was 19. Apparently great for the first 20 years, disaster ever since.

filka · 27/12/2024 19:07

I was 37 when I met my new DW, who was 21 at the time. Took about 5 years to get married, but now married for 20+ years with three children. So that kind of age gap isn't necessarily a problem.

I missed what was the choice for YABU/YANBU...

SuzieQ300 · 27/12/2024 19:09

Funny I was thinking about this the other day. I met my, now, husband when I was in my late 30s and he was nearly 50, 13 years between us. If I'd have met him when I was in my mid 20s I know it wouldn't have lasted as you're still so young in your 20s and your priorities change so much as you get older. But everyone is different, if it is a new relationship then a few years together before marriage or children are involved would be my advice, to them both. Get that honeymoon period out of the way and let reality kick in.

wizzywig · 27/12/2024 19:11

Is he thinking hes turned into a cliche? Older creative rich man with the younger model who will end up doing yoga classes?

Willoo · 27/12/2024 19:15

I see nothing wrong with this

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 27/12/2024 19:20

It’s an age gap I’d note but not particularly balk at if it was my 38 year old friend introducing their new partner. Things I’d ask him to consider:

  • are their respective groups of friends going to get on, have things in common?
  • how soon does she want kids? Does she want to experience more adult life first or is she happy to skip this stage?
  • if they have kids before her career in his field is developed, does he recognise how vulnerable that makes her? Would he anticipate a very ‘traditional’ set up, and if not how would they plan for an equal relationship?
fearfulexchange · 27/12/2024 19:31

He's too old for her. I married a man ten years older than me and that gap got bigger as we got older and had children.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2024 19:40

It's not the age gap.

It's the potential for maturity gap, whether they want the same things at this stage, and by the sounds of it, there has been a question mark over her motives.

Unfortunately, none of us can know the latter.

Doyouthinktheyknow · 27/12/2024 19:41

DH is 14 years older than me. We have been together 29 years so it’s worked well for us.

DH retiring was tricky when I took on a new very high pressured job but we made it through that and I have since changed my job to get a better balance which he fully supported even though it might have led to a pay cut for me. He’s my best friend and we have been through everything together. I wouldn’t wish it any other way.

He was the higher earner when we met, supported me to do my nurse training and now I am the higher earner many years later.

DH will probably die before me but I am as prepared as I can be for that. Having said that, I’m the one who has had cancer! And no one can predict the future, we have to live for now!

Ducksurprise · 27/12/2024 20:04

All this about splitting up/not going the distance is true regardless of age- according to Google 43% end in divorce, and I know loads who should divorce but can't afford to.

I got married at 21, it seems young now but I was ready and do not regret it at all.

Crazycatlady79 · 27/12/2024 20:18

I've always dated older men. Never your stereotype of wildly attractive, wealthy older chap, but just...older guys.
I have always been an 'old soul', so drifted towards emotionally immature, but older guys.
Your son may be attractive, wealthy, successful et cetera, but clearly lacks some emotionally maturity/is insecure if he is already twatting on about his GF's age and how he needs to end things now et cetera so she can find someone her own age.
God forbid this woman may know her own mind.
If he is confident enough in himself and the relationship, or is embarrassed by the age gap, it won't last. And, unless she is singularly obtuse, she WILL know his insecurities and how the relationship embarrasses him.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 20:42

pasturesgreen · 27/12/2024 18:21

A good friend has the same age gap with her DH, although the DH is in his 50s. People will say it's not that big of an age gap (and it objectively isn't), but also be prepared for gossip or the odd unkind comment.
Worth bearing in mind the age gap won't be so noticeable now they're 38 and 24, it'll become more apparent as they grow older, provided they're still together, of course.

Yes - someone else made a similar point. I can see that in the future, 50s &60s for example, it won’t feel as significant.

OP posts:
Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 20:43

fearfulexchange · 27/12/2024 19:31

He's too old for her. I married a man ten years older than me and that gap got bigger as we got older and had children.

How so @fearfulexchange , if you don’t mind sharing?

OP posts:
Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 20:46

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 27/12/2024 19:20

It’s an age gap I’d note but not particularly balk at if it was my 38 year old friend introducing their new partner. Things I’d ask him to consider:

  • are their respective groups of friends going to get on, have things in common?
  • how soon does she want kids? Does she want to experience more adult life first or is she happy to skip this stage?
  • if they have kids before her career in his field is developed, does he recognise how vulnerable that makes her? Would he anticipate a very ‘traditional’ set up, and if not how would they plan for an equal relationship?

Thank you, those are really useful points. My DS is lovely but sometimes needs to think things through more - at the moment I’m trying to help his GF a bit with thinking through her career. For various reasons she doesn’t have a big network in this country or much family back home, so I do feel a sense of really wanting to support her. (I am really conscious of overstepping and am following her lead).

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/12/2024 20:48

It is very unfortunate that he is feeling this social pressure. He needs to ignore it. If they are happy, they are happy.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 20:49

wizzywig · 27/12/2024 19:11

Is he thinking hes turned into a cliche? Older creative rich man with the younger model who will end up doing yoga classes?

Yes, that’s it exactly. I can see the position they are in and am trying to get him to see it shouldn’t influence his decision, but he has taken a lot of ‘banter’ about this. Even a very confident person might get a bit in their heads about this kind of thing I think

OP posts:
Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 20:52

Loudjay · 27/12/2024 18:54

My aughter is in her early twenties . It would keep me awake at night if she was with someone ( male or female ) in their thirties .

Could I ask what you would be thinking? I’ve been trying to imagine (and I know this might be sexist) how I would feel if I had a daughter dating a man older than her, early 20s / mid 30s

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 27/12/2024 20:58

My brother is 51, his wife is 32. They're incredibly happy. Yes, it's a big age gap but I wouldn't end a happy relationship because of it.

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2024 21:00

If they truly love each other, they should be together — no matter what other people think or say.
I was in a relationship when I was 25 with a multi-millionaire who was 45. He was a charming, smart, lovely man. But that “that” wasn’t there for me, and I couldn’t in good conscience continue to string him along when I knew he was becoming more and more serious.
He went on to marry a lovely woman and they are still very happily married.
I am happy with my decision, and I hope your son makes the decision which is right for him and his heart — and not the decision that he thinks people will judge him for.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 21:04

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and kind responses.
Reflecting on this now, I realise my DS must have been thinking about all of this a lot recently, as there have been a lot of family gatherings, seeing family friends and so on over Christmas, plus a few weddings we’ve all been to this year. So it might be particularly at the forefront of his mind. She looks so young and beautiful and they do attract a lot of comments.
He has dated a lot previously, and is worried about looking like a ‘creep’ (as someone put it here).

I wasn’t very clear, but my AIBU was: AIBU to encourage him to stay with her

OP posts:
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