adult son’s age gap relationship

[scottiemum3]

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

14 years wouldn’t worry me too much. In six years time if you imagine them at 30 and 44, married and starting a family…… I don’t think the age gap sounds weird at all.

If your son wants to have children then realistically his only option is a younger woman.

As long as they both go into it with their eyes open and choose not to care what other people think.

Yes there may be possible pit falls. But if he broke up with her over the age gap, there is also the possibility that he might not find someone else in the future and would miss out on a chance of being a Father and husband. Imagine how much he’d kick himself later on.

Why do people keep bringing up ‘well when she’s 30 it won’t look so bad’. She isn’t 30. She’s 24. It doesn’t look as bad at 30 because 30 is very different to 24.

And illness can come into play at any time of life. My DBro fell in love with a woman his age. They married young, had twenty five years together and then she died of an undiagnosed illness in her early fifties, despite being a super fit hill-jogging marathon runner.

She is a model now, but is trying to find a more stable / academically engaging career

My son is 13 years older than his long term partner and they are very very happy together. It's no big deal.

Exactly - that is why I am trying to help him here. I'm lucky to have a grandchild already (I think someone said I was 'desperate' for one earlier!). I think this relationship could be his chance for a family life.

Yes, that is his / he general concern.
They originally met through friends when she was 23 and he was trying to distance himself from her then because of her age. She was very upset and even came to speak to me about it (unsolicited by me but appreciate her confidence). She doesn't have much in the way of family and I think has found stability in our family.

It doesn’t feel right to him. If it did he wouldn’t be asking.

My advice would be ‘Son if it feels right why are you even asking? What doesn’t feel right?’

This should open up a wider discussion. Deep down he might actually feel she is just after his money

After this update I’d be concerned to he honest. He wants a wife not a child he has got to look after. Coming to speak to you whilst upset that he chose to distance himself self whilst not even in a relationship shows she has no emotional maturity or respecting his boundaries. His family isn’t hers to adopt.

I wonder if he can feel this and really wants to run for the hills

I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 38! 3 years on we are now married with a baby due in 9 weeks!

There are 12 years between DH and me. We got together when I was 25 ( day after my birthday) and married 18 months later. He was worried at first about the age gap, but we had so much in common that it didn’t seem such a big gap.
We have been married 32 years. The age gap is more noticeable now as he is retired, but I work part time and he is still very fit and active, does the majority of dog walking and household tasks when I am at work. It’s great getting home after a long day to a hot meal waiting on the table!

Similar age gap as me and my DH. He's made me very happy for the past 15 years.
He won't feel the ahmge difference if she is emotionally mature for her age (and at 24 she is not a baby!)

Good point! Ask open ended questions

I don’t agree with ‘if it does not feel right it is not right’ otherwise he would not be asking. Being cautious about such a huge step in his life is very wise. Asking advice from people he trusts is a sensible road to take. It does seem like he is trying to protect her which is good. Unfortunately this stort of gossip is sly and slips under the radar. In your positions, if I heard it, I would deliver a very sharp slap down.

A gap of 14 years isn't that uncommon and sometimes works fine. I'd suggest to him that he shouldn't rush things by getting married or trying for a baby, or limit her opportunities for developing new interests and friends before settling down to have a family.
But I wonder if the crux of his hesitation is that he's scared of being left for someone more attractive as he moves through his forties and she's still in her twenties. That is a risk and perhaps he can't bear to take it.

I’ve worked all my life in male dominated areas - have many males in my family. When a guy wants a women he couldn’t give a shiny shit about what other people think.

After the back story I think this girl already feels like a burden and possibly a liability to him and he is looking for a way out.

@YDBear It will be very obvious at various points in life though. When he becomes 40, she’ll just be 26. When he’s 50, she’ll just be 36. Until she reaches her 40s, the age gap will be increasingly obvious. Not to mention the fact that she’s just getting started and OP’s son is more established in his career.

He’s in his late 40s, you’re already worrying you might have to be his carer someday, and you’re not sure you’d marry him again?

This sounds like your relationship has deeper problems.

That’s utterly creepy, she came to speak to you when he didn’t want to go out with her, can any part of you see how wrong that is?

“We all know it” - speak for yourself. I don’t believe they’re “all based on lust on the part of the man,” and neither do a lot of other people.

We have family friends with a bigger age gap than that - they've been married for 32 years now. I suspect the period of time between his retirement and hers must have been rather weird to get used to, but they're both retired now.

They originally met through friends when she was 23 and he was trying to distance himself from her then because of her age. She was very upset and even came to speak to me about it (unsolicited by me but appreciate her confidence)

Hmmm.

Shes controlling and she knows her end game 🤮🙄

I'd encourage your son to leave her

Oh gosh, I didn't ser it as that. It was out of character for her to come and speak to me, but she is from a culture where they are very open and direct about everything, in a way that perhaps we Brits are quite avoidant! She's got tons of admirers so she would certainly have a lot of options as a single woman. Whenever we have been out for meals or similar men just fall over her

Excellent, she'll avoid the kind of man who won't date someone his own age.

Nope she still sought out his mother when he didn’t want a relationship. Did you encourage him to see her?

He maybe be bewildered this young beautiful woman who men faun over is chomping at the bit to get in to his family and life but in reality he’s just not that in to the age gap.

Just because she is has admirers doesn’t mean she hasn’t found it hard in the past to find a stable relationship. Beauty doesn’t equal emotionally stable women or even a catch