adult son’s age gap relationship

[scottiemum3]

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

🙄

Beautiful young model who is interested in a wealthy older man.. what can go potentially wrong?

That's good to hear. It's very recent, this idea that age gaps in relationships are creepy or distasteful. I don't see why. I have friends of different ages. In my twenties in particular, some of my closest friends were a good twenty or thirty years older than me. We shared some passions and interests. If friendship works with age gap, why shouldn't romance?

a lot of my friends have similar gaps. It seems to work. People have also always assumed things about it and that’s on them. My husband had a family member tell him not to marry me days before we married. She knew nothing of me or really him but it’s on her.

My DS fell in love with a 36 year old man when she was 20. They had two children together, and he is now in his 80's. They are still together, although sadly, illness is now coming into play, but he's been extremely fit and healthy up until recently, and they've had a very good life together.

I would be so angry if a pre-nup was mentioned. Not just the disrespect for his GF but also for him. He is not a child, I am sure he worked hard for his money and not unaware of pitfalls. That is true of any age or GF.

I would say to him how happy you are that he confided in you. Looking back at history the age gap is not so great. Men were not financially secure enough to marry until that age. Give him your blessings because a lower age gap offers no guarantee.

There is an 11yr age gap between me (35) and my DH (46). We got married in Jan 2024 - after being together 5 years. We have a 3 yr old and are about to welcome another little boy to our world in April 2025. Both of us have been married before to younger/not as much of an age gap partners and it clearly didn't work as well as our relationship is now. Age is just a number.

@scottiemum3 .. when you mention your relationship, you said other people where judgemental or made comments... is that due to family wealth or age gap? Did you have a career before you had your children? What about these relatives who called her a gold digger.. were they all independently wealthy or did they marry into a wealthy family? Is there an element of the fact that she is a model and not british playing a part in this?

I think this is a great deal for your son. Not so much for her, despite his having money. She'll be the one with a man in his fifties while she's still in her thirties; she's the one who will likely end up wiping his bum; she's the one whose sex life will go down the tubes prematurely since men have real problems with erections as they get older, and she's the one who'll have a long widowhood. Son gets a younger woman to nurse him when older and someone who has a lot of energy to bring up the kids when younger. I cannot see why you might object to it, but if I was her mother, I wouldn't be happy.

But I'm biased because I'm against age-gap relationships. Let's face it, they're almost all with the woman as the younger party. There's a huge power differential and there are all the disadvantages for the woman above that I mentioned. I think large age gaps are very sad, and 14 years qualifies.

I think it speaks well of your son that he's concerned about the age gap. He's right; she is too young for him. Let her go and have someone her own age. He should leave the cradle alone. There's no reason why he can't seek out women who are in their early thirties.

Men who are happy with an age gap when it's them who's older are never keen to have a relationship with someone with the same age gap but older than them. So it's OK for their young partner to put up with someone much older, but they wouldn't want that for themselves.

OP, if your son had already had kids, so fertility was a non-issue, do you think he'd want to marry someone age 52?

These age-gap relationships are all based on lust on the part of the man, and we all know it, which is why people make comments.

I don't think the age group on its own is insurmountable.
But the combination with her being from a Baltic or East European country would sound alarm bells for me. Every relationship of this type that I know (her East European/Baltic, him British) has the same age gap, the women are very demanding/pushy and the men get walked over.
And then add in that she's a model?
She'd have to be seriously very lovely to persuade me that this relationship would be good long term for my son.

It’s a 14 year age difference, not 40!

she's the one who will likely end up wiping his bum; she's the one whose sex life will go down the tubes prematurely since men have real problems with erections as they get older, and she's the one who'll have a long widowhood.

The vast majority of people don’t need their bum wiping, some men are sexually active into their 80s and she could die first. This kind of catastrophising is absurd. She’s not in the cradle.

The age gap with my DH is similar and we also met at similar ages as your DS and his GF. We have been together for 14 years now and have built an incredible life together.

Yes, throughout the years I have caught people (strangers) being judgemental but my DH has never noticed or cared and I get over it quickly! So long as close family and close friends are supportive, the rest really don’t matter…

On a side note, the comments about caring for him down the track don’t even feature in my head. I could go first, who knows what the future holds, I’m not going to worry about 20 plus years from now!

How many 38 year old wealthy women are out dating 24 year old models? And how would that look? Like a ‘cougar’ with her fun boy. It’s no different here no matter how you dress it up.

What about when he is 70 and retired and she is only in her mid 50s?

The gap will widen as they age

A pre-nup?

Is he a billionaire?

I think this is a great deal for your son. Not so much for her, despite his having money. She'll be the one with a man in his fifties while she's still in her thirties; she's the one who will likely end up wiping his bum; she's the one whose sex life will go down the tubes prematurely since men have real problems with erections as they get older, and she's the one who'll have a long widowhood

Unless, of course, she plans on marrying and 5 years down the line, taking 50% of his wealth and running back home

That's 30 years away. He could still be working and they be smashing her pension contributions so that they can retire together. Not everyone retires at retirement age and many women actually retire earlier.

That's the trouble with age gaps - they do widen into chasms as the couple ages.

He also takes the risk that she decides she doesn't want to be with a golden oldie when she's in her forties and he's drawing his pension, and she leaves him for someone her own age.

Hmm. The international aspect of it would worry me. Does she already have the right to remain in the UK (if that is where your son is based)? My brother married a younger woman who was "definitely the love of his life" but rather brutally left him the moment she had her British citizenship.

My thoughts would be along the lines of if he's ready to settle down and have kids at 38 and she's an aspiring model without a job at 24, who will he be having kids with? If she wants to be a model, when will she have the time for kids?

He won’t be getting his pension until she’s 54. And no man her own age is going to want her at that point, they tend to want someone younger.

Prenups are not legally binding in England. They just show the couple's intentions at that point. Whilst courts do take some note of them they do not need to be followed, especially if circumstances have changed since it was made.

No - everyone ages the same. It's science.

What you are taking about are looks. Looks are very much personal and what one person finds attraction, another won't.

Suggesting that men always 'look' better when older than women is misogynistic rubbish.

My dd is not much difference in age. I have to admit that I'd be horrified if she brought home a 'boyfriend' who was almost 40y.
I'd be definitely keeping an eye on things carefully, from afar.