DH is a Freemason and it makes me cringe

[YerJokin]

He takes it so seriously. He's always gone through hobby phases but he's done this for years now and takes it very seriously. He's currently on the phone discussing 'Bretheryn' and it gives me the major ick, I actually want to cry listening to it.

I've tried to stand by him as he takes it so seriously so i attend events and smile encouragingly but I can't bear it. Never knew when I married him that he wanted to do this. It's not the worst thing he could do of course but it's an old boys club and we're only in our 30s!

He has lots of friends and other hobbies so it's not even his only social outlet, no idea why he needs this in his life and treats it like a second job.

What do they look like

Don’t be daft !!

From what I understand, Freemasons are not religious and, in fact, historically they've advocated for a secular society. They were persecuted by Hitler in Germany and Franco in Spain (who was weirdly obssessed with them).
If I remember correctly from studying them, they "believe" in a kind of "demiurge" or universal architect or something like this.

A guy I used to work with used to be a member. When he decided to leave they made life very difficult for him, even turning up at our work to speak to him

I wouldn’t like it one little bit

I haven't got an issue with single sex organisations. Let them get on with it. There are also women only branches -I'm assuming they are also cults managed by bigots?

The mumbo jumbo and jobs for the boys and the misogyny would kill it for me. Couldn't face the idea of being married to one. No thanks.
My FIL was one ... pompous ass. When I went through his stuff after he died I found all sorts of masonic nonsense.

I will say though that when one of the elderly lodge members died, they helped organise the funeral, they took it in turns to visit his widow and were very kind.

Why the hate for them?

Why is being say, a football fan and the group mentality (often thuggish and involving loads of alcohol etc) that goes with it acceptable? Watching grown men kick a ball around a pitch and screaming and crying when they lose?

Is it bc people don’t really understand it so see it as weird? It’s my understanding that they now welcome women too and do a lot for charity. Surely it’s just a club like any other? - you could say being a catholic is just being part of a club 🤷‍♀️ And the church helping those in their flock etc (certainly that was my experience of being part of a church).

My dh is a lone wolf and would rather stick pins in his eyes than be part of any club but a lot of the comments on here just sound really ignorant. I’d rather dh be a mason than off down the pub getting leathered 3 nights a week or a slave to the gym like some men.

I don’t know why you go to the partner events OP.
It’s all so sexist, old boys clubs …. giving the in boys the upper hand.

If I married someone that decided to join I’d have to assume I’m a really bad judge of character

The RIBA arranged a CPD training event for Architects at the local Lodge. My boss paid £250 for me but they wouldn’t even let me in for the event. Not unless I was the cleaner !

My ex was a meason, he was the type who liked to feel superior so the exclusivity of it is probably what drew him in. Yes, it's a method of gaining business and contacts but there is also a charitable element to it as well as 'looking after our own' in the event of Iillness, disability or death.

I can see why for some it's a deal breaker. I always saw it as a little boys club.

The problem is / was who is excluded.
catholics were not acceptable and it was probably 100 percent white Protestant male. I worked in banking in a country town years ago. Our manager who was 2nd gen Irish catholic was effectively excluded from the ‘ business community’ and back scratching that went in. Charity work gave a purpose and a cover.
Hopefully should die out soon with those kind of attitudes. Meanwhile I could not be with someone who wanted to be in this and the ritual is beyond ridiculous

Correct: there are single sex branches, for both men and women, and also mixed branches.
They are not a cult, but of course malignant narcissists can infiltrate any organization so Freemasons are not inmune to them (like scouts, churches, yoga groups, etc).

Leaving aside the funny “secret” passwords eg Boaz, Macbinna etc, the open shirt (to exclude females originally ) the rope around the neck, the funny walks, the funny handshakes and all the dressing up and archaic language and titles etc, it was designed as a vehicle for unaccountable influence and power. Nowadays it is largely an old gentleman’s club and an object of derision. A lot of Met police corruption was centred on the St James’ Lodge in London. Royalty has often been involved, Phillip Mountbatten and the Duke of Kent we’re high-ups. Charles, to his credit declined an invitation o participate. Ick barely covers it.

Ex BF was one - turned out he was married with a family, FM was an excuse to both his wife and me about why ne was out a lot.
Well - I think he was a FM - wasn't sure quite what to believe in the end.

Because of where the money might have come from.

Catholic here
Thats interesting I didn’t know that
Feels like general treatment of Catholics not that long ago

Surely that would be regarded as discrimination. Wonder if anyones tried to take them to court on that.

The men in my family were all orange order and I put them in the same socio-psycho basket. Self important and pompous. Cringe is the right word. When I spot them out and about I feel embarrassed for them. And they always do ‘but the charity, those wee poor kiddies and disabled’ codswallop, you do that for you and the status you think that brings you. Arses.

The masons raise millions of pounds for charity, they fund air ambulances, fire engines, housed people post grenfell (stepped in where the council failed) and generally spend 90% of their time fundraising. They're great people and the misconception on MN are clear. Calling it a cult is extremely offensive.

You really don't have to go to the events. This is something he does for himself and the other members, not for you as a couple, so you don't have to support it.

My FIL was in the mason's and I think it really helped him to have this bond and friendship with other men. He wasn't the sort of man to form close emotional or sharing relationships with other men so this sort of bonding over a shared activity was exactly what he needed to have meaningful connections with other men. It really helped him to develop his confidence and public speaking as a young man too.

I went to a black tie free mason do with FIL and MIL once and really enjoyed it.

They do a lot of charity work too.

There are lots of women only networking opportunities for women too nowadays, so I can't get upset by the networking aspect of the Masons. Which nowadays will be the sort of informal network any men (or women) get from having friends. Its not the 1930s anymore where only men have networking opportunities. I am currently on a publicly funded four month development programme for women which overtly has a networking function.

Ugh, I think of it as being for men who couldn't hang out with the cool kids at school / otherwise feel inferior in some way and so need a special secret club to feel important. Tell him to get a better hobby; you can do charitable work in all kinds of interesting ways.

If he was a Mason he would be at the Lodge, with discounted beer getting leathered as you put it 5 nights a week and all day Sunday for practice and the real event on a Saturday.

You get the ick about him being part of a society that does a lot for charity? Weird

I technically am a mason. I'm not a member of a lodge at present due to work commitments.

they are the second biggest giver to charity after the national lottery. Millions given to charity every year.

It a club for men, there is a woman's version to. A lot are getting on in years so find the social contact important. It's not a secret society, it's a society with secrets.

we meet, have a ceremony (which is where the secrets are) then a meal with often guests from charities that lodge is giving money to. There will also be guests from other lodges and you will visit other lodges.

to be a mason you must be 21, male and free to join (ie your partner should not object). You promise to be honourable, not break the law and to respect women,

I met a lot of nice people, helped raise money...the fees you pay to be a member paid for the admin so every penny goes to good choices. We supported the widows of members, elderly members and those of us in need

In one of my first meetings it was reported that our area had just paid to replace the lights outside the local hospice which had been smashed...the next day after hearing about it on the local news

"I've tried to stand by him as he takes it so seriously so i attend events and smile encouragingly but I can't bear it."

Then stop. Stop attending events that you don't want to attend. There is no need for you to "stand by him". If it were any other hobby would you do this? Ten-pin bowling? Male-voice choir? 5-a-sides? Scoutmaster? Let him get on with it, without feeling you have to be a part of it, because you DON'T. Your dancing attendance may be serving to encourage him to stay in it!