Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

Not so much abuse but a bit irritating I suppose. Like a child asking "why?" constantly.
I think he's being a bit silly tbh.

Why are you questioning their responses all the time?
They know their own mind. It would drive me nuts if someone constantly did that to me!

I don't think he's being silly, being asked why all of the time must be as annoying as fuck. I'm not sure it constitutes emotional abuse though!

Just stop doing it OP. He's told you he doesn't like it, you don't even know why you do it, just stop. Simple solution!

I wouldn't say it's abusive but it must be bloody annoying! If someone asked me if I wanted sauce and I said no, I wouldn't then expect to have to justify my decision!
If you know it irritates him then just stop doing it!

He made a trivial decision which only affects him and is asked why he made that trivial decision. Emotional abuse? No, but it must be very irritating at least.

Hmmm it really just sounds like a communication problem rather than abuse.

Why are you questioning his responses?

How do you react if he ignores the “why?”.

From what you’ve said it’s not abuse but really annoying.

If you are actually expecting him to justify every tiny little decision he makes, especially if it differs from what you would do then that would be abusive I think.

I don't realise I am doing it.

I don't think it's emotional abuse but it's very annoying. If you are now aware you're doing it, then you should try not to.

You do realise you're doing it - you've just written a whole thread stating you do it!

Those questions do sound like a headtwist. Asking another adult to justify their trivial, everyday choices is bizarre and intrusive.

I just ask without thinking, it's a reflex action.

Not emotional abuse

But so annoying to be asked WHY? every time you were asked a question. It'd be like having a 3 yo around all the time.
It would definitely drive me mad. Why do you do it? What do you want to gain from asking why?

Well, take 10 seconds to think before you make any response, ever.

Or carry on doing it and split up

Up to you really.

The sauce/food issue is an interesting one. My abusive Ex was keen for me to eat what he thought I should eat, including things I’d always disliked. Constant commentary on how I liked my tea, ‘hiding’ food in dishes he made.

These two examples seem fairly innocuous but depends on whether or not it’s part of a much bigger picture.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

The asking why is not abusive but continuing to do something after he has told you that he doesn’t like it/it’s annoying is starting to go down the path where it could end up being abusive

You’re asking him why he doesn’t want extra sauce? Does he need to have a reason, does he need to share that reason with you? I agree asking why is more annoying than abusive. Continuing to do something you know is annoying when he’s asked you to stop is heading towards abusive.

Abusive, probably not. Annoying, incredibly! Like a toddler asking why when it doesn't make sense to ask why.

My ex used to ask me why, mostly with sex, and it got to the point that I stopped saying it, because I felt like I had to justify everything, instead of my no being accepted.
I’m not commenting on whether or not it’s abuse, but he’s telling you something, and you’re still questioning it, instead of accepting what he’s saying.

Me too

I think it depends on how he takes the meaning of the question. If he feels like he constantly needs to give a reason for his choices then I can see why he might see it as abusive, to me it could come across as controlling. He has told you he finds it irritating and you have continued to do it, maybe you need to make more of an effort to stop questioning him.

Hi op,
on the surface it sounds annoying opposed to abusive but how do you react when he replies?
eg if he tells you he has something new, do you start eye rolling or huffing and puffing?
I know people who do similar things and get a bit jealous about people having new things etc?
I’ve a pal who asks if everything I own is new, clothes I’ve had for over 20 years she’ll just ask if they’re new for conversion but seems irritated by whatever response she gets. I think if she were my partner not my pal I’d find her reaction of being irked regardless the reply as bordering on abusive. It’s like she wants a reason to get herself wound up. Needless to say, I barely see her these days.
Hopefully you’ll be able to discuss it with him properly but as someone else who finds constant questions quite a struggle to deal with, make the effort to stop this.

He doesn’t need to justify the “why” to you.

If my DH kept incessantly grilling me on “why” this/that, I would think he was a fucking weirdo.

This. It's overbearing and smothering. You don't need to know why.

Why doesn't someone want extra sauce? What would be the sensible response to that. Honestly? It's not even a reasonable question that has an answer.
As for shoes, you need to clarify why would anyone buy a pair of shoes? Are you joking?

I'm not surprised he finds it annoying. It's not abuse though!