Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

Wouldn’t say it’s emotional abuse but it’s bloody annoying. You are aware of it so stop doing it going forward.

It makes you sound quite childish and unintelligent.

i would find it irritating- particularly from someone I spend a lot of time with.

i would be too annoyed to answer the question every time and i think I would start to avoid being around you.

work on stopping it - do you do this with other people - friends and work colleagues?

If you do it with everyone it's annoying not abusive.

If you do it solely to him and he's constantly feeling like he has to justify himself then his feelings are valid and it is abusive.

So OP do you ask everyone or just him?

He feels like he's being asked to justify everything - what he eats, what he spends, what he does

@Pieomyy it's not abusive, but it's certainly the role of an overbearing controlling mother, and not that of a wife/partner!!!

Do you ask him if he wiped his bum too when he goes to the toilet???

Perhaps you need to think about how it would make you feel if someone constantly asked you WHY you did basic things and having to justify your every move.

Asking him 'why' all the time suggests that you feel you are in charge of him and have a right to assess his decisions. It's just not normal to ask 'why' when someone does something that doesn't affect you like decline sauce or buy shoes. You need to really do some proper soul searching to understand why you do this and you need to stop doing it. It's infantilising and fucking annoying. The fact that you keep doing it even when asked not to, and the fact that you try to suggest you are not in control of it, although not abuse on their own, could, when taken together with other things, contribute to a picture of you needing to be in control. Who in your life used to do this?

OP just go and apologise to him, explain its an annoying habit you are going to try to break. Tell him to not reply when you ask why and you will not be annoyed and will apologise each time until you stop doing it.

Yes, this is possibly abusive, however the context isn't really there for anyone to definitively say it is or isn't.

Do you do it every time?
Do you do it to others?
How do you react when he gives you an answer to why?
How is the rest of your relationship?

The questioning needs to stop either way.

I doubt you don't know you're doing it. That sounds suspicious to me. Sounds like an excuse.

I don’t understand why someone would ask why someone didn’t want more sauce? How does one articulate why they don’t want it?!

So it's overbearing and controlling behavior but not abuse?

OP - IMO the fact he's asked you to stop and you have continued means this crosses the line into abuse. I'm another one that thinks some therapy might be beneficial

You need to learn to communicate and converse better. If his response was 'new shoes' then a follow on response would be something like "oh lovely, can I see?", or "mmm nice, what are they like?" You shouldn't be questioning his response with a 'why'. That's really annoying and if you do it all the time I'd personally be thinking you're not engaging in the conversation fully, because you're not offering a connective response, just parroting 'why?'

You sound like hard work. Sorry Op but I think you should take some chill pills

I'm interested in how long this gas been going AND whether you do it to other people, OP.

And it would annoy the living shite out of me.

By itself, it's irritating rather than abusive. BUT, if someone told me their partner questions every single decision they make, even the small ones like adding sauce to their food, my antenna would be up because this leve of questioning absiolutely suggests that you believe he has to justify every decision he makes. It would tip over into abuse if the answer he gives is not to your liking and you question/argue or even punish him for it.

eg
"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?" "Because I'm happy with what I have on my plate" "But I worked hard to make this sauce and now it's going to be wasted? Why do I even bother".

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?" "Because my old ones were getting a bit tatty". "But what if we needed that money for something else?"

I think it depends on the wider context of the relationship. If you are also the poster that doesn't like your DH asking if you had a nice day for example, then the bigger picture may be that you are difficult to live with, possibly pretty controlling and possibly pretty critical.

If on the other hand, he simply found offense at these two questions and the rest of the time you show you care about him, respect his choices and wishes, and the two of you are equal partners in a loving relationship then no, it's not abuse just silly questions

I make it quite clear as in parent-child relationship "controlling" e.g. parent tells child what to do or asks what child is doing. Parents are supposed to control their kids. The OP is treating their partner like a child.

Ask yourself why.
Have some self awareness and reflect on what could be underlying this reflex.
Then dig further until you get to the core belief which is usually some fear or anxiety.

Or just stop doing it.
But if you have an underlying insecurity or worry it will come out in another way.

And I'm wondering if that's what your dh picking up on, he feels there's something underlying what you think is a simple question, but he feels it to be an accusation, insecurity etc

It isn't abusive because you aren't doing it deliberately, but it would be extremely annoying. He's already told you, yet you thoughtlessly continue to say it.

You need to stop doing it.

"Why?"

Because I said so.

No, this is 100% inaccurate and is why I believe so so many people (mostly women) land up in abusive relationships. This idea that the abusers is evil, that they are 100% conscious of what they are doing and, in fact, plan it makes it very difficult for people to accept that abuse is happening - "but he really loves me, I know he does" etc.

eg the man or woman who is deeply deeply insecure and land up being controlling as a result - insisiting on constant proof that their partner is not cheating, constant reassurance of love etc. That is abuse. The fact that they're not doing it on purpose is irrelevant.

Tell him to start responding to your irritating “whys” with his best rendition of Billie Piper’s 1998 breakout hit - “Because I want to”

You’ll soon stop, I’m sure.

I wouldn’t say it is in itself emotional abuse however it would be more than just irritating to have every single minute decision questioned. Why do you think he got new shoes?? It’s important to recognise for yourself that this behaviour must be incredibly grating and communicate to him that you are going to make an effort to stop

But this isn't a parent child relationship, if she's infantillising him that's a form of abuse

Question someone's choices constantly puts them on edge. If someone questioned everything I did I would feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
Why shouldn't he buy new shoes? by asking why he has brought them you will make him feel defensive as if he has to explain every purchase or decision. Doing it to someone constantly could make them doubt every decision they make.

That would enrage me, and it's just weird. Doubly weird that you say you don't know why you say it and you don't even realise you're saying it.

Whilst it seems a trivial question he must feel monitored and can’t do anything without being questioned ,explain himself and have to justify it ,it must be suffocating
so yes I would see it as emotional abuse and manipulative

tbh if I were him I would just ignore the question