Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

The question "why?" Is judgemental - it gives you a platform to then judge his response (re extra sauce/new shoes etc) as either a good or bad decision ie one you agree with or not. So I wouldn't call it abusive but certainly judgemental and highly charged as critical.... definitely tedious and exhausting and if you've been called out on it I'd suggest your DH has had enough and those around you are no doubt suffering the same way from your "reflex"

Well we shall have to agree to disagree then.

If someone's unintentional behaviour upsets their partner, they are told about it and change their ways, then it isn't abuse. If someone is told that their behaviour upsets their partner and they keep deliberately doing it on purpose, then that is abusive.

Neither of which apply to the OP. She knows that her dp is annoyed by her behaviour, but she doesn't seem able to stop. She is going to try though.

@blacksax until she confirms whether she does this with everyone else in her life or not, you have no idea whether it's deliberate or not.

She knows that her dp is annoyed by her behaviour, but she doesn't seem able to stop
Unless she has some very peculiar form of Tourette’s, of course she’s able to stop.

Hmm, let's slightly change your last paragraph.

A husband knows that it's wrong to hit his wife, but he doesn't seem able to stop. He is going to try though.

That would be ok by your rationale?

No, I don't do it with other people. I don't know why I do it to him.

This behaviour is so lacking in self awareness and respect that I can see why it feels abusive. It can’t be like talking to another adult at all. You need to find a way to have proper conversations!

You sound exhausting. 🤷‍♀️

Wwll you know he hates it, so can you stop doing it?

Disrespectful nonsense.

I imagine he'd describe it differently. My partners questions my every choice, big or small. I can't make a decision without them demanding an explanation- even whether I want bloody sauce or not. I've asked repeatedly for them not to do this to me but they think I'm being dramatic and don't see the big deal. I'm the only person they do this to, they don't question other friends or family just me.

Why do you keep doing it when you know it pisses him off?

I do think that could be counted as abusive, tbh.

It sounds exhausting and undermining, like you don't trust him to know his own mind. He doesn't owe you an explanation for every little thing. "I don't realise I'm doing it" is bollocks.

Start bloody thinking, then. It’s not hard for most people.

My DH does that all the time. It's not emotional abuse, but it is annoying. Especially if he thinks I've made a mistake, he'll ask me why I've done it. Not accusingly, just like he wants to understand my thought process patiently, sort of like it's part of an empathic teaching moment. Like, "how come you left your keys in the fridge?" Because I'm an idiot and made a mistake because I was busy, obviously! I've asked him to stop, but I don't think he can. It's not emotional abuse, though, and definitely not worth ruining an otherwise perfectly good marriage over. 😆

What sort of answer is he expecting when he asks why you left your keys in the fridge?
Very odd of you to assume he can’t help doing this.

There's something that hints at judgemental about that sort of questioning. It's annoying at the very least, but also comes across as passively aggressively critical.

I've been at your DP's end of this. It's draining, exhausting, intrusive, baffling, weird and can very much feel like some sort of emotional torture after a while.

Rubbish.

More friendly responses might be:

'New shoes? Ooh let's have a look!' Said excitedly, or at least showing interest.

'Do you want some extra sauce?' 'No thanks' (though I note he didn't say thanks). You: (putting ketchup / sauce boat / ladle down), does not require an answer. Or, if you must say something... ' there's plenty', would be an ok response.

Does he provide an explanation? Do you stop at why, try and convince him he is wrong, continue to demand an answer or laugh embarrassed because you just realised you did it again? All relevant to the is it abuse question.

There's your answer.

Why you do it?

1. You're desperate for connection/conversation and he's not giving you that so this is your only way to engage him. Obviously massively backfiring. You need to look at your relationship properly and work on your conversation skills.

1. You feel you have the right to know everything and anything and question it all. He's just a silly little man that knows nothing, needs your guidance and has to justify himself to you, every time he does something you don't approve. This is abusive.

OP you sound insecure. The constant questioning of your husband puts him in a defensive mode, as if he is in the wrong. This is a passive aggressive behaviour.

It’s not abuse as such, but it would be annoying.

You are just being silly now.

I left my first marriage due to his psychological and physical abuse of me. I've been there. I have been a victim of abuse, so don't try be a smartarse, okay?