Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

He sounds like a drama queen, it's not emotional abuse, annoying maybe, but not abuse.

Does this mean you do the same with everyone ?

The OP is not abusing their partner. They are patronising them.

Why is everyone so quick to label abuse?

On the surface it doesn't appear abusive, but if you've had years of being constantly annoyed by the utter stupidity of it I can imagine why it feels that way - the poor man must be permanently tense waiting for the next pointless 'Why' as it's clearly driving him up the wall.

You sound extremely annoying, op.

If I were him I'd LTB if it didn't stop.

I overheard a toddler responding "why?" to everything that was said to him.

It was bloody irritating, and I only had to endure it for 20 minutes.

It doesn't matter if it is or isn't. It's irritating him enough that he's said it feels like it is. You're going to have to make more of an effort to knock it off.

My husband does this thing where he wants to turn every single thing into a debate. I used to fall for it and end up googling examples of my point but now I tell him to knock it off when he forgets himself.

Like ordering curry. I like some for next day but I don't trust reheated rice, there are proved reasons that you have to be careful reheating rice so I just make my own the next day. It's not a big deal

But saying that to him turns into a 5 minute conversation of if rice wasn't safe to reheat then why do they sell microwave rice. He wants me to explain completely why you don't reheat rice and why can you get it in microwave form.

I did end up raising my voice at that one because who gives a fuck if I want fresh rice or not?

If you also do this to everyone else, I can guarantee that people swerve you.

My mother behaves like this and I would say if you do it all the time it is abusive.

Asking "why" is very controlling - it indicates that he has to justify his reason (for what you described as very simple, every day interactions that really don't need justifying) and that you will judge his response.
It also demeans him by treating him like a child.

Actually, if you don't know why you do it but describe it as a reflex action, I wonder if this is a pattern of behaviour you've seen between your own parents?

@VickyEadieofThigh this could be a long shot but did you grow up in Hampshire and have you got an older sister? I used to be a good friend of your sister's if this is true so I hope I'm right. A real shame if I've put 2 and 2 together and got to 5.

That's my thought. You are aware enough to be asking the question. Maybe pause and think before speaking next time?

It isn't abuse though, just quite annoying..especially with the sauce😁

Patronising someone is another way of abusing them, you keep giving new examples of abusive behavior and saying it's not abuse.

Imagine someone asking if they were being abused and the responses being "No, you partner is controlling and overbearing while patronising you and treating you like a child but it's not abuse"

She's boiling the kettle and pouring the water over teabags, why are people so quick to label it making tea?

Someone constantly asking me why would drive me nuts.

You sound fucking strange and I would have ended the friendship/relationship when you first started this bizarre way of relating, if I knew you.

Now he’s raised it with you, and you’re now aware, just catch yourself saying it and own the strangeness ‘actually don’t answer that, I’ve done it again’ etc.

I wouldn't say it's abuse based on that alone, however it would be grounds for me to leave if I was constantly questioned why I did something. Sorry OP, but you sound incredibly annoying. Telling you to drop it once should be enough, I wouldn't be able to put up with "why?" all the time, it's annoying enough from my toddlers but I understand it's normal for them - not an adult!

No is a complete sentence.
Why do you need to know the who, what and why’s to absolutely everything?

I feel like if a woman came on here saying her dh questions every minor decision she makes, down to food choices and purchases, even though she’s asked him to stop, people would rightly think it was controlling and abusive.

Can't think what I've said that leads you to that conclusion. I have no sisters and grew up in Yorkshire!

Exactly this. It doesn’t even make sense to ask why he didn’t want sauce in the first example - what on earth were you going to do with any answer he gave you?

If you’re continuing with behaviour he’s asked you to stop then I can see why he perceives that as abusive.

@VickyEadieofThigh , not to worry. It's just that your username is almost identical to my friend's sister. I thought I could be barking up the wrong tree. Hey-ho. Not to worry.

Not emotional abuse but like others said that would drive me insane someone asking why constantly, I wouldn't want to be around them either or be able to relax. No need to ask why he bought a pair if shoes or why he doesn't want sauce...

Constantly questioning his choices could be perceived as being belittling.

Bette Midler fan, is she?

But why? See it’s annoying

If anyone doesn’t want extra sauce, you don’t bloody need to ask why. It’s followed by Ok.

Shoes, could possibly be a why if he already has shoes and don’t have money but seriously though. Stop with the why

This is an alternative explanation to the main one other posters are discussing. It may not be about control and judging him and interrogating his decisions and treating him like a child.

Instead, the OP is like a child asking "Why?" and putting him in the position of a parent.
When a young child asks "why?", they are doing it to continue the conversation - it is a way to keep the adult talking to them, to keep attention. They don't have other skills to continue a conversation.

OP - does he give you enough attention? Does he talk to you very little? Do you need more conversation from him?
If so, learn a few other ways to converse and stop asking "Why?"