Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

I don't think there is anything silly about pointing out that abusive behaviour is abusive behaviour regardless of the stated intent of the perpetrator. Or is only some abusive behavour "bad enough" for you?

OP has admitted she doesn't do this to anyone else. So she is choosing to do it. Most people if they know their partner doesn't like them doing something will make an active effort to stop doing it. Not say they can't help it and keep doing it.

Why?

One or two people have taken issue with me over my posts on this thread, so I have taken the time to read the entire thing over again, read other comments, but paying particular attention to the OP's posts.

The OP says she doesn't realise she's doing it, and as far as she is aware, doesn't do it to anyone else. Some people are saying that it is abusive behaviour.

It has belatedly occurred to me (and since this is Mumsnet, I'm quite surprised that nobody else at all has stopped to consider), whether there may be other things at play here.

Firstly, on many threads when someone's behaviour is odd like this, there will often be posts suggesting that the person may be neurodiverse in some way. No-one has said anything like that on this thread, yet it could be a reason for someone to unwittingly repeat a behaviour over and over again without knowing they are doing it, and therefore be unable to stop.

Secondly, it is well known that abusers often accuse their victims of being abusive. The OP doesn't know she is asking 'why' all the time, and as far as she is aware, doesn't do it to anyone else. So there is in fact the possibility that her DP is gaslighting her by telling her she is doing this when in fact she is not, and he is then accusing her of emotional abuse.

Thirdly, from the examples shown, they could be perfectly reasonable questions as part of a normal conversation, if for instance he would normally always have loads of extra sauce and inexplicably turns it down. Or if they are very short of money and she is asking why he's bought another pair of shoes when she knows he has 17 perfectly good pairs already. Someone who thinks they are King of the Castle might be infuriated that their subordinate partner has dared to question them in any way.

Finally, the overwhelming majority of the early posters on the thread said they didn't think it was abusive, and the thread suddenly changed tone with a pile-on of people having a go at the OP and others joining in, which all too regularly happens to threads on MN. Disappointing.

@blacksax wow, you really went out of your way to find any other possibility than you might be wrong!

You said "She knows that her dp is annoyed by her behaviour, but she doesn't seem able to stop. She is going to try though." There is no indication from OPs posts that she is going to make any attempt to change. She was told it's annoying before and hasn't made changes - she just excuses her actions by saying she can't help it and doesn't know why she does it.

No, you are missing other variables.

If they are doing it and are told it upsets their partner and they say they will stop but don't stop because they find it too difficult (eg lots of.crying how they know it's bad but they can't help it etc), it's abuse even if not intentional.

Another way it's abuse, which I think is probably the case with OP, is when they are told but they don't agree with the person telling them the behaviour is not ok. Or they think it's not that bad
Or they believe they aren't really doing it. And so the abuse continues.

Also, if you left a marriage because of extreme abuse it can be difficult to understand lesser levels of abuse. They seem so silly and trite in comparison. Just like people.who have never experienced abuse can so.often find it hard to understand why the person didn't "just leave".

Not abusive but must be irritating AF.

This one though,

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

is plain certifiable.

It becomes abuse when you know you’re doing it, he has told you he finds it abusive, and if you continue to do it.

You seem very blasé. Do you understand how much he must hate this?

I think asking your partner, Why?, after they mention they bought a pair of shoes or whatever the item is, would make them feel defensive/uncomfortable, if it happens regularly. It sounds as sounds as if you don’t approve of their actions and you want a justification for it. Why - what was wrong with existing shoes/did you need them/how much.

Wouldn’t it be more typical to say, oh, show me, they’re nice,…..

The same with I did this/I’m going here/would you like this and so on - Why? Why? I’m sure your partner would like to reply, oh just bog off.

Must be like living with a toddler

Why?

Then stop.

Yeah, well I was bored and went for a long walk, and thought back on what it was like in my first marriage (when I was being physically abused), and then started to think of all the threads on here I've read over the years, and having nothing else to do, I wrote my stream of consciousness down.

There's a whole different bunch of possibilities with regard to the OP's situation, and I only wrote down things that occurred to me that didn't appear to have already been mentioned.

Constantly asking ‘why’