Is this emotional abuse?

[Pieomyy]

"Do you want some extra sauce?" "No." "Why?"

"What did you buy?" "New shoes." "Why?"

DH has accused me of emotional abuse because I am constantly asking him why. He claims he can no longer switch of and relax when he is around me. He used the above two examples of questions I asked him yesterday as evidence of emotional abuse.

I don't know why I ask, a force of habit, and he has told me before that he finds these questions annoying but yesterday was the first time he accused me of being abusive.

This would drive me absolutely mad. Like your DH, I wouldn't be able to relax. I'd feel like I was constantly being interrogated. You really, really need to stop.

It will come across as needing to know every little nuance and thought he has, like every decision he makes in his head has to be explained to you.
It's cloying.

No. I don’t think it’s abuse. Irritating though. He should just find some stock answers like;

’Z’
’just because’
’Youve just asked my why, did you mean to?’
’Why do you want to know’

This kind of behavior can absolutely feel like a form of emotional abuse because it puts the other person in a constant state of defensiveness or frustration. Even if that’s not your intent, it can feel controlling and undermining. If the roles were reversed and a woman was being questioned this way—why she bought something, why she needed something, or why she was doing something—a whole list of issues would immediately come up: financial control, emotional control, micromanagement, and even manipulation. The same apply here...

How is it a reflex action? You need to think more before you speak and stop doing it. He’s told you he doesn’t like it and now he’s told you he feels it’s abusive. You really need to stop.

Do you do this to anyone else?

To begin with, just annoying. After a while I think it could be considered abusive- you know how much it bothers him and yet you persist in doing it.

You need to start taking accountability for yourself. Saying it’s just a reflex is a cop out.

I don’t know about the label but dh did used to do this and it does make it sound like you can’t allow him to make simple decisions really!

If you're doing it in front of people so he's constantly being put on the spot, that would be really stressful. Also if he's asked you to stop and you haven't.

Practice a new reflex if you need to, like okay, thanks, and be sure to stop doing this.

If he's asked you to stop and you keep doing it, even though you know he doesn't like it, then yeah, it's abusive.

Just stop saying it. Problem solved.

Come on OP, it isn’t difficult

Verbally replying to someone is not a reflex action.

Actually I’ll go against the grain and say if it has been like this for long then it is abusive. He’s asked you not to do it. It’s tantamount to him being asked to justify himself all the time and explain his actions. It becomes abuse by repetition. Horrible and unfair behaviour OP. You have to stop it!

Do you do this to everyone else? Do you do it to your boss?

What happens if he doesn't respond to your why or gives an answer you don't agree with?

Agree I’d hate this

Good point. I bet you don't ask your colleagues or friends, "why?" all the time. It's none of your business, they'd get cross with you if you did and you know this.
You ought to think about why you feel entitled to do it to your dh.

It’s clearly got to the point where yes, it seems abusive, because he is in a constant state of being questioned and asking to justify every single simple decision in his life and feeling like he’s constantly interrogated and on edge.
You KNOW you are doing it, just bloody stop it!! What exactly are you expecting of him? Do you want sauce? No thanks… that is a full answer. Asking him why after that doesn’t even make sense apart from anything else.
He must be exhausted by it

@Pieomyy

Now that you have realised how will you stop?

Can you find some technique that you use every time when it happens and before you respond? There used to be a simple trick with a thick rubber band on your wrist that you "twanged" rather than reply ...

What do you mean, you don’t realise you’re doing it? How are you speaking without knowing what you’re saying?

If you’re seriously this lacking in self awareness it’s time for some therapy.

Maybe engage your brain before opening your mouth?

I think it is abusive and controlling.

Do you realise how stupid you sound claiming you have no control over what you’re saying?

The definition of emotional abuse.....

Emotional abuse is when someone repeatedly tries to make another person feel bad or doubt themselves.

I can see where your DH is coming from. If my DH was constantly asking why I'd find it weird, annoying and controlling.

Totally agree
It's belittling and undermining
Asking an adult to explain all their decisions to you
Awful behaviour

So stop.

I think I would get very irritated by that tbh. However it's not abusive. Did you ask him why he thought it was abusive? Sorry, couldn't resist.