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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my niece and nephews

230 replies

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 00:20

Is that normal?

I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable

My niece and nephews are objectively quite nice little people. They mean no harm. They r all primary school age and a little younger than my own DC. The problem is though, I don't like them!

I often hear friends rave about their niece's and nephews. Only today a friend texted me about how lovely it has been for her to spend Christmas with her niece and nephew.

But I don't feel it at all. I know I should love my niece and nephews to bits, but I just dont. In fact, I actively dislike them! (Sorry, I know that's not nice. I obviously don't let them know. I'm v nice to them, praise them, tell their parents how sweet/clever/etc.. they are....)

I obviously love my own DCs, and I like most of their friends - so it isn't a blanket dislike of all children who aren't mine! But my niece and nephews really annoy me and no, I don't enjoy spending time with them.

Anyone else?
Why is this?
Will I grow to love them and stop finding them annoying?

OP posts:
Lightswitchup · 30/12/2024 09:17

My nephew was a bit annoying but he’s lovely now as a young adult. Hang in there.

Udonoodles4Tea · 31/12/2024 07:03

I can't quite bring myself to love my cousin's son (I am an only child, we are the same age and very close growing up) because of how she / her parents treated me when I became pregnant with DS. I had no idea that she was TTC at the same time as me, I had fertility treatment (so not an easy ride) and got pregnant before her...they couldn't handle it and were vile towards me until she fell pregnant a year after me. I was genuinely so happy for her, but now find that her parents continue the ill feeling by constantly talking about how perfect their DGS is and down-talking my own DS. At the end of the day, he's a lovely child but I can't separate him from their behaviour.

TinselTuesday · 31/12/2024 07:48

Sorry to hear that @Udonoodles4Tea Must hurt a lot, particularly because you have that expectation from childhood that cousins can be raised closely together.

I suspect my relations with my in-laws would have been easier if we'd not 'won' the race to have a baby in one case or get married in another.

Udonoodles4Tea · 31/12/2024 08:34

@TinselTuesday it is incredible how people can completely change their behaviour towards you over a "race" that you didn't even realise you were "competing" in 🤷‍♀️ They tainted my pregnancy and made the first months of my DS's life a living hell.

TinselTuesday · 31/12/2024 10:05

My MIL fuelled the marriage one. Bizarrely kept all the admin notes and then tried four years later to recreate/upscale the whole thing, my SIL didn't stand a chance but also leaned into the whole thing. Those cousins are needy and suffer from posh neglect.
The in-laws who had kids after me, the clock was ticking loudly, she'd watched her friends and sisters all have kids and it was her turn to do it better. Of course the babies didn't understand, they cried and refused to hit milestones early so sadly she went the other way and created self fulfilling stereotypes of shy/super sensory/blunt.

Family get togethers make me sad, I do blame the parents having seen the passage of time. As they approach adulthood I wonder which ones will unpick there motivations with the help of Therapy and Mumsnet and which will drag their dysfunctional childhood through life.

catlovingdoctor · 31/12/2024 10:06

I'm fairly indifferent to mine but I don't inherently dislike them.

JMSA · 31/12/2024 10:13

To me, it's not normal and very cold.

Emmz1510 · 31/12/2024 19:58

I love mine, so can’t really identify with this. Not the same as my own child of course, but I do love them. It would almost have been more understandable if you’d said you don’t love them but at least like them, especially given you haven’t described any annoying qualities or behaviours. How often do you see them OP? I am probably closer to my nephew than my nieces (different parent) because I used to babysit him a lot. But I love and like them all.

Manthide · 31/12/2024 20:37

My sil has 2 children, my only neice and nephew. They were very difficult dc who were allowed to be totally obnoxious to the detriment of my own dc. When they were young nephew wanted milk and sil took a half litre carton out the fridge and stuck a straw in it - he drank the lot. My dd1 wanted milk before she went to bed (we were staying at sil's) and she couldn't have any as nephew had drunk all the milk! Of course it was sil's fault not the dc but it didn't make me like them. They are adults now and still very self centered.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 31/12/2024 20:54

Currently cuddled up in bed with my niece, so I'm clearly biased as I adore both my nieces and my nephew, but I think it's very odd (and sad) that they are nice people but you don't feel anything for them.

I presume you've know them all since birth- did you not love them automatically? I experienced 'love at first sight' with all three of mine on meeting them when they were each a few hours old.

Crystall88 · 31/12/2024 20:56

You're mean. I can't imagine actively disliking children, particularly ones I was related to. This is on you. Awful.

Luxembourgmama · 31/12/2024 20:58

How is your relationship with your sibling? for me this affects the relationship with my Ns.

Deadringer · 31/12/2024 21:06

It seems a bit odd. I have a lot of nephews and nieces and i am not really bothered about them but I don't dislike them.

familyissues12345 · 31/12/2024 21:10

I love all of mine and they span from 6 months to nearly 22! I love spending time with all of them for different reasons, the little ones satisfy my desire for baby times (mine are teens/adults) and the older ones are interesting!

Mh67 · 01/01/2025 00:48

I've never said it out loud but I have no feelings whatsoever for my grandchild. She looks nothing like her dad and we never bonded she is her mother's double.

Gowlett · 01/01/2025 00:52

My sister doesn’t like my DS. I like her DS.

TinselTuesday · 01/01/2025 00:56

Mh67 · 01/01/2025 00:48

I've never said it out loud but I have no feelings whatsoever for my grandchild. She looks nothing like her dad and we never bonded she is her mother's double.

This is the place to confess @Mh67 are you surprised? Did you think it would be automatic to bond?

FantasiaTurquoise · 01/01/2025 01:38

Does it matter? If the feeling isn't there, it isn't there. Behave as if you do and either the feeling will come or it won't matter as no-one will know and you'll be doing the right thing for your kids by making sure they are close to their cousins. You never know, it might change as they get older.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 02:04

My niece on my side is great. 2 nieces on DHs side are great. I love these girls, they’re very lovable and I feel great affection for them.

But 1 niece and 1 nephew on DH’s side (10 and 12) I absolutely cannot stand. They are insufferable, spoilt, unkind, selfish children who are absolutely vile to my own kids and it’s overlooked because my sibling ILs have self diagnosed them with ADHD (they have both had NHS and private assessments that have said they do not have ADHD but instead gaming addictions and low self esteem) therefore every time my DC have been pushed, left out, called nasty names it’s “a symptom of their ADHD” and they don’t like me telling them off (I do anyway) because “they can’t help it”. We actually don’t go round any more, if we have the misfortune of seeing them it’s at PILs house and it can be kept to a minimum contact. I don’t just not love them I actively dislike them and despair that they will be connected to me for life (not sorry)

IMO family love is absolutely conditional EXCEPT for your own kids, obvs. Anything else goes.

ShesNotACowShesAFox · 01/01/2025 02:06

Mh67 · 01/01/2025 00:48

I've never said it out loud but I have no feelings whatsoever for my grandchild. She looks nothing like her dad and we never bonded she is her mother's double.

Do you think you’d love her if she looked like your son?

Vinni8 · 01/01/2025 07:41

I do think it's a bit peculiar to "actively dislike" primary aged children

Inmydreams88 · 01/01/2025 08:14

Mh67 · 01/01/2025 00:48

I've never said it out loud but I have no feelings whatsoever for my grandchild. She looks nothing like her dad and we never bonded she is her mother's double.

WTF? Jesus Christ.

DangerousAlchemy · 01/01/2025 22:35

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:14

Yes, i dont like them. It's sad. I wish I did. But maybe it's ok not to like everyone. Maybe I'll like them in the future.

(It is actually quite rare for me not to like people! There aren't many adults I don't like! And I like most of my children's friends)

Show quote history

But have you ever spent 3 solid days with any of your friends' kids? I bet you might not like them so much after that. I like my DN (8) in small doses. I'm very close to his Mum - my Dsis. My DN however is pretty annoying some of the time and I don't necessarily like how she chooses to parent him on occasion (she probably thought the same about my DC when she was child-free and they were younger). He does, however, have SEN so I know I need to try harder and be more patient with him but I'm peri menopausal so 🤷‍♀️ my DH doesn't really find him annoying at all. My older kids do find him irritating after a while as he's very, VERY bossy and seems to always get his own way.

LinnettdeBelleforte · 02/01/2025 10:09

If it makes you feel any better, OP, it could be a lot worse. My paternal aunt dotes on me, actually to the detriment of her own children. (This is class related, as my parents are wealthier than their family) It was always uncomfortable to be fawned over and preferred to her own daughter! I felt and still feel so bad for my cousin, and I don't see a lot of either her or my aunt now that I'm an adult.

PeachyPeachTrees · 02/01/2025 19:54

I don't like my niece or nephew. They are very extroverted, loud and must have everything their way all the time. The parents never tell them off, never consequences for bad behaviour and they are getting worse as they get older. My DCs don't like them either. I pretend I like them and am nice to them but there's no true bond between us. I'm sad about it because I had no cousins and was looking forward to my DCs having cousins.