I don't like my niece and nephews

[FeelBadAboutIt]

Is that normal?

I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable

My niece and nephews are objectively quite nice little people. They mean no harm. They r all primary school age and a little younger than my own DC. The problem is though, I don't like them!

I often hear friends rave about their niece's and nephews. Only today a friend texted me about how lovely it has been for her to spend Christmas with her niece and nephew.

But I don't feel it at all. I know I should love my niece and nephews to bits, but I just dont. In fact, I actively dislike them! (Sorry, I know that's not nice. I obviously don't let them know. I'm v nice to them, praise them, tell their parents how sweet/clever/etc.. they are....)

I obviously love my own DCs, and I like most of their friends - so it isn't a blanket dislike of all children who aren't mine! But my niece and nephews really annoy me and no, I don't enjoy spending time with them.

Anyone else?
Why is this?
Will I grow to love them and stop finding them annoying?

DB has 3 DC. The oldest two I'm moderately fond of, although we usually only see them once a year; the youngest is a pain in the neck and even my DB appears to be irritated by them. You can't force it but I'm hoping it approves as they get older.

This. What a weird OP.

I think that’s ^ very typical approach. You need to feel a connection and you often don’t especially you were not involved from the beginning or if their parents approach differs from yours.
As long as you are making reasonable effort, it’s ok. I would rather focus on cousins relationships and facilitate them.

But surely you have some insight into why you so dislike children you claim are objectively perfectly nice?

I love my nephew but he drives me to distraction. My brother was parented very differently from me and allowed to get away with things that I wasn’t. His son, my nephew, hasn’t been taught basic manners and consideration by either parent like my brother before him. It was all about my brother. Basic misogyny on my mother’s part. The lad’s mother is a barely functioning alcoholic and emotionally disregulated. She bangs on about what a wonderful lad he is and everyone loves him without giving him the tools and grounding to be a great and successful adult. Poor kid.

I don’t actively dislike any family kids but relate to preferring or just feeling more bonded to some of my friends kids. It’s just personalities at the end of the day - and you can’t choose your family! I also find the family dynamics when lots of small children are involved a bit weird, especially large families. My DD is quite reserved, total opposite to her cousins who are very confident and would take over and snatch toys but because it’s “family” no one really comments on it, any behaviour like that is sort of just laughed at or at best “share” is shouted (and ignored!) from across the room, which makes me feel strangely protective over her.

Im not close to any of my siblings kids not one of them.
Im more of big sister to my own son thats a different story.
Ive just never been that family needy person.

I have complicated feelings towards 2 DNs. They are both extremely spoilt, which has coloured things over the years. I can't say more without being outing. I'm pretty close to them, DSis2 and BIL but there's things about them that irritate me a lot and makes me want to give their parents a good shake!!

Other DSis1 and BIL - 2 DNs - don't know them. DS has chosen to cut herself off from the rest of the family, for no apparent reason. I did pull her up for disgraceful behaviour towards vulnerable DB, and she has chosen to go NC as a result. Her loss, and DNs' loss. I feel for the kids. They did know my elder two and were fond of them, but no more! Let's just say that totally innocent, quiet DB was beaten up in a burglary in his home on Christmas Eve a few years ago, and she hated him so much (for no reason, I was there during our childhood! I'm the eldest!) that she couldn't even bring herself to call him to see how he was. Total strangers were way more caring. When I called her out on it she cut us all off.

SIL, not even a 'D' in front of it. Been treated like shit by her over the years, and I don't know her adult DS at all as a result. DH barely knows him either but hell would freeze over before he acknowledged that. He has no relationship whatsoever with our children, his cousins. Nor does Dsis1's kids.

Dsis2's kids have a close relationship with ours, which even though they can be PITA, is nice!

I don't really like one sibling's kids. They're at primary school (just) and are very badly behaved. It is improving as they get older but although like you, I do all the right things, I don't like spending time with them.

I didn't really like my other sibling's kids as well. Their behaviour was fine but I struggled to connect with them. Now they're at college, it's much easier as I chat to them like grown ups and we have fun together! I just didn't know how to interact with older kids because they were born way before mine, which means I was unintentionally crap with them. In hindsight, I wish I'd been much more involved.

So, on one side I've definitely been a crap aunt and am trying to improve the situation. On the other, I'm avoiding the children as I don't want to spend time around badly behaved kids, relatives or not.

I realise my post will make me seem like an inept / hard-hearted bitch to some but I hope it's of help to OP so they can untangle their feelings and adapt their thoughts / behaviours accordingly - if appropriate.

You haven't actually said why you dont like them though

It's unusual. Love all of my niece and nephews can't relate to your feelings at all.

Yes, it’s weird.

It’s not weird that you don’t adore your nieces and nephews. And it certainly wouldn’t be weird to dislike being around them or having them around your DC if their behavior was poor. But saying you “actively dislike” them while seemingly not being willing to talk about a single reason is weird.

It does make me wonder bout your relationship with the parents or if there are old feelings relating to multiple-child dynamics in your own family of origin. Or maybe having unrealistic ideals of instant, effortless bonds that reality didn’t live up to has turned to resentment? Do you feel their parents love and put time in to relationships with your DC?

From my experience, may or may not apply: I have two SILs (they’re sisters & close in age) who both have kids. The SILs just have very different personalities and parenting styles and while I don’t have any conflict with either and can enjoy time around both, one SIL and I clicked immediately and she’s one of my best friends. All of the cousins love each other and I certainly don’t dislike any, but I do find my relationships with best-friend SIL far easier. That SIL and I are close enough for me to feel very comfortable “parenting” her DC in her absence (or even in front of her) and am happy for her to do the same. We can easily talk about things like adjustments to Christmas gift exchanges to keep cousins from comparing unfavorably, or whether a planned family outing or visit just sounds miserable maybe we reschedule. That all affects how easy my relationships with her DC are.

Why don't you like them?
What is it about them you dislike?

Nope, can’t relate. I adore my nieces and nephews. They are an extension of my siblings who I also adore.

They have grown into fun, interesting and caring adults who are good company to be around. We have a close relationship as I invested time with them when they were little.

OP, I really don't think it's obligatory to love your nephews ad nieces.

I have 14 ns&ns. It varies. Some I love like my own, some I barely see from one year to the next.

You can't help how you feel. All my siblings know I would take their dcs in if the need arose. And I try to help them all, helping to find work experience placements etc.

You are only human, and as long as your intentions are good, they would be unreasonable to expect more.

My childless sister seems to adore my brother’s son but is just disinterested in mine. I tried to address it with her by she denied it. Or said it’s because we live far away. She does not make any effort. Now even my youngest child can see it, think I’ll just not see her as much going forward. My kids are typical kids and pretty decent people but the relationship with them isn’t there I guess so time to move on. I’ll see my sis but they probably won’t want to come.

I love my bro/SILs kids - they are kind, engaging and a pleasure to spend time with.
I find my Sis/BILs kids to be painful to be around, the rudeness, whining, tantrums (in teens!!), addiction to screens means that it’s not an enjoyable time.

The difference in parenting is very evident.

Could it be they are far more like the other side of family in looks & personality & you don't recognise their traits so it's more difficult to bond with them? It's just a thought OP.

I never cared cared for my brother's two daughters. They were the worst behaved children I'd ever run across; complete brats. And yes, of course I realize that my brother and his wife are to blame, but that doesn't change the fact that I couldn't tolerate the little beasts.

They're adults now and only marginally better behaved😂

I'm not particularly close to any of my nephews and nieces because we don't live near to each other so I didn't spend a great deal of time with them when they were growing up and only see them occasionally now they're adults. I enjoy their company when I do see them though. DH's nephews and nieces are of no interest to me. We also live a long way apart and I don't have anything much in common with them. I wish them no ill but they're nothing to do with me really, they're virtually strangers
I think it's a bit odd to actively dislike nephews and nieces, or anyone else come to that, unless they have actually done something to provoke it, but I can completely understand not feeling particularly affectionate to them. There's currently a bit of angst going on in our extended family because my DD has picked friends rather than cousins to be her bridesmaids, but I am 100% on her side. I think it's totally reasonable that she wants the bridal party to be people she really shares her life with. She's not close to her cousins and that can't be forced.
I don't really get this automatic "special connection" people talk about with extended family. Of course some people are really close to cousins, aunts etc, more likely if they're geographically close and have more things in common than a bit of DNA I suppose, but not everyone has that kind of relationship. It's not right or wrong either way - it's fine to be super close to your family but also perfectly OK not to be. As long as you don't actually treat anyone badly for no reason I wouldn't lose any sleep over it OP.

It's tough. You don't choose your family, you just get what you are given and there is no guarantee that their personalities will work for you.

I have a nephew who is the absolute double of his father in personality and looks. I can't stand his father. I have to make the effort to not show my distaste when the child is being cheeky and unpleasant like he has learned from his father. It is such a shame. I won't be a bit surprised if he is a bully in school. Of course I treat him the same as the others, but I just don't like him as a person.

I dislike my nephews. I am civil, but wouldn't go out of my way to see them.

I don’t think being biologically related to people automatically means you like or love them, or that it’s compulsory to do so. It’s great if those bond naturally develop but it’s not a given. I don’t think you’re BU

Love all mine, however I like 2 and really find one irritating. She is so bloody pretentious. Would I be there for her? In a heartbeat.

I had an aunt who disliked me and my sister.
We were polite, nice children. She never said anything mean to us. But we knew. You can just tell. I still know now. So yours will know too.
I think she was actually jealous of my mum who made significant more money than her and we had a privileged life whereas she didn't. So in turn just didn't like us.