Page 7 | I don't like my niece and nephews

FeelBadAboutIt · 2024-12-27T00:20:44+00:00

Is that normal? I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable My niece and nephews are objectively quite nice little people. They mean no harm. They r all primary school age and a little younger than my own DC. The problem is though, I don't like them! I often hear friends rave about their niece's and nephews. Only today a friend texted me about how lovely it has been for her to spend Christmas with her niece and nephew. But I don't feel it at all. I know I should love my niece and nephews to bits, but I just dont. In fact, I actively dislike them! (Sorry, I know that's not nice. I obviously don't let them know. I'm v nice to them, praise them, tell their parents how sweet/clever/etc.. they are....) I obviously love my own DCs, and I like most of their friends - so it isn't a blanket dislike of all children who aren't mine! But my niece and nephews really annoy me and no, I don't enjoy spending time with them. Anyone else? Why is this? Will I grow to love them and stop finding them annoying?

wizzywig · 27/12/2024 12:14

Newname71 · 27/12/2024 07:58

I have several neices and nephews on my husbands side but most of them were in their 20’s when DH and I met. DH isn’t particularly close to any of his siblings so we’re not close to any of the N’s or N’s, it wouldn’t bother me if I never saw any of them again. I have one niece on my side. She’s 17, I adore her!! She’s autistic, selective mute with people she doesn’t know and family only get 1or 2 word answers, apart from my 17 year old DS. She will happily chat with him. They’re so different, she’s very young for her age, DS is 17 going on 45. She has one friend, DS is a social butterfly. He’s so kind and patient and knows just what level to meet her on. She absolutely blooms in his company.

Your son sounds amazing!

Original poster

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:14

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 27/12/2024 12:08

Thanks. I think this is largely how I feel. The traits they have which grate are nothing major. I just don't adore them and don't really like them that much! Im sure their school.teachera see them as perfectly nice kids though. They r good kids, just annoying (to me!)

But you said in your OP, "I actively dislike them!". That's the part that jumps out, @FeelBadAboutIt.

Yes, i dont like them. It's sad. I wish I did. But maybe it's ok not to like everyone. Maybe I'll like them in the future.

(It is actually quite rare for me not to like people! There aren't many adults I don't like! And I like most of my children's friends)

OP posts:

Tink63 · 27/12/2024 12:15

My only niece/nephew blood relation was a horrible spoilt brat but has grown up into a pleasant woman. I could not stand to be in the same room as her when she was a child, as she basically used every trick in the book to make her adoring parents do anything she wanted just to prove her power!

I would pretend and hide your dislike until they are grown!

HotBath · 27/12/2024 12:15

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:12

The reason I wrote the thread is to understand the relationship better and because I feel mean that I don't particularly like them. I was after some advice and to hear people's thoughts and understand if this is normal or not, because most people I know seem to adore their nieces and nephews.

I've just spent three days with these little people and was reflecting after they left about how I just don't seem to like them. I don't normally think about it, but as we've all just seen each other it's fresh in my mind.

You seem quite angry that I have posted. I'm sorry if I have offended you by posting. Please feel free to leave the thread, there is no need to engage with it if it's making you cross.

Show quote history

It’s just that it seems a bit weird that you feel so compelled to like them, and that you say yourself that they’re perfectly nice children. I’m pretty sure neither of my sisters particularly like my 12 year old, but that’s fine. I don’t think they’re tormenting themselves with guilt about it!

KimberleyClark · 27/12/2024 12:17

I found my DN annoying when we was smaller but he is 16 now and a fabulous young man. I love him dearly.

Original poster

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:19

HotBath · 27/12/2024 12:15

It’s just that it seems a bit weird that you feel so compelled to like them, and that you say yourself that they’re perfectly nice children. I’m pretty sure neither of my sisters particularly like my 12 year old, but that’s fine. I don’t think they’re tormenting themselves with guilt about it!

Show quote history

Thanks! That's good to know. I just felt I probably should not just like them, but kind of adore them because most people. I know seem to love their niece's and nephews to bits. I was wondering if there was something wrong or to.feel.bad about that I am not like this. I wouldn't know who to ask this to in real life (I normally ask my DH for advice but he adores his niece and nephew and I cannot tell him I really don't like them!) so it's been v helpful to ask Mumsnet!

Thanks for all the helpful replies :)

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2024 12:19

I actually blame my MIL for how I feel about my neice and nephew
I can't mention my DC without her chiming in about them and she also tries to force a relationship between us and them and my DC and them.
We all get on fine but MIL is trying to repeat the relationship she (wrongly) believes DH and SIL have with their cousins. On Xmas Day she was trying to force my DC into a relationship they just don't have, they are cordial but not close.
The only close relationship is actually between me and DH's cousin and her and our DC as they are similar ages and me and his cousin get on really well. It drives MIL mad that we meet up and the DC are in touch while they don't really care either way about their cousins. She really lost her shit when we all went on holiday together and she tried to invite the rest of the family - I said no

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2024 12:21

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 00:31

No, I'm not your sil. I am nice to my niece and nephews and try to spoil them a bit because I feel that's what I should do. I'm always complimentary about them. But it's not genuine (I'm sorry to admit).

Show quote history

But why?

There's some form of reason

TwinkleLights24 · 27/12/2024 12:22

I love my niece and nephew and treat them the same as my own child so I do find it odd you dislike them for no obvious reason.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/12/2024 12:24

Anyone else?

Sadly me @FeelBadAboutIt and I too feel very guilty as the adult in the situation but the child is unkind, rude and in general quite unpleasant

Inmydreams88 · 27/12/2024 12:24

I think it’s quite sad actually; I don’t actively dislike many people and they’d have to be a pretty fucking shitty person for me to say that about them.

Probablyshouldntsay · 27/12/2024 12:26

Same here OP. 6 nieces and nephews all in primary. My dd is in secondary.
I have no patience for squawking and fighting and constantly butting into conversations.

I love my sisters but they cannot have a conversation past 3 sentences when they are with their children because of the constant mayhem. I can’t see it improving within the next 5 years, so yeah I dislike them a little bit for it.

Original poster

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:27

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2024 12:21

But why?

There's some form of reason

Show quote history

Why? Because they are young children and they deserve to be treated well and spoilt by their aunty. They are not really bad kids in any way, and I want them to feel safe and happy in my home. I also think if I keep being kind and caring towards them, the bond might grow. I don't see them much and haven't had the opportunity to really get to know them. I genuinely would be there for them whatever, so if they don't like seeing me and one day really needed me that would be hard. If I can show them I'm here for them and care and try to be kind and friendly then if they ever needed me in the future they could feel able to come to me.

I recognise the problem is probably me. I just don't like them. But no child deserves not to be liked and all children deserve to be praised and cared for.

OP posts:

Runningribbit · 27/12/2024 12:28

Nope, not unreasonable.

I don’t understand the whole “but they’re just kids!!” thing. Everyone is different, kids have personalities and traits that may be liked be some and disliked by others. Those things might change when they’re older, they might not.

Not a big deal really.

Mulberrytree20 · 27/12/2024 12:29

People who don't get it, there's no need to shame us for voicing our opinions on the situation. Not all families are perfect. I know they are children but we don't have to like their behaviour eithet

Jellycats4life · 27/12/2024 12:31

How you feel is how you feel - nobody’s perfect. I’m sure my brother kind of dislikes my kids and the way I parented them when they were little (they are autistic with a lot of food issues) and he’s certainly never really bothered to be much of an uncle to them.

Likewise, one of my nephews is the only child of an only child and very much afflicted with Little Emperor syndrome. Family gatherings dominated by the need to ooh and aah at his latest achievements 😂 I make the right noises but eye roll inside.

SillySeal · 27/12/2024 12:31

I have several nephews. The older ones we have good bonds with, were actively involved in their lives and we adores them. The younger ones we don't see very often so do not have the same bond. On top of that they are rude, extremely loud, violent and generally not well behaved at all. So I don't particularly like them either. We fake it with pretending to be interested and always buy them birthday/ Christmas gifts but deep down i don't enjoy spending time with them. I think it comes from the lack of time spent with them and the lack of parenting they have had!

thesunisastar · 27/12/2024 12:31

Question for you OP - does your sibling recognise your DN"s behaviour can be a touch irritating, or are they oblivious?

In similar situations I have found that when the parents recognise and gently try to "steer" their children in social situations, and good humouredly acknowledge their foibles in private, it instantly softens me to the child and I am able to feel much more patient and indulgent. But when the parent is completely blind to it and considers their child to be the second coming, I am much more likely to find the child's behaviour annoying.

Cantthinkofonenow · 27/12/2024 12:36

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:12

The reason I wrote the thread is to understand the relationship better and because I feel mean that I don't particularly like them. I was after some advice and to hear people's thoughts and understand if this is normal or not, because most people I know seem to adore their nieces and nephews.

I've just spent three days with these little people and was reflecting after they left about how I just don't seem to like them. I don't normally think about it, but as we've all just seen each other it's fresh in my mind.

You seem quite angry that I have posted. I'm sorry if I have offended you by posting. Please feel free to leave the thread, there is no need to engage with it if it's making you cross.

Show quote history

I’m not cross at all, and agree with a lot of the other posters that it’s a bit weird.

Original poster

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:38

thesunisastar · 27/12/2024 12:31

Question for you OP - does your sibling recognise your DN"s behaviour can be a touch irritating, or are they oblivious?

In similar situations I have found that when the parents recognise and gently try to "steer" their children in social situations, and good humouredly acknowledge their foibles in private, it instantly softens me to the child and I am able to feel much more patient and indulgent. But when the parent is completely blind to it and considers their child to be the second coming, I am much more likely to find the child's behaviour annoying.

Oblivious! and more your latter example

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:41

Cantthinkofonenow · 27/12/2024 12:36

I’m not cross at all, and agree with a lot of the other posters that it’s a bit weird.

Show quote history

Ok, thanks. Do you have any suggestions for how I might change my weirdness and learn to love my niece and nephews? Or do you think I'm just weird and there's no helping me so I should just give up? Is calling me weird something which you think will help the situation? How so? Do you think if it's pointed out to me that I'm weird, it will be easier for me to change it in some way??' how can I do that? Thanks for any tips

OP posts:

devilspawn · 27/12/2024 12:55

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:41

Ok, thanks. Do you have any suggestions for how I might change my weirdness and learn to love my niece and nephews? Or do you think I'm just weird and there's no helping me so I should just give up? Is calling me weird something which you think will help the situation? How so? Do you think if it's pointed out to me that I'm weird, it will be easier for me to change it in some way??' how can I do that? Thanks for any tips

Show quote history

It's really impossible to give any advice, tales of past experiences, or proper answers without knowing what the trait is that you're finding annoying.

No one can even say whether you're being unreasonable or not and we're several pages in.

If the trait is that they bite people, then that's not a you problem. If the trait is that they make you feel jealous or that your kids aren't as good, that's a you problem.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2024 12:56

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:27

Why? Because they are young children and they deserve to be treated well and spoilt by their aunty. They are not really bad kids in any way, and I want them to feel safe and happy in my home. I also think if I keep being kind and caring towards them, the bond might grow. I don't see them much and haven't had the opportunity to really get to know them. I genuinely would be there for them whatever, so if they don't like seeing me and one day really needed me that would be hard. If I can show them I'm here for them and care and try to be kind and friendly then if they ever needed me in the future they could feel able to come to me.

I recognise the problem is probably me. I just don't like them. But no child deserves not to be liked and all children deserve to be praised and cared for.

Show quote history

My 'why' is WHY don't you like them?

Not knowing someone very well doesn't necessarily mean you dislike them so I was wondering about the backstory

thesunisastar · 27/12/2024 13:03

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 12:38

Oblivious! and more your latter example

Show quote history

In that case I do understand where you are coming from. Precocious children and indulgent parents are an unappealing combination, and the fact that you don't see them regularly enough to build up a deeper bond isn't going to help.

The one thing I would say is try not to put the crimes of the parent on the child - subconsciously I expect that some of your irritation comes from the fact that your sibling is expecting you to admire behaviour that is actually quite annoying. Try to separate the two.

And don't lose hope - my PFB was quite highly strung and precocious full of himself from a young child to a tween. Obviously we loved him very much but I was realistic that other adults might find him trying in large doses. He matured massively as a teen and is now objectively great company. He can still prcocaim authority on subjects he knows nothing about but is very good humoured in having the piss ripped out of him for it.

Tandora · 27/12/2024 13:03

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 11:50

Thanks. I've thought about that, but I don't think thats what Im doing. I adore my sibling and if my nephew was like my sibling a lot, I'm sure I'd adore him too. But the trait that I see most in him is the one I don't like in my sibling. Its not the one I see first in my sibling, in fact my siblings is so lovely it's very easy to look past their one and only negative trait! I would like not to see this trait in my nephew, but it is v much there. He's an only child and believes he is god's gift to the world. Maybe he will be one day but at the moment he's only 8, so I just find him a little much. He grates. He is sweet in some ways and obviously he's only little, so maybe he'll change as he gets older. Also, we don't see each other often so I haven't had opportunity to really get to know him. I will.try but maybe it's ok just to accept I don't gel.with him at the moment and know that that might change in the future.

Regarding the other niece and nephew. I just don't like them. I don't want to say the details of why here because I will sound very very mean! I do recognise they are only little, so I think it's a bit unfair to start criticising too much. I think my sil is v different from me and her children are v much like her, so I just don't know if we'll ever gel. But I do try with them. They are more down to earth than my other nephew and easier to be around, and we do see them marginally more often, so I will keep trying with their relationship. I don't know. I don't think I'm projecting. I do think people bring their children up very differently and it's likely some traits in the parent will pop up in the child...

Show quote history

Hmmm fair enough.

I guess the reason I think you might be projecting is when asked why you dislike them it was immediately “nephew has this trait like my brother” and others “are like my SIL who I don’t get on with/ is different to me” so it very much sounds like you are tying the things you dislike about them to traits you don’t like in their parents, plus making it very much about identity (eg who SIL is versus who you are).

In terms of the 8 year old, aren’t all children like this? Small children are narcissists- it’s literally how their brains work, it’s a survival thing I understand. Empathy and perspective taking, humility etc are complex cognitions that come with maturity and experience.