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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my niece and nephews

230 replies

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 00:20

Is that normal?

I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable

My niece and nephews are objectively quite nice little people. They mean no harm. They r all primary school age and a little younger than my own DC. The problem is though, I don't like them!

I often hear friends rave about their niece's and nephews. Only today a friend texted me about how lovely it has been for her to spend Christmas with her niece and nephew.

But I don't feel it at all. I know I should love my niece and nephews to bits, but I just dont. In fact, I actively dislike them! (Sorry, I know that's not nice. I obviously don't let them know. I'm v nice to them, praise them, tell their parents how sweet/clever/etc.. they are....)

I obviously love my own DCs, and I like most of their friends - so it isn't a blanket dislike of all children who aren't mine! But my niece and nephews really annoy me and no, I don't enjoy spending time with them.

Anyone else?
Why is this?
Will I grow to love them and stop finding them annoying?

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 27/12/2024 06:40

I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that your heart is two sizes too small.

Not to worry though OP - the heart is a muscle and so you can strengthen and increase it if you use it more. Or just decide that this particular connection isn't one that is very important to you.

Whatanidiot123 · 27/12/2024 06:46

I loved my sisters kids so much - I was young and child free when they were little. I babysat, and was involved. I felt lots of love for my brother’s children too. I would have described myself as someone who loved kids generally so I felt the same about any close friend’s children - I’d be the one with a kid on my lap, a treat for them, playing a game etc.

Then I had my own kids and it put me off kids entirely. I find it hard to be interested in any other kids now. I still love my nieces and nephews but it’s not the same.

Thesystemisbroken · 27/12/2024 06:55

My dB and dsil don't see my kids often (live in different countries). When we see them my dB plays with my kids to the point they are beyond excited and then wants them to immediately be calm so he can play an adults board game with his wife for example. I've watched my youngest try to engage dsil and get nothing in response. I think they're not 'kid' people and I think they think I'm a crap parent. This Christmas was the last I'll spend with them. I spent the entire day stressed and trying to police two kids who were just excited.

I get what you're saying but just be careful as you may not be hiding your feelings as well as you think.

Foxingday · 27/12/2024 06:56

I have 6 nieces and nephews, 3 of which I love very much and the others I couldn’t care less if I ever saw again. My SILs are the same with mine, 1 of them really couldn’t care less if she ever saw my daughter again, they’ve never really had any bond and now my daughter is older she finds SIL annoying and I think SIL thinks the same about DD. I don’t think being family necessarily means you have to like the people you’re related to.

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 06:57

Miffylou · 27/12/2024 05:26

I would understand if you said you don't feel a huge bond with them, but your OP says you "don’t like them". Yet you also say they are objectively quite nice. So what is it you don’t like? I don’t understand. Disliking children for no particular reason seems odd.

You say your niece pulls your DD's hair and screams at her. Really? Often? If so, how can she be "objectively nice"? Or are you just talking about one incident, a children's argument?

That was a different poster who mentioned about hair pulling. Not me!

OP posts:
Kehlani · 27/12/2024 06:59

Whatanidiot123 · 27/12/2024 06:46

I loved my sisters kids so much - I was young and child free when they were little. I babysat, and was involved. I felt lots of love for my brother’s children too. I would have described myself as someone who loved kids generally so I felt the same about any close friend’s children - I’d be the one with a kid on my lap, a treat for them, playing a game etc.

Then I had my own kids and it put me off kids entirely. I find it hard to be interested in any other kids now. I still love my nieces and nephews but it’s not the same.

😳

How are they with your kids?

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:00

SardinesOnGingerbread · 27/12/2024 06:37

I'm going to join you in the 'nasty' corner, OP. Like you, I try to be kind and complimentary about some of my nieces (my sister and brother's kids are lovely, but my SiLs are a little more of a challenge to me), but I find it hard. The littler one will quite literally shriek in my face 'Look at mee, look at meeee' absolutely on repeat whilst she performs various antics. Neither of her parents seem to feel any compunction to tell her to quieten down a bit. She appears to need extremely frequent attention from the whole table at meals and has killer sulks if at all curbed. I don't think you're nasty
You're being well behaved in the face of something that's challenging you, and you're looking for understanding about why you feel this way. You'll always get people at the ready to make a shitty comment on here.

Show quote history

Thanks

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 27/12/2024 07:01

I don’t like my 2 nephews (DH’s brother and SIL’s children) because their parents are extremely annoying, I don’t like them at all. They’re users, takers and just mean people and because of that, it’s like I extend the way I feel to their children though don’t show this, even to them, I’m civil and nice when we’re together.
I like my 3 other nieces because I like their parents.

Sparklehead · 27/12/2024 07:01

I think if you all live far away from each other and only see each other a couple of times a year, it can be hard to form a bond and sounds like you just don’t know them that well. You might find your siblings feel similarly about your kids? I have lots of nieces and nephews but the ones I’m closest to are the ones that live close by. They’ve grown up alongside my children and I’ve had lots of time to interact with them. The other nieces and nephews are all nice people, and I enjoy when I see them but might be only once a year and therefore it’s a very different and naturally less close relationship that we have.

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:02

Whatanidiot123 · 27/12/2024 06:46

I loved my sisters kids so much - I was young and child free when they were little. I babysat, and was involved. I felt lots of love for my brother’s children too. I would have described myself as someone who loved kids generally so I felt the same about any close friend’s children - I’d be the one with a kid on my lap, a treat for them, playing a game etc.

Then I had my own kids and it put me off kids entirely. I find it hard to be interested in any other kids now. I still love my nieces and nephews but it’s not the same.

That's interesting. Most of the people I know that adore their nieces and nephews don't have their own children. However, we do have friends with children whom seem to love their niece's and nephews.

OP posts:
tamade · 27/12/2024 07:03

Carry on as you are, fake it 'til you make it ( or don't) and don't judge yourself

Jifmicroliquid · 27/12/2024 07:06

I feel similarly about a close friends child. There’s no other word for it but she’s a brat and her behaviour at times is awful. I can’t bear to be around her for long. I do love her, I just don’t like her behaviour. Some of her behaviour over Christmas has been shocking.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 07:08

I only have a couple of nephews and nieces, there is one that I really struggle to like. Can't put my finger on why, and I think I am always friendly and interested in what he is doing when we meet. But there it is, he isn't my cup of tea.

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:09

Sparklehead · 27/12/2024 07:01

I think if you all live far away from each other and only see each other a couple of times a year, it can be hard to form a bond and sounds like you just don’t know them that well. You might find your siblings feel similarly about your kids? I have lots of nieces and nephews but the ones I’m closest to are the ones that live close by. They’ve grown up alongside my children and I’ve had lots of time to interact with them. The other nieces and nephews are all nice people, and I enjoy when I see them but might be only once a year and therefore it’s a very different and naturally less close relationship that we have.

Yeah, my niece and nephews parents don't seem to talk to my children or really interact much when they see them. I don't think they get them. I probably have a better rapport with my niece and nephews than their parents have with my children to be honest! I'd not really thought about it. Though I do largely fake it because these are kids and I want them to feel happy when they see me and to enjoy themselves and feel welcome etc... I'd hate them to feel disliked. They r only young.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:11

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 07:08

I only have a couple of nephews and nieces, there is one that I really struggle to like. Can't put my finger on why, and I think I am always friendly and interested in what he is doing when we meet. But there it is, he isn't my cup of tea.

Yes, I think it's this. It would be nice if one of the three was my cup of tea though!! Maybe in time
..

OP posts:
Kehlani · 27/12/2024 07:11

SardinesOnGingerbread · 27/12/2024 06:37

I'm going to join you in the 'nasty' corner, OP. Like you, I try to be kind and complimentary about some of my nieces (my sister and brother's kids are lovely, but my SiLs are a little more of a challenge to me), but I find it hard. The littler one will quite literally shriek in my face 'Look at mee, look at meeee' absolutely on repeat whilst she performs various antics. Neither of her parents seem to feel any compunction to tell her to quieten down a bit. She appears to need extremely frequent attention from the whole table at meals and has killer sulks if at all curbed. I don't think you're nasty
You're being well behaved in the face of something that's challenging you, and you're looking for understanding about why you feel this way. You'll always get people at the ready to make a shitty comment on here.

Show quote history

Your situation is different to OP’s.

OP says they’re nice little kids who she only sees once a year.

It’s totally fine to not love other people’s children but I’m not sure why you think OP should be justified to have a ‘nasty’ corner. I don’t even think OP is being nasty but I’m not sure why she is thanking you for the nasty corner support.

It’s all very bizarre.

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:12

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 06:59

😳

How are they with your kids?

Show quote history

All the kids get along v well..

OP posts:
AsTheLightFades · 27/12/2024 07:13

It isn't compulsory to like anyone in your family, child or adult!

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 07:14

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:09

Yeah, my niece and nephews parents don't seem to talk to my children or really interact much when they see them. I don't think they get them. I probably have a better rapport with my niece and nephews than their parents have with my children to be honest! I'd not really thought about it. Though I do largely fake it because these are kids and I want them to feel happy when they see me and to enjoy themselves and feel welcome etc... I'd hate them to feel disliked. They r only young.

Show quote history

I think it’s this actually. The parents don’t interact with your kids so then you wonder why you should like theirs.

It’s a natural reaction. As you see each other once a year it doesn’t really matter though.

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 07:15

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:12

All the kids get along v well..

Show quote history

No I meant how are your siblings with your kids?

Whohasnickedthesellotape · 27/12/2024 07:15

We used to holiday together, Xmas etc with my Dneices and nephews when they were all younger but contact has become very transactional as they grew up. Now mid 20s we rarely hear from them as they're leading their own lives and we haven't seen them in person since a family funeral 3 years ago. We usually send money in birthday/xmas cards but I think unless we hear from them over the Xmas break we'll stop as we never get any response.

buttonousmaximous · 27/12/2024 07:15

If you only see them a couple times a year the.n it's understandable you are not b that close

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 07:16

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 07:11

Your situation is different to OP’s.

OP says they’re nice little kids who she only sees once a year.

It’s totally fine to not love other people’s children but I’m not sure why you think OP should be justified to have a ‘nasty’ corner. I don’t even think OP is being nasty but I’m not sure why she is thanking you for the nasty corner support.

It’s all very bizarre.

Show quote history

I think the poster was implying they are someone that might also be called nasty by canthinkofonenow. The poster was sharing their experience with me which was kind, and appearing to stick up for me in the face of someone calling me nasty, which I appreciated.

OP posts:
Twilightstarbright · 27/12/2024 07:18

I can relate OP. If a gun was at my head I couldn’t say I liked my niece because I just don’t know her. Without being massively outing, SIL and BIL are expats and my nephews went to an international school so speak English. Due to Covid I didn’t meet niece until she was almost 4, and it’s really hard as we FaceTime but she doesn’t speak English at all and despite SIL being half English she says she’s not going to teach her it. DH feels the same and doesn’t speak the language either beyond hello and goodbye. He’s told his sister it’ll impact the relationship between our children but since she’s got second and third cousins on her doorstep she doesn’t care. Makes me so sad.

MIL has told us that she doesn’t like our DS- concedes he’s a nice child but she thinks his interests and topics of conversation are boring (he’s 8). So yeah…

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 27/12/2024 07:19

Not really.......I dont like my nieces either. They both have a mean streak and from a very young age would say cruel things to people with a smirk on their face because they knew they were being hurtful. Not in a kids putting their foot in it way, but from pure spite.

Don't like them. And that's fine. They're easily avoided.