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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't like my niece and nephews

230 replies

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 00:20

Is that normal?

I'm pretty sure it's unreasonable

My niece and nephews are objectively quite nice little people. They mean no harm. They r all primary school age and a little younger than my own DC. The problem is though, I don't like them!

I often hear friends rave about their niece's and nephews. Only today a friend texted me about how lovely it has been for her to spend Christmas with her niece and nephew.

But I don't feel it at all. I know I should love my niece and nephews to bits, but I just dont. In fact, I actively dislike them! (Sorry, I know that's not nice. I obviously don't let them know. I'm v nice to them, praise them, tell their parents how sweet/clever/etc.. they are....)

I obviously love my own DCs, and I like most of their friends - so it isn't a blanket dislike of all children who aren't mine! But my niece and nephews really annoy me and no, I don't enjoy spending time with them.

Anyone else?
Why is this?
Will I grow to love them and stop finding them annoying?

OP posts:
EdithBond · 27/12/2024 02:33

IMHO it’s a bit strange to dislike kids. Why do you dislike them?

snowbootsandchocate · 27/12/2024 02:41

theduchessofspork · 27/12/2024 00:22

I don’t think loving your nieces and nephews is automatic or compulsory. Just have minimal contact and be nice - they might get less annoying as they get bigger

This. My nephew is a nightmare as his parents let him get away with everything.

I actively avoid them

BitterAndTwistedClub · 27/12/2024 02:43

I have several nieces who were the most obnoxious and badly behaved children ever encountered. They have grown up to be obnoxious adults! I have always disliked them intensely. Mind you their parents are exactly the same. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to like them. Those who say they can’t understand this come across as slightly smug!

StevieNic · 27/12/2024 02:46

I don’t dislike my niece but when she was born I was surprised to find I felt nothing more for her than I did for any random baby. I feel a bit guilty as I have to fake the ‘oh how cute! She’s adorable!’. I thought I would feel more of a connection but I suppose that’s not always the case?

CheriCheriLady · 27/12/2024 02:52

Do you like their parents?

BoopityBoop · 27/12/2024 03:04

There's nothing wrong with it but as parents, we can always tell whether you think we can or not.

marmia1234 · 27/12/2024 03:08

I have a DN who although was sweet and charming their entire life, they have been so incredible spoiled and cosseted by my sister that they are so self-absorbed that it's hard to spend much time with them, before your head explodes. "Here's photos of me in Greece, and France, and Noumea and on and on until you want to throw the phone in the pool." Some people are just not well-raised and are a complete PITA. Related or not.. A lot of people on here seem to be LC or NC with a relative or two. As, they say you can't choose your family.

PreferMyAnimals · 27/12/2024 03:18

You say other people seem to love their nieces and nephews, but maybe more of them feel like you than you think? Maybe they are saying all the right things and doing the right thing by the kids, but don't feel it?

HoundsOfHelfire · 27/12/2024 03:23

Why don’t you love them? What do you dislike about them?

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/12/2024 03:55

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 00:50

I think it's very odd to actively dislike small children when you've said that they are objectively nice little people. So it's not because of bad behaviour. Do you normally actively dislike people for no reason?

I don’t think it’s weird. People don’t have to be nasty for you to not warm to them. Some people might just annoy you for no discernible reason while not doing anything objectively wrong. Can apply to children and adults. It’s not compulsory to like everyone.

Butterbean21 · 27/12/2024 04:20

I get it. My DH has a nephew and niece and I really had to fake it to spend time with them when they were younger. They were quite rude and kids who loved to show off. His nephew would hit other kids, hide under tables if he didn't get his way, never said please or thank you and I just found him quite unpleasant and his parents never intervened in any poor behaviour. Things are getting better now he is moving up through school and I actually quite enjoy my niece now but it certainly didn't come easily.

Kehlani · 27/12/2024 04:48

You’ve not said why you don’t like them?

My nieces and nephews were great as children and are growing up to be lovely people. I love them a lot and spend time with them (without their parents too).

I’m not as close to DH’s nieces and nephews as they live far away but I still like them.

Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 05:02

pizzaHeart · 27/12/2024 01:05

I think that’s ^ very typical approach. You need to feel a connection and you often don’t especially you were not involved from the beginning or if their parents approach differs from yours.
As long as you are making reasonable effort, it’s ok. I would rather focus on cousins relationships and facilitate them.

Show quote history

Thanks. Yeah, I don't see them often.

I have seen them all this Christmas but probably won't see them now til.next Christmas or maybe once in the summer. (It's no-ones fault, we just all live hundreds of miles from each other which makes meeting up hard).

Perhaps I just haven't seen them enough to actually get to.know them properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 05:12

Pieceofpurplesky · 27/12/2024 02:14

Love all mine, however I like 2 and really find one irritating. She is so bloody pretentious. Would I be there for her? In a heartbeat.

Thanks! I would absolutely be there for all of them if they ever needed anything.

I do think one of my DNs is a little pretentious, so that probably plays into things. He is only young though so I feel mean saying that because he's got loads of positives to his character too, and he's generally a nice, good kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 05:13

Butterbean21 · 27/12/2024 04:20

I get it. My DH has a nephew and niece and I really had to fake it to spend time with them when they were younger. They were quite rude and kids who loved to show off. His nephew would hit other kids, hide under tables if he didn't get his way, never said please or thank you and I just found him quite unpleasant and his parents never intervened in any poor behaviour. Things are getting better now he is moving up through school and I actually quite enjoy my niece now but it certainly didn't come easily.

Thanks that's helpful

OP posts:
Kehlani · 27/12/2024 05:16

FeelBadAboutIt · 27/12/2024 05:02

Thanks. Yeah, I don't see them often.

I have seen them all this Christmas but probably won't see them now til.next Christmas or maybe once in the summer. (It's no-ones fault, we just all live hundreds of miles from each other which makes meeting up hard).

Perhaps I just haven't seen them enough to actually get to.know them properly.

Show quote history

You only see your nieces and nephews once a year and then wonder why you have no relationship?

It’s no one’s fault, it’s just life and distance.

Why are you even worried about this? I doubt your sibling is worrying.

AnneButNotHathaway · 27/12/2024 05:24

It's totally fine, you don't need to love someone just because they are family. It means nothing, you didn't choose them to be your family. Just be cordial and that would be it.

Miffylou · 27/12/2024 05:26

I would understand if you said you don't feel a huge bond with them, but your OP says you "don’t like them". Yet you also say they are objectively quite nice. So what is it you don’t like? I don’t understand. Disliking children for no particular reason seems odd.

You say your niece pulls your DD's hair and screams at her. Really? Often? If so, how can she be "objectively nice"? Or are you just talking about one incident, a children's argument?

Putdownthatglassgotoyoga · 27/12/2024 05:31

It's fine not to like them as long as you don't turn into one of those people who bitch and moan about not being included as there's no special connection once they are older (weddings, Christmas, special occasions etc). They barely see you and have other friends and family so it's not like you have an important or irreplaceable role in their lives.

renthead · 27/12/2024 05:34

I don't think it's strange to dislike certain DNs, but it seems odd to dislike all your DNs when they have different parents and are even from different sides of the family. That suggests it's more to do with you than with them.

Lesina · 27/12/2024 06:04

I don’t dislike my niece and nephew, I am ambivalent to them. I don’t think you automatically love your extended family.

PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2024 06:20

I do feel a special link to my nieces and nephews but that's separate from the actual relationship. The relationship itself, while they're children, is really up to the parents to facilitate most of all. If your siblings don't make the effort to see you, or if you don't get on, you're not going to get to know young children as individuals.

I feel closest to the n's where I'm closest to the parents. My BIL's children are wonderful kids but I hate BIL and if I never see him again it would be too soon, so a couple of years ago I accepted I'll never have a relationship with the kids either. We made a lot of effort to see them all when the kids were little but looking back it was very one-sided.

Agapornis · 27/12/2024 06:31

My sister is an obnoxious, rude, self-obsessed twat. She's raising her two kids to become much like her. Any contact is very one-sided and transactional. I'll still be nice to them and get them gifts they like, but that's it. Blood isn't thicker than water for me!

Yams17 · 27/12/2024 06:34

I think it's fine. It sounds like you're trying not to let your feelings affect how you treat them which is the really important thing. Acknowledging it to yourself probably feels awful, but is important so you can try and make sure you are not acting out with them unintentionally.

I've got a neice and nephew (from my DSiL) im not always 100% sold on, especially now that I have kids too. I don't think it's really anything about them per se. Its a mix of the fact they live far so we don't see them enough to build a better relationship/ they're brought up in a way that I'd consider a bit babyish and spolit/ they're just kids going through their own personality growth. I definitely still love them and want them to be happy, but I just don't have that "aren't they awesome" gushing feeling about them all the time.

I had same with some cousins growing up, and honestly now we're grown ups it's surprisingly nice seeing them at weddings etc.

The key thing for me is to be aware of my feelings and keep then under control as best as possible without getting into silly emotional guilt about it.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 27/12/2024 06:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm going to join you in the 'nasty' corner, OP. Like you, I try to be kind and complimentary about some of my nieces (my sister and brother's kids are lovely, but my SiLs are a little more of a challenge to me), but I find it hard. The littler one will quite literally shriek in my face 'Look at mee, look at meeee' absolutely on repeat whilst she performs various antics. Neither of her parents seem to feel any compunction to tell her to quieten down a bit. She appears to need extremely frequent attention from the whole table at meals and has killer sulks if at all curbed. I don't think you're nasty
You're being well behaved in the face of something that's challenging you, and you're looking for understanding about why you feel this way. You'll always get people at the ready to make a shitty comment on here.