To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

See I HATE Bluey and I often think there might be a connection there. I know a lot of people love it.

I think the problem is his play so quickly becomes destructive. So while I was typing I had to tell him not to sit on a dolls house as it would break. That sort of thing is just constant and frustrating and I’m sure it’s frustrating for us both.

But this is how lots of children play. Empty things out, collect everything to just put in a heap on the floor etc.

Do you interact with him whilst he is playing with it? Or is he just left to it?

It’s the same here. Too many toys!

It’s overwhelming. And it’s me buying them.

Think I’ve finally learned, after four years…

We have good toys, it’s just volume.

That’s reassuring as I do worry it’s a sign something isn’t quite right.

It sounds like you just leave him to it with the toys and then he makes a big mess which you then come back and try to tidy up? Is that right?

I think if so he probably associates the toys with you leaving him on his own and making a mess with getting attention.

I think you do need to play with him a bit more. 4 is quite young to just get on with it. As I saw you weren't sure how to, here's how I would do it

With say the ice cream cart, which is a toy we also had, what I would do is pretend to be a customer and ask for what I wanted. I would be silly about it and put on different personas like grumpy old lady or indecisive toddler.

With trainset - I would make it with him, put down one track and say "should it go this way or this way?" "Can you find me a curvy piece?" And then "oh Thomas is going to the station now to pick up the toys for the children" or whatever

Does he like physical things? Play doh, sand tray, etc?

OP just get a couple of cars and act out a (kid appropriate) violent action movie with him with them fighting and falling off cliffs and saving each other. They're not critical. Give him ten focussed minutes and then let him carry it on alone and repeat.

Seriously!

I was just thinking how fun a toy ice cream van sounds. 🥺

Limit how much he has access to at any given time, it can be so overwhelming too many things at once. Toy rotation! Something simple without lots of pieces but is interesting and stimulating, magnetic tiles are genuinely one of our most used toys, I don’t find play always comes super naturally to me but I can build a tower/castle! Kinetic sand, puzzles, drawing materials all occupy my 4 year old.

@giveupontoys Totally relate, my 4yo is the same. Loves assembling toys (and furniture), but no real “play” in him. Don’t know why people are blaming your parenting, it’s just how they are.

My 4yo will do cutting and colouring and other than that, he potters about the house driving me mad touching and fiddling with everything he shouldn’t, so like you we are always out. We had presents such as a torch, walkie talkie and then just outdoor stuff.

It’s really fine, OP. I think you sound like a great parent taking him out so much for the things he really enjoys. Not all kids enjoy imaginative play at that age and it’s not a problem. Things like motor skills can be developed in other ways.

DD2 (2.5) loves her new ice cream set, she's been playing with non-stop since yesterday. We have to keep coming back to her shop to get increasingly elaborate cones 

The tipping everything out is just how kids operate. It would be very unusual to have a child of that age who doesn't like to play. When you say you don't know how to play, what is it you mean? Have you never seen children playing? Have you never played as a child yourself? Have you ever been to toddler and child groups and seen children playing with each other? Play doesn't have to be with toys, it can be imaginative play with you. DD's' favourite games are when DH or I pretend to be weird things like a wild octopus or a malfunctioning robot. Do you do any stuff like that?

The book Playful Parenting might be a good start. Play is so important for young children.

I played with my farm set and Noah's Ark, took all my soft toys in my dolls' pram, had the basic Lego available then. Cardboard box made a dolls' house. Got cars of various sizes.

for me it was art books and colouring when younger, then researching and conspiracy's etc

My most neuro-diverse child doesn't play.

This was also my question.
If you don’t interact and play with him, he won’t know off the bat how to play with these things. They learn by copying initially, then know how to play independently.

Maybe toys that don’t have to be played with as a set? So then your aren’t worried about pieces getting lost.

For example my 4 year old likes magnetiles. They are just in a basket all mixed up, no rules. Do they can build anything. No tiny pieces either

Things my active 4 year old likes indoors:
Magnatiles
kinetic sand
watercolour paints and paper
’adventure kit’ - we have a mix of torches, compass, binoculars, meter sticks, tape measure, plasters in box, old calpol syringes as medical part. All in a rucksack he plays ‘hiking’.
‘tool kit’ - again mixed. Bosch toy tools, brio do a building set with screws etc. he often used the adventure stuff with it.

Playmobil he recently has taken a liking too also.

It seems trains, trucks, vans etc aren't his thing. He might get into them later. But there must be some toys he likes? Teddies, dolls, figures etc?
Or arts and crafts kind of stuff? Dressing up?

If he can still entertain himself without traditional shop bought toys then I guess that's good. But most kids if they went to a toy shop would fine a few things they like.

Eurgh. Nothing wrong with that toy. Everything wrong with you calling it a shit toy though.

OP my nephew was similar, had very little interest in toys, my DD is the same but she is much younger.

I am in no way suggesting your DC may be ND but I do recall answering a question about play style that my children had and one of them was whether they climb excessively.

My DSIS got her son some soft play and he climbed on that rather than the furniture!

I understand, my boy was much the same and toys were so frustrating to have around because they were discarded or destroyed. Even sensory toys that are apparently things he needs, he didn't play with them in the way they were designed for.

It's fine not to have toys if he's not bored. I imagine he is exposed to plenty of toys at preschool, so just communicate with them and find out if anything starts to attract him so you can also try it at home.

I love the Montessori approach - my friend has a child in a proper Montessori nursery and they really encourage using nature and he can play really well with random things like a couple of sticks, and isn't as interested in toys (think he's neurotypical too.)

I found that my children played best with things that I was willing to engage with as well. So we had lots of board games, because I am happy to play those (Orchard Toys are fab); jigsaws; craft; books. All things I was gappy to spend time with them on the floor doing. Also, for us, Duplo (then Lego); Playmobil; a Brio track; cars and a car mat; wooden blocks - again, because I am willing to spend time setting up Brio layouts or building Duplo rickets or playing out different scenarios on the car mat.

Usually, what I was modelling was ‘parallel play’ - ‘I’m making a snake out of Playdough, what are you making? / My train is picking up passengers from the station, where is it going next?’ because I found what my children initially needed was modelling of ‘what play looked like with this type of toy’. It was something that once they gad had modelled they could get engrossed in, but I did gave to put effort in up front. If you are modelling ‘baffled’ with no constructive alternative, no wonder yoyr child us struggling to play in any way other than ‘baffled’

Emptying toys out on the floor is pretty normal for a 4 year old, you can't necessarily expect him to play "neatly" at this age but the lack of any creative or imaginative play is concerning - what happens if you sit down with him and get him started on the duplo for example? Sounds like vehicles just arent his thing - what about toy animals? a toolbox? a farm? baby dolls? or if he likes physical activity indoor mats/gymnastics type stuff, would he play "lava" on the sofa cushions? All kids need some down time, sounds like his life is very structured, I don't think you're helping him in the long run to be honest.

Thanks, I do appreciate the replies. What I have realised as I’m typing is I’m just so much better with stereotypical ‘girl’ toys than boys: I’ve no problem taking baby for a walk in a toy pram but he isn’t interested and I’m lost with cars! I’ve tried with tractors and farms, need to try that a bit. He likes a YouTube channel called kid crew which actually has good ideas for outdoor play but unfortunately they are based in a massive farm in America and I am not!

It isn’t just the mess, you can clear up mess, its the problem that things end unable to be used because of broken or missing pieces.

I’ve played non-stop with my eldest and he just is not interested. My youngest will play forever. Some kids just don’t, it’s not always the parenting