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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just … not have toys?

453 replies

giveupontoys · 26/12/2024 17:21

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
AllTheChaos · 27/12/2024 21:03

Oh goodness, I feel your pain, Op. I found that age incredibly hard. My DD would play, but not alone, and playing with a young child is BORING! I would literally be so bored I would fall asleep! It’s easier once they start having proper play dates with other children, as they can play together. If they end up being a bookworm you are on to an absolute winner (mine is not a reader, alas). Hopefully he will be old enough for board games / card games etc soon, at which point entertaining them becomes less brain-achingly dull.
And yes, I know that there are some people out there who enjoy playing with little children. I am not one of those people, and I loathed it.

SlipperyFish11 · 27/12/2024 21:06

giveupontoys · 26/12/2024 18:58

I think if he was non verbal at 4 we’d agree something was amiss. Yes, he’s verbal, nursery always positive about him.

It probably is me stressing about mess too much. But it’s because I know it can take hours to clear up if he really messes up.

Both myself and my son are autistic and are verbal. I am about to complete my second degree whereas my son has an EHCP and a very different school experience to me. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Everyone who is ND is different.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2024 21:34

SlipperyFish11 · 27/12/2024 21:06

Both myself and my son are autistic and are verbal. I am about to complete my second degree whereas my son has an EHCP and a very different school experience to me. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Everyone who is ND is different.

I asked if he was verbal because I'd also then asked about what he communicated around just tipping the toys out and walking off. Being able to ask what toys he wants to play with etc. dD was not fully verbal at 4 so it was a very different experience to my twins who were

LambBot · 27/12/2024 21:37

It is not unusual. My son doesn't like toys. He liked outdoor stuff like trampoline and climbing frame. Would build giant cardboard forts on the patio We would do a lot of outdoor activities in the bush, and park. He loves to rearrange furniture!!! He is bit older now and is all about sport. Can spend hours playing sports either with friends or “training” alone with his own made up training program. Gifts are much easier for family to get as he just wants sports kit nowadays

Gogogo12345 · 27/12/2024 21:45

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 20:31

Of course adults have the inclination to sit and play with pre schoolers! I spent hours and hours on the floor with my daughter when she was little playing with her and her little tykes toys, Sylvanians, tinkle tots, baking pretend pies on her cooker, and being bandaged and injected constantly with the doctor's kit. She didn't go to nursery because it was my job to stimulate her and teach her how to use her imagination.

Mightve been for you but not everyone likes to play with preschoolers. I certainly didn't have the inclination to do so.

Squarecobra · 27/12/2024 22:02

giveupontoys · 26/12/2024 18:12

I’ve tried toy rotation before but it’s hard finding places to hide them and to be honest I just tend to forget about them if they are out of sight!

We probably do need a big declutter, he is a December birthday so we get a load of presents then of course Christmas.

Problem with the emptying things out is you try to get him to put them back and he just refuses or walks off and it ends up getting difficult. (I have another child who loves putting things back so I don’t think it’s me.)

Admittedly, I’ve only skimmed the posts so don’t know if anyone else has said the same/similar.

I work in a SEND school, currently with children aged 7-11. We use continuous provision so that there is always something available should the child/children choose to play. Some of this will be sensory (flour, water, gloop, etc) and some puzzles, etc. In addition we model playing with our children as many have never learned how to play. It can be intimidating feeling embarrassed by the play but if you start small and build up, it helps. Take a single vehicle and make engine noises while you’re moving it along the floor. When it comes to stopping, exaggerate a skidding noise or crash it into other vehicles and make a big kablooey noise.

When he tips his toys out, don’t speak to him (some children thrive on any verbal feedback, positive or negative), just approach him and take his hand then guide him to the mess and using his hand, pick up toys and put them back where they belong. We have a young man who excels at tipping toys out but he’s learning if he tips them out, he looses some of his leisure time clearing things away.

It is a long process and you shouldn’t feel disheartened if it doesn’t happen instantly. He’s still learning how to play and if you prefer a pram to a car, run it around the garden or a large room making car noises and he might become more interested in prams as well.

converseandjeans · 27/12/2024 22:03

@Growlybear83

She didn't go to nursery because it was my job to stimulate her and teach her how to use her imagination.

Well that's great for you but I don't know many friends who wanted to sit & play imaginary games. I think nursery is great for little ones & presumably lots of other people do.

Even if I had wanted to sit and play Happyland DS would have lasted about 10 minutes before he got bored. He was better off once he could have play dates & go to toddler sessions with other children.

It seems like you are assuming OP isn't putting the effort in & you think that children not enjoying toys is because parents are too lazy to get down on the floor & play alongside them.

converseandjeans · 27/12/2024 22:05

@LambBot

We are in the same boat. Thank goodness for organised team sports 😅

Lilywc · 27/12/2024 22:38

Do YOU Interact with him? Play with him & his toys ?
or is he left to his own devices? If he’s an only child as his parents you need to help him out here

angela1952 · 27/12/2024 22:43

giveupontoys · 26/12/2024 17:48

It’s a wooden Melissa and Doug one - no idea why it attracted ire!

There are loads of great Melissa and Doug toys, my GS loves the garage and the transporter. If you could find a toyshop that sold the range you could go there and see what else he likes, they'd probably sell other good toys too. I'm sure he does play with toys at his playschool really, perhaps you could stay and watch him to see?

Imisschocolate17 · 27/12/2024 23:15

Have you looked at Montessori style toys for inside, eg. balance board, frames etc??

My DC used to climb the walls, walk along the radiators, scale the doors etc, they needed physical active toys for inside.

CatsMagic · 27/12/2024 23:38

giveupontoys · 26/12/2024 20:29

I did and all the parts got lost again so I admitted defeat.

The point of the ice cream thing is lost if there’s no ice cream, otherwise it’s literally a bench thing that isn’t played with. But tbh I feel like everyone’s honed in on that one example, and it’s much bigger than that. So another example - we had a throw on the sofa. DS was constantly chucking it on the floor and it was getting dirty and made the house look a mess. So I put it away. And that thing is like some sort of mythological creature that emerges constantly to haunt me. Half the time I don’t know where it is and DS finds it. I do not know how. I just actually lost my shit over it because it was crumped at the bottom of the stairs AGAIN, so it is in the bin, with the ice cream set and I do not care who is judging, come and bloody clean it up yourselves then.

It isn’t important. If he doesn’t like toys then he doesn’t like toys, he’ll outgrow them all soon enough anyway.

OP this is so sad to read.

Your son is 4. He has many many years of being a child and playing with toys ahead of him!

I’m going to be direct with you now OP so brace yourself for some tough love!

2 things which stand out to me are:

1 YOU are making playtime sound very stressful and difficult- it’s no wonder your DS doesn’t want to play with toys with you. You need to calm down with the constant need to tidy things away, and stop obsessing about keeping toy sets strictly together. Real life is messy and you will find life much easier if you can learn to accept that mess doesn’t mean bad parenting.

2 I think you need to reset your expectations for your DS- children develop at their own pace, and it may be that his toys are too old for him, go back to basics with his toys and get him simpler things to play with , ie duplo blocks, Dino figures, wooden doll house with a few small chunky figures, sticklebricks, stacking cups and cubes. also - lots of finger painting stuff, and crayons /colouring bits. And most importantly-you need to play with him.

My DS has ASD and he has always played - it looked a bit different to how other children his age played but we would play together for hours and hours and it was bloody marvellous! We are all different and not enjoying play does not make you a bad parent, but you sound like you don’t enjoy your son’s company and not addressing that is not fair on your son.

KittensSchmittens · 28/12/2024 06:25

One of my boys never really enjoyed imaginative toys, he liked:

Ride ons
Trampoline
Outdoor sports - basketball, football etc.
Nerf guns
Arts and crafts
Playing outside with other children - this is where he would do imaginative play.

He's very physical and extroverted and much happier out in the park looking for other children to play with than being at home. He's big now and still the same.

KiriG · 28/12/2024 08:39

Dumping lit if a kind of play - you can encourage this in ways that won’t break toys - use beads:blocks or set up an area with a tray and sand/rice and big scoops and small boxes to fill and dump. Mine likes a recycling/rubbish lorry with this.

Let him dump toys where it’s safe but encourage putting them back to do it again and ultimately to tidy.

Play schemes often involve the same kind of play with all toys, eg throwing them, and this can be redirected to balls, making paper aeroplanes wtc

Follow what and how your child wants to
okay and provide activities they can do that with Safely and without breaking things or making too much mess (personally I’ve used rice trays a lot and don’t mind the clean up because so much learning and fun goes in)

H34th · 28/12/2024 09:05

You say you are a bookish household... There's so many books on play linked to child development. Have a read and go from there.

You might change his toys, you might reduce them but you must give your child the opportunity to learn through play. And don't just leave him alone with a toy but be a positive presence.

JJMama · 28/12/2024 09:28

It’s sad you say you find him “difficult cooped up” but then say you don’t know how to play with him. It’s literally the easiest thing to play with young children - did you not play yourself as a youngster?

Can his sibling not play with him? Are there other issues going on here? My children played together and separately (they liked different toys), and I often played with them on the floor, and board games at the table.

My eldest was very lively so we’d often do a trip to the park in the mornings and then back home for lunch and they’d play together. Sometimes we’d watch tv together and we always read books at night. You must engage with your children. Pre school clearly do this, and that’s why he has no problem there. You need to allow him to play his way, and not get stressed about mess or losing pieces - they’re children! It sounds like your anxiety is causing him to become stunted and unable to relax at home.

converseandjeans · 28/12/2024 10:17

@JJMama

It’s literally the easiest thing to play with young children - did you not play yourself as a youngster?

Not all children enjoy playing with toys & more than one person has said they have a child similar. It would be boring if they were all the same. I have 2 children & they were completely different. One loved toys & the other wasn't at all interested. It’s not the parent being lazy or disinterested.

AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party · 28/12/2024 10:25

@giveupontoys how are you doing today? Have you had a chance to relax? 💐

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 28/12/2024 10:28

@giveupontoys I was hospitalised with postnatal depression when my son was 2 months old. In the years since, when I haven't been doing so well, playing seems like a strange, foreign mystery. And I can't bear watching Bluey - every scene feels like a pointed finger of accusation: you don't enjoy your son and you cannot play imaginitively with him; you are not a good mother to your son.
When I'm doing ok I don't love playing but it feels like something it's worth persevering at. And I love watching Bluey.
Obvious caveat that I don't know you and these two points of similarity might be coincidental. But I hope you're doing ok, and have someone looking out for you.
All the best, anyway.

MeandT · 28/12/2024 10:55

@giveupontoys let me give you a huge hug & a big dose of sympathy. It's hard! And it's even harder when there's so much stuff & it all just ends up being tipped on the floor & then it instantly becomes YOUR problem to deal with.

As DS is in nursery 4 days a week, presumably you work 4 days? So there's maybe a few evening hours in the house, one weekday, and then the weekend? In all of this, most posters have focussed on what YOU should be doing to engage DS's play interest. But presumably his DF is around for over 50% of that total time DS is in your home?

So why is your other half off the hook, scot free, in ALL the discussions about how to manage this?!?

Dads can have a really fundamental influence in showing boys how to play creative play, substitute a car for a missing layer of ice cream without having a ploppy about it, play customer for ice cream, demonstrate that things need to be put back in the box after dumping out, etc. etc.

If you involve Dad more in playing at evenings & weekends, you might find the one day you have DS on your own (?) gets easier and/or you're able to pick up more ideas on how to play with him/what he responds to well & enjoys playing the most?

He may also realise that some of your furniture choices are a proper PITA when it comes to toy management, so you may get some practical support on changes in that area if there's a real world impact for Dad because of those too?

This might sound very idealistic, but do challenge the status quo about why this has become only YOUR problem to deal with OP!

Potentially all of you are not NT...you like order & tidiness & can't work flexibly around missing pieces. DS has a short attention span & needs a lot of gross motor activity to occupy himself. Dad seems to have abdicated himself from all responsibility for child-rearing, developing his children & tidying his home? Whether you are or aren't is - as you've already said yourself - almost irrelevant! What you need to do regardless is acknowledge your current circumstances, how to improve the best bits, and share the load better on the bits you find hard!

From a practical perspective, so much stuff in a smaller house is always difficult. As is having toys in a living room if a lot of your evening/day off time is in the kitchen.

Is it possible to have a very small selection of toys, or some flip books, in the kitchen so he can sit at a table beside you & you can practice 'play' conversations in the same room but while you're doing other things? Other suggestions about having a stepstool, balance board & indoor trampet all sound remarkably practical & well suited to your DS's preferences & your sanity ;)

Good luck OP, and the 'stuff' phase does eventually pass. I really struggled with it too, but remarkably seem to have ended up with 2 reasonably well balanced double-digit DCs, so keep your faith in yourself! Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane...but unless there's a big drip I missed about you already being a single parent, I would suggest sharing the load more evenly is a factor which has been much overlooked in this thread generally! Flowers

pollymere · 28/12/2024 13:26

My kid had a Thomas that blew bubbles which was adored right up to the minute DGM (MIL) got stressed about it blowing bubbles on her carpet.

What's wrong with wanting to tip everything out on the floor? I love doing this even now and then putting things back tidily. He doesn't get the chance to play with Lego because he sees you getting stressed at the bricks on the floor. He's trying to do things that don't make a mess. The train set would make a mess so he doesn't get it out.

Ask at Preschool what he likes playing with and make sure you tip Lego on the floor with him and get building something. I remember mine being upset that the Lego bus wasn't disabled friendly so we altered it together to have wheelchair access and a wheelchair space.

CountessWindyBottom · 28/12/2024 16:09

First of all, hugs to you @giveupontoys as you sound completely overwhelmed at the moment.

I feel like you may have chosen an ongoing losing battle and throwing out large toys and blankets etc sounds like you are extremely stressed right now.

Your little boy is only 4. My boys are close in age to one another and at that stage my house was an absolute disaster zone, on any given day it looked like we’d been burgled. But I have ADD and wasn’t that bothered by the chaos, the kids were and remain very happy. I always came at it from the perspective that it is their home too.

As your little boy is still so young, he may see your incessant tidying up as some sort of game. He may be thinking that I’ll throw everything on the floor now and Mum is going to come and tidy up. I also think something like an ice cream shop isn’t suitable when he doesn’t know how to engage in imaginative play yet.

Play for a child is a vitally important part of their development as children express themselves through play. And modelling that will help him enormously. Sit down at his level
with a small number of items. Host a teddy picnic. Bake something together. Buy a couple of Orchard games (bingo or matching games) and play those with him. Water play and play dough, a sand tray are also excellent resources for encouraging imaginative play.

I think I’d forget about the toys (and their gazillion pieces) for now and set aside the time to ‘play’ without the use of expensive toys. And involve your daughter and partner too. Healthy modelling will help him learn.

And do please speak to a GP if you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed. You’ve given a few indicators that your nervous system is on high alert so please go and seek help if you don’t feel like you’re coping xx

converseandjeans · 28/12/2024 21:19

@CountessWindyBottom

You’ve given a few indicators that your nervous system is on high alert so please go and seek help if you don’t feel like you’re coping xx

OP really doesn't seem that stressed out. Can't you grasp that not all children want to play with Lego.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/12/2024 21:26

Play with him , spend time with him
and teach him how to play
you will learn what spikes his interest
with mine it was the interaction with others
if there’s no underlying problem
teach him play follow his lead when you can
and talk with him about the toys
you don’t need more toys
short bursts works best

CountessWindyBottom · 29/12/2024 00:37

converseandjeans · 28/12/2024 21:19

@CountessWindyBottom

You’ve given a few indicators that your nervous system is on high alert so please go and seek help if you don’t feel like you’re coping xx

OP really doesn't seem that stressed out. Can't you grasp that not all children want to play with Lego.

🤣

You evidently haven’t read a single post in the thread.