To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

Don't bother with bitty toys, try some Pikler equipment and a wobble board! That sounds much more his vibe.

I also really don't think you have to play with him, I think adults getting involved in kids play kind of ruins it. We can't help but impose our own ideas of what play should be.

Does he like balls?

Some kids don’t play with toys. My eldest was like that and and now he’d rather go for a walk or a run that sit and be on a device. I suspect I was a bit like that too. I remember someone giving me a barbietype stuff as a child and thinking what am I supposed to do with this? I loved to read and would happily spend hours reading from a young age.

I get the vibes from your posts that you can't cope with any mess at all.

Often a really good bout of playing is a bit messy. Ds and I once made a huge brio track. It went through/round four rooms, it had bridges, tunnels made from shoe boxes, a turntable, two sets of engine sheds. We were at it all morning!!

I think it’s very sad (and wasteful!!!!) to bin a brand new (expensive!) Melissa and Doug ice cream set because of the bits - it’s not that small we have one- not like Lego or playmobil. Kindly- if it’s getting lost and broken so fast you and dh aren’t taking care or tracing the kids, don’t stand on toys etc. get some of those guards that stop stuff going under furniture. Or get a broom and fish it out once a week. I do think you seem to hyper focus on mess and missing bits, a bit of mess isn’t an issue, and occasionally we misplace one bit to a set, it’s fine without one bit and that bit turns up within a day or two, bits not ruined and harder ever broken. And if you just loose the ice cream shop take it to the charity shop don’t bin it!

Just make some replacements ice-creams out of cardboard.
So wasteful to just throw the toy away.

It seems he needs play role modeling to him

Wow. I think you need therapy OP. He liked playing with a blanket, your job was to teach him to pick it up off the floor when he’s finished but instead you throw it away because he likes it?? And instead of picking up the ice cream pieces with him and showing him where they go you get stressed and bin that twice too?

I suspect you have an active little boy who needs your input and would love you to play with him, but you don’t know how and just wish you had another child who plays obediently/independently like your other one does. But he’s a different child and you can’t make a square peg fit in a round hole OP.

Except he plays fine at nursery. So I honestly don’t think it is just my neglectful parenting.

OP, @VivaVivaa has a good bit of advice that I think you misunderstood. She said no one here knows whether your child is NT or ND. But a lot of parenting strategies for ND kids also work really well for NT kids who are just a little out of the standard mould. Your DS loving to climb and dump things and make a mess (sensory seeking behavior) and not being particularly amenable to instructions absolutely doesn’t mean he’s ND, but these are common traits among ND children (often in a more extreme end of a spectrum) so seeking out activity ideas and parenting tips in that realm may really be helpful. People who raise and educate ND children are often incredibly practiced at finding creative activities and ways to create structure for children that this is not easy for. Your child doesn’t need to be ND for that to be a good source to draw from.

Also how can a blanket get so messy if it’s just on your floor at home?? Doesn’t your floor get cleaned?

Thoughts for tidying up / organising:

Consider specific toys for specific rooms. Cars in the bedroom, Lego in the sitting room, colouring and craft near the table, small pieces toys wherever you normally are eg on a small table in the kitchen so you can supervise.

Really easy toy storage by type - open baskets or plastic boxes, not the original boxes.

Consider Tuff trays or those drawstring bags to contain specific toys.

No ‘next step’ until after tidying up - no
lunch till the table is clear; no bedtime TV until the sitting room is clear, no books until bedroom floor is clear, no trip out to the park until tidying up is done - use being unable to do things he wants to do as natural consequences for not tidying up.

Thanks @cantkeepawayforever . It should be straightforward enough. All the toys are in one room and we have the open boxes but it just isn’t, it takes hours and it’s really taking it out of me which is why I’m so grouchy (sorry.)

It isn’t just the toys. It’s the general penchant for emptying things and relocating them. But to keep the house looking even passable every day I have to take out the furniture (three sofas, two bookcases and TV unit) and clear behind them, pick up anything else, put things back together, pick up things that get thrown around like paper, cushions and so on, shoes (dear god shoes) and clothes. And that’s before we even start on the kitchen. I’m just very tired and a bit worn down. Christmas has taken it out of me.

All the time, but it also gets walked on, and stuff dropped on it so I guess it just gets dirty again <sigh>

What's the big deal about a blanket on the floor? Our throws and blankets get used for all sorts of stuff, they make dens, turn them into ghosts, they use them to set up scenes with toys. If he liked it so much I would have stopped using it as a sofa throw and just let him have it to play with, seeing as you aren't using it now anyway. You seem to think it's better for stuff to be binned/not used than risk it being made dirty or broken or used for another purpose.

He will play better at nursery because:

• the staff will initiate, engage, prompt
• the staff will tell stories, model role play, show a child how to use a resource etc
• peers will join in & ideas will get mixed in to extend or develop a game or role play
• there are other children to imitate or copy so he will engage more purposefully
• tidy up time is imposed, every day with consistent signalling and requirements so it becomes habit
• very destructive/silly behaviour won't be tolerated, a child breaking everything deliberately will be redirected
• the staff at a nursery will have seen 50 small boys just like him (he doesn't sound ND to me, my DS was similar and turned out very academic).

Also if he likes that kind of thing and physical play etc, check out play sofas. We have one for our DC and it's great, it gets made into all sorts of stuff, chucked around, made into an assault course, made into a den, sometimes they just hit each other with the cushions!

When you’ve tripped over it multiple times

washed it multiple times

its become like a magnet to other messes

it becomes a big deal. It if was just the blanket it wouldn’t be, it’s the blanket and everything else.

where Is your partner whilst you are dealing with the children ?

There are many toys out there that don't contain small pieces.

What about animal toys / soft toys? My child's favourite thing is plastic horses. She has a herd of them that just kind of move around the house with her wherever she goes. She makes them talk to each other. She has never been into dolls and she doesn't really enjoy things like jigsaws or things that require lots of setting up. She just does her own thing. Has always preferred animal based things to anything else.

Do you have a very controlling partner, or do you yourself set your standards extremely high?

The reason for the different rooms for different toys is to limit the number and range in each room; to provide a prompt for tidying up (eg when leaving the kitchen after lunch; when leaving the sitting room for bedtime routine etc); to allow for a single type of toy storage in each room.

It does sound like your rooms are very full and furniture heavy (3 sofas??), which wil make the space for constructive play very small. Is there an emptier room - bedroom / garage / dining room - with more floor space hat can be ‘toy proofed’ more effectively?

Tidying tips:

Spread a very big fleece blanket on the floor. You want one that is sort of 2m x 2m. Ikea ones are good.
One box at a time. Eg only the duplo box, or only the brio box, only the marble run box.
You tip it on the blanket and sit with him for ten mins to get him started off
Have a timer - the sort you turn then when time is run out it beeps
Ask him to stay playing on the blanket for 3 more mins. Gradually build it up over time to 10/15/20 mins
When done use the blanket to swiftly dump all the pieces back in the kallax.
Do not get another box out until first has been tidied

It isn’t just the toys. It’s the general penchant for emptying things and relocating them. But to keep the house looking even passable every day I have to take out the furniture (three sofas, two bookcases and TV unit) and clear behind them, pick up anything else, put things back together, pick up things that get thrown around like paper, cushions and so on, shoes (dear god shoes) and clothes. And that’s before we even start on the kitchen. I’m just very tired and a bit worn down. Christmas has taken it out of me.

This is a home issue. Could you use a playpen? A big blanket on the floor for him to play on? Declutttrr and get rid of some furniture so you’ve got more space, and less things for parts to get under?

You do know that ND children can also be very academic? (Not implying yours or OP’s is, just noting the inaccurate suggestion a kid can be either ND or academic, not both)

Anyway <sigh> all will come right I am sure. Just absolutely exhausted tonight. I didn’t actually sleep last night so obviously that’s affecting my mood.

Also - tidying race. Set timer, play silly games with rules (you have to hop / use only one hand / have a cushion on your head / do the blue pieces before the red ones….) that everyone joins in with. Just be less earnest; be silly.