To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

I hear you. I wasn’t for one minute suggesting a diagnosis is what you need to cure all your problems and I’m sorry if it read that way. DS1 has a diagnosis and it’s made precisely zero difference to our day in-day out experience of parenting him! I was just trying to point out that, if standard parenting strategies don’t work, ND strategies might be more effective, no matter his neurotype.

DS was constantly chucking it on the floor and it was getting dirty and made the house look a mess. So I put it away. And that thing is like some sort of mythological creature that emerges constantly to haunt me. Half the time I don’t know where it is and DS finds it. I do not know how. I just actually lost my shit over it because it was crumped at the bottom of the stairs AGAIN
So he IS playing with things, just not in the way that you like. Look, I’d much prefer to live in one of those minimalist homes like a Modern House shoot with no objects on bare surfaces, so I get the stress of mess, but I had children so I accept there’s going to be mess.

He’s finding the throw because that’s what he plays with and he’s doing something with it, you just don’t like it. Same with the tipping stuff out: DS LOVES tipping stuff out and crunching through it like Godzilla. But we play “get it all back in the trays asap!” and he’s learned to find the tidy it all up stuff fun too. And it really doesn’t matter about keeping sets together. I’m attaching a picture of our camper van, which currently contains a figure from the train set, a broken chair from the camper van, penguin from the aquarium, screw from the toolset, big sequin, Duplo, pea from the kitchen. Which means NONE of those sets are complete, no idea where the camper van bits are, but it doesn’t matter: my house is tidy, I accept that my kids like to mix up the sets and that’s how they play.

How do you feel about colouring books? Do you mind if they go outside the lines or colour in “wrong”?

Sorry @VivaVivaa , I didn’t mean to bite your head off. It really is the lack of sleep; I’m not normally like this!

@pelargoniums look … if he was playing an imaginative game with the throw that would be one thing, he isn’t, he’s literally just throwing it down! He DOES sometimes make a den with the cushions and I don’t mind that. I’d rather he put them back yes but can’t have everything.

I am not naturally silly. But ‘fake it till
you make it’ and tidying up can be less painful for all. Charts showing number of pieces from behind sofa, special
nice tea or something like a new book for everyone when you all ‘win’ by getting that number down to say 5 (or even zero) - because you’re happy there’s less to tidy up, you have time and effort available to do those extra ‘nice’ things.

The tuff tray isn’t a bad idea for emptying things out onto. It might help to contain some of the parts.

The other thing I’d say is that some children need a lot more physical sensory input than others. Particularly 4 year old boys. If he needs to be out doing something physical or climbing rather than ‘playing with stuff’ that’s what he needs. Don’t stress about making him ‘play’ either stuff because that’s what you or others think he ‘should’ be doing. You might get more joy with items that are a bit more physical.

We did the same as this, but only for as long as our children were engaged with playing and didn’t ever impose a set time.

We would ask the children which activity/ game/ box of toys they would like instead and Then we would say :
“ When you’ve put the toys in box you can choose another toy/ box of toys “

If you get good storage systems in place I find it doesn’t matter so much about mess as you can sort it easily - get baskets for storage on Amazon, ikea drawers, ziplock bags for small parts like dinosaurs, figurines, Lego sets. Don’t have too much out at once and help your child to see where everything goes so they can help to tidy up at end of the day.

Buy big storage boxes and store toys away and do a toy rotation. Children play better with toys they haven’t seen for a while. Keep firm favourites out. Put away toys that haven’t been touched for a while.

You do need to model playing. You can do it in small amounts - try and aim for 10 mins a couple of times a day of fully focused play. Children will independently copy ideas you’ve shown them.

After you’ve played for a bit you can often take a backseat in the game as their imaginations take off. The more you play with them usually they get better at independently playing.

Let them combine their toys to make more imaginative games. If they’re playing cars get the ice cream truck involved! Or the space rockets and helicopters!

No idea if you’d find it useful but am currently doing an online course called Parenting Matters - £89 though I got free access via a research study I’m in. The central tenet of it is that you have to do ten mins therapeutic play each day and then give you videos with examples - basically it’s a certain type of play that’s led by the kid and you comment on what they’re doing, don’t play anything competitive like a board game. Has made me realise how infrequently I manage to focus on each kid for 10 mins a day and I feel like a plonker doing the running commentary but my 4yo has responded so well to it! Theory being to build the play first then course will move on to setting boundaries. I think it’s useful and may give you some ideas for play though even getting them doing a household task with you and commenting is meant to work. Good luck - I find staying on top of the chaos in my small house a bloody horror and parenting the hardest thing ever so I empathise on both counts xx

Just pick the blanket up. Wash it more often. What is he using it for? Can you give him a more appropriate replacement to play with? I don't understand how a blanket can get so filthy it needs disposing of in your own living room.

This is crazy, a 4 year old needs constant stimulation, you can't just not have any toys for him. I know the issue you are having with bits from toys not staying together (we are nearly 2 here and so heavily into our puzzle era and I'm not enjoying it one bit!) but just because it's annoying doesn't mean he shouldn't have toys! I've had this conversation with my husband because when we first had a baby he had this idea that nothing in the house would change (he's a minimalist!) and he didn't want any toys on show! He didn't even want the steriliser out - wanted it to be put away in between each use!

Have you considered a toy rotation system where there are less toys in his toy box (more stashed in a cupboard somewhere) and you swap them out every couple of weeks, this allows kids to really focus on 'mastering' a toy before getting distracted too quickly and moving on/pulling the next thing out? I think this could work on a 4 year old, I'm currently committed to doing it with our Christmas toys as we have waaaay too much for the toy box now!
Equally, have you looked at other 'toys' rather than just sit down and fiddle with this type things, for instance - some thing similar to this (hopefully not as pricey!) https://getsuperspace.co.uk/products/the-big-set-22-panel?variant=53496972968311&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAmrS7BhBJEiwAei59i1M7tKnGRzrkfGghSaR-EgKIW-HdUVP_Mzvb3njFdMBTUIPd2lE1thoCYO0QAvD_BwE

And then balance beams or stepping stones too? If he's just an active kid maybe it's just a different type of toy he needs, more of a big activity thing rather than a sit down on the floor thing.

Cheap plastic toys for someone who just throws things around. Also may be he prefers games instead of toys. Try them out.

OP - you've still not answered how your son behaves when you sit down in the floor and play with him and his toys? Does he still just throw things around or does he pay more attention to playing?

Kids are different, how is that not clear. I have twins and they are worlds apart

toy ice cream van was one of the best toy purchases I ever made! My children have loved it for years after lots of the other similar imaginative play stuff got relegated to the “for charity” corner

I think he’s fine. OP is the one that’s needs play role modelling to her so she can then play with her son. In tandem she needs to loosen up and relax her attitudes to mess and waste.

I don't think my ds played by himself until he was about 6 yrs old. You need to be at their level and let them lead, which may be a load of nonscence. A child needs toys but not every toy and the parent needs to entertain the child, the toy can not do it alone

Why are you clearing up parts 30 times a day? Just do it the once. If he wants to play with it he will. Make him tidy. Play with him - in a way that he wants to be played with. My son’s way of playing is to line things up and organise them. So he’ll like to find places to put all the trains rather than running them along the elaborate track I’ve built. Or he does pretend play which is boring as hell and drives me mad as he bosses me about and I never do it right, but if I show willing to start with then usually he’s happy to carry on without me.

You do know that ND children can also be very academic? (Not implying yours or OP’s is, just noting the inaccurate suggestion a kid can be either ND or academic, not both)

Sorry was poorly phrased just that nothing about what op said screams "unusual" for a 4 y o boy

Maybe it's a chicken and egg situation: he isn't home for long enough to have the (inner) space to get bored\ creative and play, so you avoid being home because he has somehow lost\ not developed this (vital) capacity to play. Some great suggestions from PP on what toys to get. Donate all on-screen vans rubbish that is usable, until he has advanced in his play.

It just sounds like he doesn’t play the way you want or expect him to. At his age he could be playing games with you, there are plenty of indoor toys that help with physical activity (balance boards, stepping stones, etc). There’s plenty to cater to all sorts of kids, imaginative play or not. If you’re not playing with him that’ll impact the way he plays, and if you are interfering when he’s not playing as you expect then that will put him off.

I'm a Reception teacher and I see this a lot - children who aren't used to just being and playing independently or making their own entertainment. They're used to being on iPads or being constantly taken out and being kept busy.

You're really making things hard for yourself in the future. I would plan time in where you are in the house and play and then leave him to it. If he doesn't want to play with toys get paper out for him. Expect some resistance but he needs to learn how to be bored.

Some children aren't very toy oriented. My DD who is NT, and a high achiever at school (I mention this in case you are worried this is a sign of something) just wasn't great at play. She was way more into books or writing stories. My DS loved small world play. All children are different. A few toys would be good, when he starts to have friends over they might encourage him, but why clutter your house with things you don't need?

I think you need to let go worrying about the toys being ruined. It doesn’t matter if toys aren’t kept pristine, it matters they are played with. A bit of mess while playing shouldn’t be stressful, it can all be tidied away after an hour or 2.

If your DS enjoys playing with a toy at nursery but not at home, then it’s the home environment that’s blocking him from playing. You need to think about that carefully and change things so he can relax and enjoy his toys.

Initially I thought you were both ND but now I’m concerned you may possibly be feeling very low. We have blankets for our sofa, yes they get used as dens or beds for the cats, or cloaks etc etc but at the end of the day we all tidy up once. I don’t tidy up multiple times a day as there’s no need, once is fine. I think you might be making life harder for yourself with the constant tidying. If he’s at nursery he’ll probably know the tidy up song or have a rule like “choose it, use it, put it away”. He’s 4, you have to model things to them. No it’s not fun, yes it’s tiring but I’m afraid it’s life. You say he has a sibling, can you do competitions to see who can put X away faster than their sibling? Rather than throwing things away just put them in a box until the parts reappear. We have 3 small boxes on our stairs where things that are downstairs but don’t live there get put and every month or so we take them upstairs and put everything where it lives.