To just … not have toys?

[giveupontoys]

Obviously we’ll have to have some, but my DS(4) just doesn’t seem to play with them.

Christmas presents included a toy ice cream van and he just gets everything out and then it ends up discarded and thrown everywhere, so bits get lost and it’s unusable. This is the same as everything we get.

He has a few toy trucks / cars type things but doesn’t really seem to play with them.

I know people will say not to let him or to discipline him but he just ignores us … doesn’t solve anything.

I don’t know what to do really. It kind of seems pointless having toys if they end up unusable but on the other hand he has to have some things.

When I was little I preferred Montessori style ‘things’ to toys - old phones and tools and objects. I remember I loved an accordion wine rack and used to take it up to bed with me! Maybe he would be more interested in that.

Sounds like he is playing with them, just not in the way you want him to..

To summarise:

You get your child toys that have a lot of small parts

You don't supervise or play with your child

They totally unsurprisingly make a mess

You don't insist they tidy up because it's hard

You have no interest in changing any of that. In which case it probably is easier not to bother with toys

I don't think it is unreasonable to be minimalist and only have a few toys as long as they have enough. Maybe ten items including jigsaws and games but then I'd have drawing and craft things on top of that.

DS2 always a fan of tipping everything out then running off. So I removed the really small fiddly bits (like the playmobil cups and plates out the camper can etc), and invested in kallax. He would never sit and pick things up to put away, but loved it when I lay the kallax box on its side, gave him his toy broom and he would sweep it all into the box. Took less than a minute to clear it away, and we rarely
lost anything. Advantage of the broom was he could use it to get anything that disappeared under the sofa! cars were put away in another kallax with a ramp so he could shove them down and they’d land in the box. I don’t care if the paint got chipped and neither did he.

OP your son may or may not be neurodiverse, but the language thing really can be a red herring - DS2 was very verbal (having full conversations at 18mo!) and he is autistic with ADHD. What you need to do is encourage play based on his strengths and likes - he likes tipping things, then find things for him to tip. Mine had a ride on jcb he used to scoop the balls in a little paddling pool and tip them. Don’t obsess about things being ruined - he may well be picking up on your stress over this and thinking what’s the point playing with it if I’m just ruining it?

I can’t make it any clearer that toys with lots of small parts get lost, broken and missing. If you can’t understand that I’m not sure how I can make it clearer, sorry.

He’s not interested in drawing at all I’m afraid @Penguinmouse but thank you.

If you don’t want to have all jigsaws/games out you can take a photo of each one (jigsaws assembled obviously), print out and put all photos in a ring binder for the children to pick which one they want. It’s what we do at my nursery, but maybe an useful idea for some..

You need to be down on the floor so that you can stop him just emptying a big container out on repeat. If you see him going to do that catch his arm and say 'hang on! Instead of tipping them on the floor lets leave most in the box and take out what we want to use. Shall we choose some pieces of track to build/blocks?'

I'd go with this and use a couple of plastic boxes with lids with cheap toy blocks, balls, whatever he can empty out, pour from one to the other, add a plastic ladle or colander maybe. My kid has loads of interesting bath toys but only really wants to pour water from container to another - totally normal.

Possible neurodivergency OP? I am ND, a parent of two SEN children and I work with kids with ASD / ADHD (often both) who experience the world differently and one way you can see this is in how they play with toys.

I would suggest a chat with your local health visiting team who can do a screening to indicate if there is a need for a referral for ASD / ADHD diagnosis.

You get your child toys that have a lot of small parts - ha, no. Mostly they are gifts. But to be honest unless it’s literally just one truck or something it’s hard to avoid toys with some parts to it, even the blocks get emptied out and end up everywhere. I sometimes think if I die and go to hell it will look like those blocks as they just turn up everywhere.

You don't supervise or play with your child I probably don’t play enough, he is pretty much always supervised though.

They totally unsurprisingly make a mess he does but it does seem to be over and above what’s normal. I have two children and I’d say the other makes normal mess whereas DS - the mess kind of IS the play.

You don't insist they tidy up because it's hard Not quite. I’ve realised I’ve no way to make DS do something which I know I’ll get hate for but it’s true I’m afraid. I’ve no more power than ‘do this, or I’ll tell you to do it again.’

So that’s where we are.

Sounds like my DD, I now buy her lots of sensory toys and she loves them!

@giveupontoys Unless you live in a huge mansion or take toys with lots of little parts out with you, how can they get lost? And if you're on the floor playing with your son, then you can stop him from breaking things.

You do come across as very defeated and as if you have given up on him, and despite asking for help are not really convinced anything can change. As a result you are struggling with (even actively resisting) the many good suggestions offered so far. I’d even go so far as to say it sounds as if you find it hard to like him compared to his younger sister. Could that be true? It’s OK to admit you haven’t bonded with a child. Before you can crack this issue you do need to sort that out. Someone asked if you are depressed - are you?

Also, why is your partner not featuring here - do you even have one? IF so you should be a team. It sounds like the burden for this is all on you and that is not going to be helping. Somehow you have to find your enthusiasm for engaging and playing with him in a way he understands and responds to. Give up on the toys and sets of things that get lost or broken or need imaginative play from you. Find things he is keen on and explore those.

You say he likes to climb – so find ways for him to do that without causing chaos. So as @MsSquiz suggested, some sort of indoor climbing frame – doesn’t have to be huge - with bean bags or bouncy crash pads he can fall onto from a (small) height. If you you have a garden that opens up more options for a larger climbing frame and nets etc - get a big gazebo so it’s under cover.

If he likes ‘making a mess’ lean into that but ideally outside where it doesn’t matter so much. For example bigger soft things that can be scattered about, easy to see, won’t break if stood on, easy to put away. Does he like throwing things? Big soft balls or soft toys that won’t hurt when thrown at each other.

As for him not doing what he’s told, like tidying up – that’s a life lesson and you can’t let him ignore you because it’s easier for you than a tantrum. Get on top of that now because it won’t be long before that is a major problem. Keep it short and easy – 10 minutes max and a big box. No walking off, go get him and lead him back until he does it. Have a little reward at the end - something of value to him that you can promise (a hug/a little treat/whatever).

😂 How can they get lost?

What worked best for my kids when they were around that age was toys that helped them mimic what I was doing. They used their toy vacuum along side me while I vacuumed. They cooked their play food in the kitchen while I cooked dinner. We sang songs together while tidying up and they got a star on their reward charts every time they did it. Once they got a certain number of stars, they got a treat.

Just because someone gives him something doesn't mean you have to give it to him straight away or at all. Stash it away for when he is older or regift it if you don't think he will play with it.

I don't understand how your son can make so much mess if you are supervising him?

Don't you intervene if he tips something out? Stop him?

I am no disciplinarian but if you can't get your four year old to put some blocks back after tipping them out either he has additional needs of some sort and urgently needs assessment or you need some serious support with your parenting skills.

It just isn't normal to be so shrug, oh well, I can't do anything about my 4 year old

My son was like this at that age you just need to find what he likes and run with it. He's a very sensory child so he likes slime, sand, water we make up different sensory boxes. We did the seaside some sand, water, dyed blue spaghetti as waves, pasta shapes as seashells and little diggers and spades. He liked little cars so we drew a shopping centre in chalk with different shops and spaces for cars. Then basic stuff, we took turns throwing balled up socks into a laundry basket, got letter fridge magnets and spelled out words, I made him a visual list of items to go find in the house. It can be done you just need to embrace the silliness.

😂

I guess how anything gets lost

😂

Right now I have given up. I’ve binned the ice cream thing and I’ll probably throw the waterpark thing too. It’s just sad somehow. I know lots of kids excited about toys and all mine does is destroy.

This is a LONG thread so I'll confess to TLDR but having skimmed and read some summaries along the way (definition of a TLDR!), you must bite the bullet and ... PLAY.... WITH ... HIM... Your lovely DC is in extreme need of attention and input. You cannot just pass him a box of plastic/wooden bits and disappear. He needs your input.

Up to a point, toys ARE about mess. DCs must take them out of containers/boxes in order to play with them but equally, as parents, you and DH can direct a tidy-up at the end. Nursery/Playgroup do this as routine so if you shout, 'Tidy up time' your DC should fall to and start putting things in containers.

@onehundredandonepaws I'm not sure why that was funny. How is it possible for so many parts of a toy ice cream truck to get lost or broken in one day to make it unusable? If they're kept indoors in a normal sized home, toys don't just go missing!

Honestly if toys are getting lost so frequently they are unusable, I would say you need a serious declutter. If toys are going under sofas, or behind bookshelves, why aren't they being retrieved? The ice cream set is wooden, right? How is it being trodden on and broken? I don't understand why you're throwing away a toy he plays with rather than tidy up and find the rest of it. Seems mad to me.

I might be barking up the wrong tree here entirely…but have you posted about your DS under different usernames before OP? I just feel like I recognise your style of writing and, if so, i’ve really related to a lot of your posts!

If that’s the case (and I’m sorry if it’s not!) I think there has been lots of previous comments saying consider neurodiversity. Who knows if your DS is ND or NT, but either way, a lot of less compliant, sensory seeking kids with seemingly no understanding of hierarchy respond well to ND parenting strategies. You maybe can’t change his style of play but you might be able to do something about the aftermath!

Just in case you are feeling lost, this isn’t you. Parenting a more challenging child is difficult, especially with a toddler to consider as well. If it feels really hard, it’s probably because it is really hard. It’s not because you are missing anything. Hope you are okay x

@giveupontoys How does your son react when you sit on the floor with him and play with his toys with him? Does he still throw them around?

You binned it after one day?

OP, I think there's something more going on here. Why are you binning stuff? Is it because he isn't playing with it or is it really because you don't like the way he's playing with it or don't like that it's making mess?

We got an ice cream counter thing and yes the bits get everywhere, they've ended up all over the house today. They get mixed up with other toys sometimes. It's all okay. It's not a big deal to have ice cream parts in with safari animals sometimes, or to have a piece wedged down the sofa for three weeks.