Husband doesn’t want me working part time even though we can afford it

[ThatFunRubyHelper]

DH and I don’t have children yet. He makes a good salary working full time, and it’s possible for us to live from his salary but I work full time and contribute too.

I would really like to work part time as I want more time to properly clean the house, and spend time making healthy meals for us from scratch. On the weekends I don’t feel like I have enough time to properly rest too. I get tired quite easily and I’m honestly so exhausted from my work, on top of a few hours commute everyday. My DH is pretty energetic so doesn’t have this issue.

I’ve spoken about this to DH and he’s told me that he wants to send me abroad to a country where people work 11 hours a day 6 days a week to see what tired really looks like(then later claims he was joking). So I don’t have much understanding from him!

Am I being unreasonable to want to work part time?

They're married and she wants to be a part time housewife - completely sane choice and more power to her

What a load of shit. “More power to her”, what power exactly? Because it’s certainly not financial power, she’s going to make herself complete dependent on a man who doesn’t want to support her, that’s the opposite of “power to her”🤣 Making yourself reliant on someone who has explicitly said they will not support you is the total opposite of a sane choice.

Mothers are actually more likely to be in employment than childless women are - presumably because most households can't support children on a single salary.

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM, in fact, I'm sure it'd be a good thing if parents generally were able to work less, but it is a luxury that most families don't have.

But my point was that she should leave him and find a man who wants to be a provider?

And tbh, while she's working now, if this is the life she wants, she should be saving hard, if she hasn't been already

I agree, it's a shame that women who might want to be at home are forced to work

I also think women who work and raise kids are amazing

Since you're both childless, I think your reasoning is a bit unreasonable. That said, if you're both working full-time, household responsibilities like chores and cooking should be split 50/50 for balance. I work 12.5-hour shifts, and with travel, it's often 15-16-hour days, so I get how exhausting it can be. If work is really affecting you, it might be worth considering a lifestyle change, prioritizing your health, or even exploring a new job.

If my DH came out with this before we had a kid, it would be a hard no. I would find it unattractive to say the least, as it suggests a lack of motivation. I would feel cheated that I married the wrong man.

If there’s children, this is different (it’s hard balancing it all, we have a small child at the moment!).

Just faffing around the house with no direction or goal in this modern day, except to cook and clean and the other spouse takes on all the financial responsibilities, I think it would take a special kind of person to accept this from their spouse.

There really aren’t many adults who would choose to financially support another adult so that they can make meals from scratch.

Again, big difference once children are involved, but with “I want a man to support me financially so I can cook and clean the house” on your dating profile you’re not going to get many matches! Nobody wants to support another adult to do nothing, raising children is hard work and a very different scenario entirely, but this is just pure laziness and not wanting to work.

OP, since you imply you would like to have children, make it a priority to get your tiredness checked out by your GP.

If you are too tired to work f/t being a parent of a baby and toddler will floor you!

There is much to be said for a fulfilling work / life balance but in the end we do need to support ourselves now, save for the parenting years and have security for our old age. Pre children is very young to be ceasing to invest in future financial security.

Some men do, they like providing

Not all men of course, and it's perfectly valid either way

But she's only gonna work part time and pay for herself so I don't see what the issue is here

The idea of men being “providers” is antiquated nonsense.

Agree. Men as providers is antiquated, as is women as recipients. It promotes an antiquated dysfunctional dynamic

This, x100.

And I would argue that securing our old age takes precedence. If, after doing that, one can still afford children, that's fine. Otherwise you're just rolling the dice with the possibility of becoming a burden to those around you.

This.

And SAH isn't power, it's precarious dependence.

Put it this way - I know of many men who are happy with this set up. I do not know of any women who are.

No it isn’t. There are many cultures around the world in which this is the norm. A lot of men like to be providers. It’s embedded in their nature.

There are many cultures around the world in which this is the norm and is an excuse to subjugate women.

Giving up work even before you were married because you weren't interested in a career?

What will you do if your marriage fails and you're left on your own and with no employability skills at all?

No he’s not.

Why should he have to “carry” her when there’s no DCs? She wants to go part time to cook. Something we all have to do, whether we work part time, full time or not at all.

I work part time but that’s because I have a child. My DH would have definitely not been happy if I had wanted to work part time prior to this.

I'd work full time but get a cleaner that you both contribute to!

This is a good suggestion but at the same time how unclean can a house with 2 adults be. I just can’t understand why the cleaning has become an issue that would motivate the op to go part time.

I don't know any men who would be happy to support their wife to be at home part time without children in the mix

I do know men and women who would be happy for their spouse to be a stay at home parent. That's a bit different because looking after young children is a full time job.

Pre kids, we had a cleaner for 3 hours a week which was more than enough with two of us mostly out at work all day, did a couple of loads of washing and cooked in the evening. Almost everything I cook is "from scratch" and usually takes under 30 mins.

I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want a career or at least a job. It's a huge part of a person's identity as well as giving oneself financial independence. I'm over 60 and all my friends have / have had careers alongside their husband / partner. Yes some of us worked part time after having children or in the run up to retirement, but it makes no sense otherwise.

OP a busy person fits in a lot more into their every day than a person of leisure. If you're already too tired to work full time, you'll be lounging around at home, not leaping around making every surface sparkle and prepping complicated home cooked meals from scratch every day. Imo it's easier to be motivated by the demands of a job than by the endless chores that could be tackled but, other than cooking, washing and some essential cleaning, can be ignored for a while.

And why make less money for no reason- it would be cheaper to have a cleaner for a few hours a week and learn to cook some quick easy meals from scratch- if it takes longer than half an hour, I don't bother on a work day (or most others, come to that).

I already said if previous posts to be honest about your intentions from the start to safe guard your position should the marriage fail.

With regards to employability, I have twice wanted to work during our marriage after having given up work.

I started a business with my mum, which was successful for a good 4 years but with market changes it no longer can provide us both an income so I’ve stepped away and she now runs it alone.

The other when my children all started school and felt at a bit of a loose end, so I was working from home doing 15 hours a week. I’ve left that job now too after 2 years as kids picked up extra curricular things and I felt I needed those 3 hours in the day to run the house more smoothly, which it has done.

Just because I had been out of work doesn’t mean I don’t have a skill set and I can’t get a job if I need / want one!

Of course. And there are many over worked, over stressed, under supported women trying to raise kids and have a career, maintain relationships which fail due to stress load and time restraints, with kids also being ferried to breakfast club and after school childcare and taking their first steps in nurseries because I believe this society has failed in supporting families to manage things effectively.