AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

[Merryoldgoat]

I know divorce isn’t easy.
I know that abuse is hard and dangerous to extricate yourself from.
I know that your self esteem might be in the toilet.

But for the love of god please make plans so this is the last Christmas you are the only one with no gifts, had all of your hard work denigrated, your cooking sneered at, your appearance criticised and so on.

No one has a perfect relationship, but it’s perfectly possible to have a relationship without any of the above, and no relationship is better than a shit one.

Life is hard anyway. Don’t let it be harder than necessary.

My mum put up with a shitty relationship for 20 years. Then when she was finally ready to think about leaving she died. Years of knowing it was shit, wishing she could escape, putting up with the criticism and when she’d finally decided it was too late.

For you and your children if you have them, make a plan.

I wish every woman had an escape found even when their relationship is wonderful. I wish no woman had a baby without being married. I wish no woman had a child until their husband had saved 2 years of childcare and half of their wives lost earnings.
We women need to stop letting our hearts rule our heads and always have an escape plan. My Husband is lovely but i have a plan because you never know when they won't be lovely anymore.

Not all red flags are easy to recognise. Not all lying is easy to recognise. No one who can't recognise red flags or lying wants to believe they are in a cycle of abuse.

You can't talk about this stuff in real life. We need a forum on mumsnet where the ill informed do not have a voice. Or take over debate. A safe space. A place where you are believed and a signpost to help and support.

I had to go elsewhere to find understanding, help and support.

'Active' is not the right place. Too much ignorance. But a lot of clicks. Depends on what you want mumsnet to be.

We need a forum on mumsnet where the ill informed do not have a voice. Or take over debate. A safe space. A place where you are believed and a signpost to help and support.

Such a thing could never exist on the internet. There will never be a 'safe space' even if people weren't anonymous and this wasn't a public forum.

As for 'the ill informed do not have a voice', what if the ill informed are victims?

Do they not deserve a place in the debate so they can become more informed?

Sorry being married to an abusive man is not an advantage.

I wish no woman had a child until their husband had saved 2 years of childcare and half of their wives lost earnings.

But to make it fair, both the husband and wife would have to do that and with the cost of rent/mortgage/food/bills/transport that'd be nigh on impossible for the average couple.

Absolutely. Although there is another comment which says they do go for strong women etc, something about because then they will be able to look like they are the victim.
They know they are on the right track with certain women and cling on, because other women wouldn't go there.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that of your past, I can relate.
It was the way you referred to the subject, in terms of it being a partner.

I think that is a positive that you have gone on to meet a decent partner.
As unfortunately that's another issue that if you have DA in your home life, you are more likely to move on to male partners who are the same.

I don't believe they go for strong women at all, I think they sniff out the vulnerable like bloodhounds.

I live in an area of London that has a massively high rate of single mothers in council/HA accommodation and one of the highest rates of unemployment and child poverty in the country.

They usually go for these women, especially if they're on benefits and they can come in flashing a bit of cash and pretending they want to 'treat their kids as if they were their own' 🙄

The awful reality soon becomes apparent once they move in and lose all interest in the kids.

i totally agree with this. in my case marriage would have given him half of my very good pension on divorce.
he has no pension except for the odd bits when he occasionally worked PAYE after the law changed and employers had to autoenrol you. he always 'joked' mine was enough for the both of us. and i was thinking not a chance was he getting it as i plotted my escape. i changed my death in service and pension beneficiary's to my children without telling him the minute the scales fell from my eyes.
we rented so no property to consider but i do agree marriage is not the answer for financial security for every woman,
my career did take a hit due to maternity leaves but i'm back on track now. he is living with a woman who has no self esteem and her children. unsurprisingly he isn't working consistently again, owes thousands in unpaid CMS and she has a good pension....

They go for both. Vulnerability comes in many forms, not just financial. Many successful women with good careers have also experienced domestic abuse. Abusers are just ubiquitous.