AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

[Merryoldgoat]

I know divorce isn’t easy.
I know that abuse is hard and dangerous to extricate yourself from.
I know that your self esteem might be in the toilet.

But for the love of god please make plans so this is the last Christmas you are the only one with no gifts, had all of your hard work denigrated, your cooking sneered at, your appearance criticised and so on.

No one has a perfect relationship, but it’s perfectly possible to have a relationship without any of the above, and no relationship is better than a shit one.

Life is hard anyway. Don’t let it be harder than necessary.

My mum put up with a shitty relationship for 20 years. Then when she was finally ready to think about leaving she died. Years of knowing it was shit, wishing she could escape, putting up with the criticism and when she’d finally decided it was too late.

For you and your children if you have them, make a plan.

No but having seen first had the damage done to children by subjecting them to a home life with abusive men, I am increasingly running out of patience with women who stay, especially when there's no financial barrier to leaving.

@Afraidofhimrightnow tape him if you can. Switch your phone on.
I'm sorry you are afraid of him. What a bastard.
I put my phone in my bra, mind you I'm very busty you wouldn't know.
I hope you can get further help.

When you have the means to leave and have children it’s unforgivable to keep them in that situation.

There comes the patronising stuff. It takes more guts to leave a bad marriage than to stay in one.

After divorce, most women have a clear idea about what to avoid, a massive antena to identify red flags and the knowledge that they will cope if they walk away when a relationship is turning toxic.

Some are so damaged by their marriage, they will never be able to have another relationship. Most women who are likely to fall into an abusive relationship never manage to leave their abusive marriage, they stay put.

If we want to get more women to leave abusive relationships, the first thing we have to remove is the stupid stigma that society puts on women who have the courage to leave and try to rebuild their lives

@UmbrellaEllaEllaElla

Well said.
"Never give all the heart" (WB Yeats)

Do not have children without a marriage

I would have the caveat; unless you have more assets than him.

Otherwise he's taking potentially half of them because you married him.

@StrawberryDream24 agree.
The aforementioned BFF is currently in love with a chap decades younger than her. She's to inherit. A lot.
Another friends DH left after ten years. A long game, but he's thick enough not to block his SM posts regarding his new life. Lots of holidays.

I love my DH but I would not marry again. I don't hate men but I don't like most of them. I'd rather have a dog.

You're right this thread will solve it. Women who are being beaten and isolated and psychologically abused will read this and suddenly realise they 'need to make a plan'.
Patronising

@leia24 It certainty won’t solve it. But I’m all in favour of telling women again and again and again that any abuse and violence is wrong and that they could live a different life if they left, with support. You never know who could be waiting for a ‘sign’ that day or who needs to hear it. Plus as women we are socialised into just ‘putting up’ with shitty behaviour so I like to think a different narrative rebels against that misogynistic nonsense.

The threads where women support women to leave abusive men, particularly when the OP comes back to update, brings out the best in MN I think.

I don't understand people like you.

You see at least 2 or 3 posts like this on every thread about abusive relationships.

It's as though you're trying to shut the threads down, and prevent the women to whom they might be useful, from reading them.

Why would you do that?

Yep. My best mate was crying yesterday over some fuckwit that treats her like absolute shit - doesn't matter how many times l tell her, she just won't see he's not worth it.

Exactly 👏👏

Shouldn't need to be said really.

This is not my thread but this is not about the OP patronising other women. It's meant to be helpful. The last few weeks on munsnet there have been truly horrific stories of abuse including one yesterday of a women being thrown around by her teacher husband.
My boyfriend before my DH raped me and tried to strangle me. I reported him. Times were different but I always wondered what happened to him. He had all the behaviour of a psychopath.
My DS is in Westminster and it is very much on the agenda for the police to help women. We also have to help ourselves. A skint mother is better than a dead one.
Domestic violence is a coward's mo and should carry a custodial sentence always. No access.

I read this today and wondered if they'd ever been on here.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c05pv0yy5y3o

Oh piss off.

There can’t be too many threads about this. I found Mumsnet really helpful even though it took me 10 years to leave! Helped me focus and understand what I needed to do when it became possible.
If you’re here a lot you may think this is done to death but there is always a new batch of abused women who may be visiting the site for the first time. They also need the repeated advice, the support and a copy of the script!

I hesitate to post this, as it’s not my situation to share, but if it helps one wavering person decide to get out, it’ll be worth it.

One of DM’s friends was hit by her husband early in their marriage. He proceeded to abuse her for the next sixty years. Not a typo, sixty years. She did try to leave a couple of times, but somehow got drawn back in. That unspeakable shit ruined her life. He finally died, thank fuck, but by then, friend’s health (I suspect both mental and physical) was shot. Oh, and they had three daughters, all of whom married absolute shits of men.

Nobody should go through what DM’s friend went through. Abusive men will never change, never stop, they only up the ante as time goes by. If you’re with one, please make plans to get out.

Exactly, they don't need sarcasm or people pretending the OP (or anyone) is saying that leaving is 'simple'.

It does make me wonder what those poster's agendas are.

"It does make me wonder what those posters' agendas are "

These posters who go against the theme of the thread are probably men, or trolls, or both. there are lots of misogynists out there, trying their best to gaslight and minimise things. Don't take them on, just ignore, and if they are offensive, report.

Until I joined Mumsnet, I thought being chased around our flat by my screaming husband was a tolerable level of marital discord. Until I got exposed to the high standards of many of the women on here, I didn't know they were standards you could expect to be met.

I also remember reading for the first time on here that you could leave your partner for any reason you liked, and that really blowing my mind.

If you grow up in an abusive household and you don't have emotionally mature parents, it's very easy to end up in an abusive marriage which seems still, somehow, calmer and more secure than your childhood.

I'm divorced now and in therapy, due at least in part to these forums.

@ShortyShorts i think they are either men or they think the believe they have no choice.
My BFF was in hospital and had broken her ankle in multiple places. Her partner was pressing her morphine drive! At this time she loved him. She knocked my door six months pregnant and bruised all over her bump as he'd kicked her.
My retired copper mother moved her. Sadly she went back and it took her another eight years to leave. I went to court for her and I'd do it again. If I wasn't so old and disabled I'd be a politician just to campaign against these shits.
We need many voices to stop these people. I've never been scared in my life but I've lost my strength due to illness. I'm vulnerable but I would always advocate for women to gather their strength. We are stronger than we know.

I was one of the 'not realising how bad it really was' ones. Then when I did, I couldn't work out how to leave without it getting even worse. In the end, the decision was made for me, and it did get worse as his behaviour through the divorce was appalling. However, the relief I felt at being released more than compensated for that.

I also urge any woman in this position to seek help, you are not alone. It is not easy, but it is so worthwhile. A lot of us understand what it is to be abused and we do not judge, but we will try to help and support you.

As a social worker who has largely worked in child protection and now in family courts I still to this day shocked by the number of men that target vulnerable single mothers and vulnerable young women. If anyone is not sure what to do or whether they are in an abusive relationship then look up women’s aid… and the power and control wheel
www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/

Absolutely agree, OP and thanks for bringing this to light, especially when there are innocent kids involved!

But what causes shitty men? Is it shitty parenting from when they were growing up? Did they not receive enough love from primary care giver so don't know how to love? Were their parents always angry/dismissive/drunk etc?

I'm not making excuses btw, but people aren't born shitty!

To those of you who are experiencing this, I really hope that you are able to come through it and can receive all the help and support you need ❤️

Very good advice from WB Yeats. If you trust someone totally & unconditionally that (potentially) gives them total & unconditional power over you.
Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Women need to be more like men, push for control from the kick off & be strategic.