This thread has bothered me since earlier today (well, yesterday). Checking in again now and seeing some predictable and frustrating responses.
Women who insightfully highlight that certain sentiments on the thread may serve to compound shame and to simplify or minimise the issues faced by women in abusive relationships are not 'men' or 'trolls' or 'misogynists' trying to shut anything down. More likely, they are women who are contributing professional or lived experience, and who understand all the subtleties, complexities and dangers inherent in remaining in and extricating oneself and one's children from an abusive relationship.
A woman leaving a partner who is likely to get some portion of joint custody (the burden of evidence required to prevent access altogether is significant and often not attainable) is facing the reality of her children being cared for, unsupervised, by her manipulative, aggressive, coercive, dominant, neglectful or even violent ex-partner. She is facing harm to herself, her children, her property and reputation (professional reputational damage is a recognised lever for revenge as abusive exes make vexatious complaints or claims to professional bodies and insurers, trash online reviews, sabotage contracts and contacts, and force women to max out on time off work as they crash contact arrangements, leaving her vulnerable at a time when she, more than ever, needs to be able to rely on her capacity to provide for herself and her DC).
Women who leave abusive relationships have statistically tried to leave multiple times prior to the time when they are able to finally leave. They will have planned, thought, reached out, enquired, researched, saved; done all the right things. Only for something to happen which makes it too risky to follow through. Working with women in crisis, I know that when a woman says that her spouse or partner will make her life difficult, or come after her, she rarely says those things frivolously. She'll know precisely what he's capable of, and will have deemed the stakes too high.
So yes, let's encourage women who are on this very arduous journey, but please, until DV services and children's services, local authorities, banks, employers, housing associations, benefits agencies, police and the judiciary actively run toward those among us who need them, less of the 'unforgiveable', 'parents' choice', 'both parents', 'so many women', 'running out of patience with', 'abusers of the future' etc. If you're good, then count your blessings and afford the next woman her dignity and good grace and amplify the work of those who specialise in women's services through donations and signposting.