AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

[Merryoldgoat]

I know divorce isn’t easy.
I know that abuse is hard and dangerous to extricate yourself from.
I know that your self esteem might be in the toilet.

But for the love of god please make plans so this is the last Christmas you are the only one with no gifts, had all of your hard work denigrated, your cooking sneered at, your appearance criticised and so on.

No one has a perfect relationship, but it’s perfectly possible to have a relationship without any of the above, and no relationship is better than a shit one.

Life is hard anyway. Don’t let it be harder than necessary.

My mum put up with a shitty relationship for 20 years. Then when she was finally ready to think about leaving she died. Years of knowing it was shit, wishing she could escape, putting up with the criticism and when she’d finally decided it was too late.

For you and your children if you have them, make a plan.

I was shocked at the number of women reporting shithead husband behaviour.

This is why women need to ensure they are solvent. Don't rely on men for anything, most of them are selfish pricks.

Absolutely.

Wish I'd left earlier.

Hear hear OP!

I’m glad you all took it as intended - I didn’t want it to sound like I was victim blaming obviously - it’s just awful reading what some women’s lives are.

I think what’s worse is some don’t seem to realise how awful it is.

Not realising is a big one.
So often, someone comes on here saying 'I have this one problem, please help.'
Then it gradually turns out her whole life is awful because of a selfish/nasty/lazy/cheating bloke who she'd be better off without.

100% this

I was thinking exactly the same thing, after reading a couple of very depressing threads about awful husbands. It's worst of all when he's done such a number on the OP that she genuinely doesn't know how abnormal her life is and thinks she's being unreasonable.

It has truly been a year of violent, abusive partner stories on MN (I say partners because they usually haven't married the OP).
I've frequently wanted to get in my car and go to help other women.
We don't seem to be making progress as women. When I read the toxic behaviour that is everywhere including business forums I get very angry. How do we change this?
I'm glad I've be married a long time to a decent man and I'm super glad I'm retiring next year otherwise I might turn into a vigilante.

@FictionalCharacter @Mrsredlipstick

I agree with you both. And it is everywhere.

I think that it’s undeniable also that children growing up in these environments will be damaged by what they see and hear throughout their childhood.

There is such a massive amount of work to do - it feels insurmountable 😔

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Hear, hear

May I just add

if your partner is becoming a shit the minute you are pregnant or have a baby, doesn't support you then, doesn't take your side against in-laws from hell who think they have some kind of "right" over your baby

it won't get better

Start thinking about moving then, take all the time you need, but be clear that's it, it will never get better with him

Agreed in principle of course, but really you can't lecture women unless you're prepared to do something about the practicalities.

Where are they supposed to go? Womens refuges are desperately underfunded, we have a crisis of inequality meaning housing is restricted and unaffordable, retraining requires getting into debt, much work available is poorly paid and the benefits system is a shambles.

So unless you are prepared to open your homes, donate, or campaign for left wing policies, can I suggest you don't harangue the victims?

@Summerhillsquare

Harangue? How exactly? Asking them to make a plan is not haranguing.

YANBU

And for the love of God, once they have found the strength to leave, let them spend a few years enjoying their own company/their DC's company, before moving another man into the family home.

So many women bounce from one abusive relationship into another one, and the kids get dragged along for the ride.

It's perfectly possible to date without moving in together.

I also think it's a good reminder to women entering new relationships: keep your friends, your family, your own source of money, savings etc. Some women give up these things or have a partner who slowly separates them from these things. Never make your relationship or marriage your everything - keep connected to people, keep a source of income.

No it isn't romantic to live off a man. If he changes or if you want to leave, it will be game over.

I agree but understand it can be very difficult. However the ones who suffer the most are the kids. They get one childhood and both parents are equally responsible for ensuring that it is a safe one.

I left an abusive marriage mid twenties, I had 2 young children, and my self-esteem was underground, I was like a lost small child.

But I did it, and if you are in a situation like this, YOU CAN TOO.

Reach out to women's aid, your health visitor, your midwife, gp, local services, the police. They are there to help you.

You will be better one day, you are stronger than you think. A better life is out there for you.

Yes, or "He's an amazing father".

When will women realise that an amazing father does NOT treat the mother of his kids like shit?

And that kicking a ball around a park now and then, or sticking a few nuggets in the air fryer, does not an amazing father make.

Well said@Merryoldgoat
Generally speaking men will exploit you if they have any leverage over you, never let them have the upper hand.

Completely agree OP. The behaviour of a lot of the partners and husbands on recent thread is disgusting. Makes me realise I’m lucky with DH but also like to think I wouldn’t put up with the immature and horrible way some of these men treat their partners.

I also think some single mothers would do well to remember, "No-one falls in love faster than a man with no home".

This is so true. They often hone in on single mothers, love bomb them and their children, feed them a story about their 'crazy ex'.

Then once their feet are under the table (especially when there's a new baby on its way), that's when their true colours very often come out.

It's so hard though.

I feel like i'm the one about the break up my family, despite the fact that it's him who has checked out, and I'm doing all the work at home, working outside the home and 100% of the Christmaswork.

I learnt far, far too late, once my money was gone, once I was far from my own home and friends, and I was sahm with the kids for a few years, now I'm working but my career is way behind because I was carrying, nursing, raising the littles. I'll get back on track, but im like a frantic little salmon swimming upstream.

This....always !

"No-one falls in love faster than a man with no home".

Damn! 🔥

My ex wasn't abusive but he was a lazy waster who, after 15yrs of being a good family man, checked out of family life and didn't give me or his kids the time of day. I put up with this for 4 yrs because I wanted to keep my family together. I was also scared to be left on my own with 4 children. So I stayed hoping he would change back to the man i once knew. He didn't.

Finally getting the courage to end the relationship was the best thing I ever did. I'm happier than ive been in years. I never realised how much that relationship was dragging me down until I left.

For anyone scared to make the leap, Honestly life is better on your own than with someone who treats you with contempt.