AIBU to ask all the women on here with shitty nasty partners and husbands to really think about how they can escape them as soon as possible?

[Merryoldgoat]

I know divorce isn’t easy.
I know that abuse is hard and dangerous to extricate yourself from.
I know that your self esteem might be in the toilet.

But for the love of god please make plans so this is the last Christmas you are the only one with no gifts, had all of your hard work denigrated, your cooking sneered at, your appearance criticised and so on.

No one has a perfect relationship, but it’s perfectly possible to have a relationship without any of the above, and no relationship is better than a shit one.

Life is hard anyway. Don’t let it be harder than necessary.

My mum put up with a shitty relationship for 20 years. Then when she was finally ready to think about leaving she died. Years of knowing it was shit, wishing she could escape, putting up with the criticism and when she’d finally decided it was too late.

For you and your children if you have them, make a plan.

I just wanted to add aswell- it's often not one single swift movement like everything is gone, suddenly, but rather little, little increments where things that seem inconsequential disappear so slowly but suddenly you look back, you have no idea how you got where you are now. (And it seems impossible to extricate yourself and your young kids)

Yes this happened to me. I was vulnerable and stupid. I was a perfect target and when he realised I had a decent background, I became his "pension" (his words). We are divorced after the last OW came with a big insurance payout because her husband was killed mere months previously and off he fucked. I am a terrible judge of character and I learned a very hard lesson. Never again. I cringe when I read people on here doing the same and being as blind as I was.

The way I survived in an abusive relationship was by not seeing how bad it was. Your thread may be well intentioned but it really isn’t that easy.

I very clearly said I know it’s not easy.

And I’m not really especially well-intentioned.

Other women being miserable doesn’t affect me - I’m in a completely non-abusive relationship with an equal partner. I’m fine.

I’m just saying that if you’re in an untenable position make a plan.

Yes! I'm so wary about meeting people as a single mother - if I'm on dating apps, I never say I have a child, and don't mention her till we've been on a couple of dates. I've dated and had casual relationships since me and her dad split up a few years ago, but none of them have met her. IF I was in a serious relationship, I'd introduce them at some point, but I'm not looking to live with anyone!

A friend is a police officer working in child protection. Over and over she says abusive men target vulnerable single mothers. It’s hideous - vile fucking men.

Often easier said than done to 'just leave' when there is nowhere to go, no support network, no money often because of financial abuse and/or no job.

Yes, and the children who have been harmed by these men, make only a tiny fraction of what we read in the news.

It normally takes a death before it's reported.

Meanwhile there'll be millions of kids for whom the mental damage caused by their parent's choice of relationship(s), will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Good job that’s not what she said then. No one says it’s easy. But staying isn’t easy either. She said it’s wise to make a plan.

I often wonder if a lot of these men are deliberately vile to get kicked out because they can't cope with being a dad or have another woman in the background and then go round with a tiny violin telling everyone how he was thrown out .

It looks better than HIM walking out on his family and neighbours, family , friends and colleagues thinking what a shit he is for leaving .

Also then can then run back to his parents who will put them up because they were thrown out . If he told them he just up and left they would send him back home to his wife and family.

There are some devious and manipulative people out there .

Very good!
👍👏

Yeah...
Jog on, mate 😆

And those children are sadly tomorrow's abusers and abused because of the modelling they see.

My late mother was a police officer working in DV.
Her advice:
have your own money always.
Do not have children without a marriage. Make sure you leave immediately if you are subject to violence.

My BFF was targeted by a divorced dad living with his parents. He took her house, he's still in it. She left in in 2006. He nearly killed her.
Ive know four other friends and my sister be targeted for their houses. All the men follow the same method, love bomb, move in, do fuck all.
Some claim suicidal thoughts if you ask them to leave, others violence. Or they cut off the women's friends who try to warn her.
My sister had to buy her own Christmas dinner yesterday her husband paid for his and his mum's. His reasoning? She's a chef and should have been putting his dinner on the table. Arse hole.

Totally agree, OP but I also agree with the above.

My personal thing is, I only have two children and I often look at women with 3+ and think how much harder it would he to leave with a lot of children.

I never voice it but its what I always think when women post and are pregnant or want to be pregnant with their 5th. I suppose it's not something you think about when your relationship is/feels stable but I always makes me feel a little bit anxious and I have a feeling of that's a lot of children to leave with if it should ever become necessary.

It's also a LOT easier to do when your baby is in utero!

Or tomorrow's victims.

Oh I see you said that. I don't have my glasses on! 🙄

VAWG is a worldwide public health issue and really needs to be treated as such. The causes behind violent male behaviour need to be focused on more (rather than victim blaming) and eradicated. Obviously this is very complex but efforts and funding and resources need to go into this, rather than victim-blaming pseudo initiatives.

There needs to be more support for women too, whilst acknowledging this is not the solution to the problem. All women in abusive relationships should receive full support to be able to safety leave - including psychological and financial support. It is nowhere near as simple as ‘just leave’ especially when services designed to support women are chronically underfunded. There is still so much stigma and ignorance around abusive relationships, which I read on MN frequently, that serves as a barrier to women seeking help as they feel shamed and doubt their experiences.

I am away with my children for Christmas. Staying next door to the hotel I stayed in 10 years ago on honeymoon. That week was the first week my (now ex) husband started to criticise me and be aggressive. We’ve been free of him for several years now and we are all happy. We have no contact with him (protected by the family court - for all the bad press it gets it can work sometimes)

I don’t know why people seem to think I’m advocating ‘just leave’ when I’m very clearly not.

I agree @Plastictrees

Ultimately we need to get boys and men to do and be better and we need women to expect to be treated well and to advocate for themselves.

But most importantly children need to know what a healthy relationship looks like and that is hard when they grow up with the toxicity they are constantly exposed to.

Thank you OP. My marriage is going down the toilet, DH is verbally (but not physically) abusive and is deeply ashamed of having an autistic, SEN child. However, my mother is dying and my child is very disabled and unable to cope with change. I have no family apart from DM and I can’t bring everything crashing down when she and DS are so vulnerable. But reading this thread has made me think and hope that one day I might be able to change things. 💐

Agreed - it's much better to be on your own than in a bad relationship.
I have friends though who simply can't imagine not being in a relationship.
I'm more than happy on my own when I'm in between relationships and I wonder whether that's why I'm less likely to put up with a shit relationship.

I agree. I got away from my abuser when pregnant as I knew if I had the baby I would be stuck with him. I think that’s it, a lot of people stay because they have kids and then when they kids grow up, they still continue to stay because they don’t know life any different - they don’t want to change the life that they’ve known practically their entire lives.

My advice would be to ensure you have a support network around you, family friends and if that’s not possible - there’s so many charities, shelters, help in the community. The police is the first person you need to contact if you are worried about your safety. And stay strong. I remember so many times I tried to leave and I just wasn’t strong enough, he had gaslit me to believe that I was always the problem and once I shook that mentality and realised no, it was HIM - I started to collect evidence to prove I wasn’t crazy. I started to construct a plan and I knew I was going to stick to it. Even after I stuck to it, I still hesitated about going back but I because I had a good support network who would have never allowed me to do that - that’s why I never went back.

you will heal, you will get your spark back, you will thrive and know that you are worthy.

@Merryoldgoat and that was the main reason I got out. I didn’t want my children to grow up thinking that shouting, belittling and treating your spouse with contempt is normal.

I do understand this. But at the same time Women's Aid have told me I don't have enough evidence beyond he said she said of his verbal aggressive behaviour, ie shouting and swearing is happening with the frequency it is to stop him being awarded overnight contact. So I would be leaving my little ones to be bathed and put to bed by a short tempered shouty scary man who can suddenly turn into a comedian and bring the fun like it's never happened. There will no protection for them at all.

@Merryoldgoat Absolutely, also my post wasn’t aimed at you just to clarify - there have just been far too many victim blaming threads on here recently. Or rather, threads that turn into victim blaming.