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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my family don't know me?

175 replies

spottykimchi · 25/12/2024 21:07

Gifts from 6 people. Each one got me chocolate or bubble bath.

That's it.

That's what I'm reduced to. I got thought out gifts for everyone and in return..generic chocolate and bubble bath. I don't even have baths.

Aibu to just return the favour next year?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 26/12/2024 17:33

Next year write a wish list and circulate it. I don't live near my family and am not familiar with their day to day activities, so I either ask for a wish list or we have a weekend together at the end of November to visit Christmas markets and buy each other's presents taking their wishes into consideration. It works well for us.

I think that unless you live with someone it isn't always easy to work out exactly what people want.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 26/12/2024 17:52

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 17:07

Yes I do.

Have you done it/them for many years or are they recent things you've taken up?

I cook/bake but because it's a thing I've been doing for around 15 years, there's very little you could buy me as a reasonably priced gift that I'd actually need. I wouldn't use a lot of stuff that would relate to it that's in a "gift" range.

I garden, but again I have my tools and my garden is pretty mature, so unless you asked me whether there was anything for it I wanted, you'd risk getting something that wouldn't suit.

I read a lot but, again, unless you asked me, you'd likely buy me a book I have or have already read.

We walk, but unless you want to buy me a new pair of hiking boots or a coat, not much related to it.

Unless you're really vocal about your hobbies and interests, or it's something like knitting where some really nice wool would be an easy enough safe gift, people tend to shy away from wasting their money on things you don't need / have in duplicate.

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 18:18

lionloaf · 26/12/2024 17:19

lol sounds like you were lucky you got anything at all!

Because I don't like sitting around in a bath all day eating chocolate?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2024 18:24

Your husband bought you two boxes of chocolates and that’s it?

How are people living in relationships like this?? It’s hideous.

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 18:25

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2024 18:24

Your husband bought you two boxes of chocolates and that’s it?

How are people living in relationships like this?? It’s hideous.

Yes
That's it

He also bought me from my little one... a box of m&s chocolate

And from the step kids.....drum roll... Ferrero rocher

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 26/12/2024 18:29

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 18:25

Yes
That's it

He also bought me from my little one... a box of m&s chocolate

And from the step kids.....drum roll... Ferrero rocher

So, four boxes of chocolates and that's it?

That's really shit OP. Sorry Flowers

Dollshousedolly · 26/12/2024 18:45

I think you need your chat to your DH and say no more chocolate as gifts and suggest you send him a list 6 weeks before your birthday and Christmas of what you would like. Even if you know someone really hard, it can be difficult to think up of gifts. But going into a shop and picking three boxes of chocolate is thoughtless.

For me, I wouldn’t particularly appreciate chocolates as a main gift, definitely not anything with Mum or any twee message written on it. No to clothes too. If I wanted jewellery, I might suggest that but go with my DH to the jewellers to select something.

My list to DH would consist of very nice shower gel/body wash and body lotion in certain scents, books and more books, maybe a few items relating to my hobby, perfume, a bag, a purse, etc. If I want something, I tend to buy it myself so am definitely hard to buy for really so lists do help.

For my children, from a very young age, we’d each take them shopping for a gift for Mum or Dad. These gifts would not be expensive at all - it could a book, a magazine, or something they a took notion that me or he would like. When they were very young, it was often a bar of chocolate. It would be something they picked themselves and to a child’s ‘budget’, in or around £10.

HopingForTheBest25 · 26/12/2024 18:49

Some of these replies are a bit harsh - it's not unreasonable to want to be seen, particularly by one's own husband and family!

It's really not that hard for a husband to notice what beauty brands his wife likes and to buy her something from that range. Or to just put a little thought into something she might find useful or enjoy or wouldn't buy for herself but would appreciate.

Particularly if said wife has made sure that every other bugger gets carefully thought out gifts.

It really is setting the bar exceptionally low to tell a woman yo just be grateful for essentially going seen as everyone else's support human and not worthy of even the smallest amount of thought about her as an individual!

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 26/12/2024 18:58

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/12/2024 22:45

I agree with a PP . If I saw someone with sore hands the last thing I would get them is hand cream incase it made it worse. And I know my DH well but I don't necessarily know what he has and hasn't got relating to his interests. Or what is the best stuff to get so I wouldn't know if he needed say a driver or a putter if he was into golf or whether there was a make that was his favourite or any other thing about it. But I do know he eats chocolate and uses deodorant so Dairy Milk and Lynx is a safe but boring option

But you could buy him a gift voucher for the retailer where he buys his fishing/golfing/cycling gear from, as well as more generic gifts.

TrueFashion · 26/12/2024 19:03

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 18:25

Yes
That's it

He also bought me from my little one... a box of m&s chocolate

And from the step kids.....drum roll... Ferrero rocher

OP, the bar is low on MN. There are many here who don’t think adults should get gifts or celebrate birthdays etc. You are lucky to even have a husband, and even more lucky to have one who buys you a box of chocolates etc etc. It’s amusing and unlike anything I see in my life.

Whichever way you look at it, generic chocolates are indeed a thoughtless gift from your husband.

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2024 19:24

Agree with @TrueFashion

It is easy to buy gifts for someone you love.

spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 19:26

biscuitsandbooks · 26/12/2024 18:29

So, four boxes of chocolates and that's it?

That's really shit OP. Sorry Flowers

My sister got me bubble bath. My mum got me bubble bath.

OP posts:
spottykimchi · 26/12/2024 19:26

TrueFashion · 26/12/2024 19:03

OP, the bar is low on MN. There are many here who don’t think adults should get gifts or celebrate birthdays etc. You are lucky to even have a husband, and even more lucky to have one who buys you a box of chocolates etc etc. It’s amusing and unlike anything I see in my life.

Whichever way you look at it, generic chocolates are indeed a thoughtless gift from your husband.

Thank you

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 26/12/2024 19:57

If some of the gifts are from teen DC then a sit down talk about what present giving ought to involve is in order because this is a life lesson and as a parent that’s your job. But next year I think you should reciprocate in kind for any of the adults.

I have mentioned this in many threads, but I’ll do it again here. My DH became a pretty poor gift giver for several years when the kids were small. He bought me things I already had, or tat that was late or generic or clearly a last minute rush job. He put no effort in with gifts from the kids, even though he loved the gifts I got for him from them. A typical Christmas - he put his present to me under the tree, clearly 3 books, individually wrapped. Then when I put his under that included several gifts to him from our kids, he took the books back and relabeled them, one from him and one from each of the kids. They were books related to a course I was doing but he hadn’t talked to me about them or the course. I had them all already - they were sat downstairs on the table next to the tree.

Birthdays were no better and several times he suggested we postpone celebrating until the weekend and it was clear it was because he hadn’t gotten anything yet. He would ask what I wanted to do to celebrate a few days hand and when it was too late to book into anything particularly celebratory, or get a babysitter (which he would expect me to organize), etc.

This was in contrast to the effort I put into his Christmas and birthday gifts, many of which he was still using years later. E.g. the year he got me the 3 books I already had I took the DC to the shops to choose his and then spent an afternoon having them decorate one bit - a t-shirt he wears to this day.

It made me really resentful. Eventually I realised I was so pissed off about it I needed to change things so I just stopped trying for him. I phoned it in. I wasn’t deliberately bad about things but I just stopped caring and putting thought in. Bought him generic socks and boxers for Christmas. Became very last minute so when I did order something they sometimes didn’t have quite the right size/colour/etc. or arrived late, his favourite restaurants wouldn’t have availability so we’d have to go local. And so on. I didn’t phone it in with the kids because, as I say above, I think part of parenting is teaching them how to be nice to people important in their lives, but everything from me became perfunctory.

It worked two fold. It stopped me being resentful. I put the effort I had been putting into his birthday into my own. Booked up the restaurant I wanted months in advance. Planned a day out with friends, etc. And after a couple of years he seemed to wake up to it and started to put some effort into what he got me. It reflected wider issues in our marriage which, having gone through a low point started to improve in many ways. So it might not have just been about my doing to him what he did to me. But I think it contributed. I could see he was quite disappointed the second Christmas when he got boxers and socks again (I think he’d bought be a box of some of his favourite chocolates that year).

Now he’s a great gift giver again and we both put thought and effort into making the other feel special.

So I certainly think it’s worth mirroring the effort others display. Even if it doesn’t change their behaviour, you will likely feel less resentful.

RampantIvy · 26/12/2024 23:45

It's really not that hard for a husband to notice what beauty brands his wife likes and to buy her something from that range.

DH doesn't have a clue what I buy. He just doesn't notice stuff like that. BUT, he is open about it and says that I need to tell him what I would like. He genuinely wants to get me nice presents, but needs help.

Disclaimer: his memory has been affected by a stroke and he has ADHD.

CulturalNomad · 26/12/2024 23:53

DH doesn't have a clue what I buy. He just doesn't notice stuff like that

My husband gave me a gorgeous designer handbag for Christmas. The problem is....It's the exact same bag I carry almost every single day! 😂
And he was so proud of himself😂😂

spirooh · 27/12/2024 00:09

spottykimchi · 25/12/2024 21:25

And no you don't have to use words. You can observe. You can think oh that person seems to enjoy baking ill get them something baking related. Their hands look sore ill get them hand cream. They always have nice candles on display so ill get them a nice candle. Dad likes whiskey and make note of the type you see him drinking. Those are the gifts that mean the most. When you NOTICE.

I have this affliction. I notice things. Which translates to me only buying things for people that I think they'll like. I can never buy a gift for the sake of it. This means I lose hours and hours of my life picking the "perfect" gift for someone. Granted, they may not be perfect for them, it's purely my interpretation of what's perfect based on what I know and the money I have available.

I realised last night that I need to stop. I made sure my kids had the perfect presents from my parents, as did my husband. I also got my brother's gifts from them. Then bought my dad's gift from my mum. Plus, I bought gifts for my mum. I also bought hundreds of pounds of essentials for my mum (who is in a nursing home). Some of which my dad decided to gift my mum for Christmas as he didn't know what else to get her. I told my brother what to get my husband and my kids. He asked for help with mum and dad's.

What did I get? Nothing worth mentioning. It doesn't have to be a lot money, but I'd like something with a bit of thought. A bunch of flowers, or a voucher for a massage. Something that showed I'm appreciated, or worth thinking about for more than 5 seconds.

Skate76 · 27/12/2024 08:59

I solved this problem by giving my DH a list of the things I want. He's tried to go 'off list ' a few times but it never works out so he sticks to it now 💐

Gingerbreadloony · 27/12/2024 09:06

Skate76 · 27/12/2024 08:59

I solved this problem by giving my DH a list of the things I want. He's tried to go 'off list ' a few times but it never works out so he sticks to it now 💐

This! My husband goes off piste and it rarely works out well, he’s just not very imaginative. So I send him links to what I’d like and he chooses from the list and we’re all happy. I’d be absolutely raging to get four boxes of chocolates from my closest relatives and family, it shows zero thought whatsoever!

curious79 · 27/12/2024 09:12

I get that you want people to ‘notice’ but clearly they’re not. Personally I think next year you need to create a list of suggested items and give it to your husband and one other person who might do something with it. You can say to your husband something about failing to notice etc - be a bit pointy and disappointed.
I’d be disappointed with Milk Tray - I’m more William Curly or Alain Ducasse - but others love it.

HellofromJohnCraven · 27/12/2024 09:27

With dh be as direct as you need. Let go of 'he should know". He clearly doesn't and would like to get you something good that you would like.
I take dh out and literally point at what I like and have been known to take a photo. Literally life is too short.
For everyone else, send a specific link. This year I did paperback books. I fund people are happy to get what you want, if they know what it is.

HellofromJohnCraven · 27/12/2024 09:31

@spiroo that was me when my kids were younger! It was like I became present central/the feckin Oracle.
Now 2 out of 3 kids are adults I gradually stopped. It's bliss. People get what they get. It's for them to own.

RampantIvy · 27/12/2024 09:34

Let go of "he should know". He clearly doesn't

I agree. Some people are simply more observant than others. DH is on a different planet most of the the time. He jst doesn't notice the world around him. That doesn't just apply to presents, but life in general.

batshitaboutcatshit · 27/12/2024 09:52

RampantIvy · 27/12/2024 09:34

Let go of "he should know". He clearly doesn't

I agree. Some people are simply more observant than others. DH is on a different planet most of the the time. He jst doesn't notice the world around him. That doesn't just apply to presents, but life in general.

This sounds exactly like my DH. He absolutely needs a list!

smellsfishy · 27/12/2024 10:30

I'd be pissed off to receive nothing but chocs from DH. It seems lazy and thoughtless, although perhaps it is a "can't go wrong with chocs" thought. Sorry your DH didn't take more care over you, or ask if he didn't know.

My DH has got me some rogue things over the years - but had tried hard, even though I've had the "why on earth would you think I'd want this?" thought. This year I was very specific about things I would like, seems to have paid off!

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