To think my family don't know me?

[spottykimchi]

Gifts from 6 people. Each one got me chocolate or bubble bath.

That's it.

That's what I'm reduced to. I got thought out gifts for everyone and in return..generic chocolate and bubble bath. I don't even have baths.

Aibu to just return the favour next year?

Oh that is so thoughtless of him.

I can see why you are upset about your DH, did he really only get you a box of milk tray? What did you get him?

Typically, a partner has known you longer than your children, and immediate family like parents and siblings typically have known you for longer than your partner.

It’s bare minimum to know what people you care for like even more so if you’ve known them for years.

If they actually like chocolate and bubble bath or a mug and hand cream it isn’t a cop out.

You don’t have to be a mind reader to be observant or to simply admit you’re unsure what to get them and ask the person themselves or ask someone that does know them better than you if you can’t fathom asking them instead of using “I’m not a mind reader”.

Sorry you're getting a hard time OP.
I think it's completely understandable that you're disappointed with the lack of effort from your DH.

MN can be a bit odd about presents and celebrations but in the real world it's hurtful when those we care about make very little effort.

This is why I don’t buy for adults. Kids are grateful for what they get, but adults are becoming so entitled and quick to be insulted by someone spending their money on them.

I agree chocolates and bubble bath aren't very inspired so I was with you until you said you got yourself handcream which is in the same bracket only less useful imo!

You've said checking what whiskey someone likes and getting them a bottle so a great present but to me that's incredibly dull and predictable so maybe you aren't the great gift buyer you think you are?

No hints. Tell people (I mean your husband) what you want. Give options. Just say "I'd like XYZ for Christmas please".

What you think are hints other people will miss. So just be clear on things you'd like. You can't be disappointed then, unless you're outright ignored, in which case you have a different problem.

Thing is, though, I prefer chocolate or bath stuff for gifts if people MUST buy me stuff (I avoid gift exchanging generally, but there are some people who love gifting so much that it's really hard to get them to stop) because I will actually use them or can offer them to friends if they are not to my taste, and they are consumables, so there are no long term issues about storage or having to use them or display them to stop the giver from taking offense.

The last few "thoughtful" gifts I got were all wrong in subtle ways, so I will have to discreetly freecycle them and hope the giver doesn't find out.

Of course I acted thrilled when the gifts were given to me, as I can't face hurting friends' feelings. If you are someone who is very into "carefully choosing thoughtful gifts," your recipients will also be aware that this is something that matters to you, and will no doubt take care to coo enthusiastically over the things you give, but it's possible that some of your gifts also miss the mark.

Bottom line is, gifting among adults should really be by mutual consent, not the assumed default where we all end up having to buy 20 or more presents for all the ppl in our lives. And it's not a good idea to expect ppl to be mind readers.

And it's not a good idea to expect ppl to be mind readers.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your husband to put thought and effort into a present though. They should know you better than anyone and almost be at mind reading status!

I got given hand cream one year because the giver thought my hands looked dry. They were a bit, but I'm really sensitive to chemicals, so any generic hand cream is a bad gift for me.

I like baking, but if you buy me a baking related item, unless you've spoken to me about it, you'll be wasting your money because I have what I am likely to use.

Whiskey falls into the same bracket as chocolate for me. It's not had much thought behind it, it's a "quick" present. Unless it was asked for.

Candles, particularly scented or decorative, are personal taste so you risk getting it wrong.

Most people like chocolate, so if you're struggling with the cost of living they're a good token gift. Unlikely to be wasted. And many people are feeling the pinch.

Be grateful you got presents at all, and if you want your husband to do better, TELL HIM.

I'm another who isn't sure why bubble bath and chocolate is awful and generic, but hand cream and a "mum" mug is thoughtful?

They all sound like shit, generic presents to me.

MN definitely is.

To expect someone to know what you like after spending a lot of time with them is such a hardship.

I know what my parents like even my mother who I’m not close to. I see my DH about everyday and have done so for over a decade but by some of these posts, I shouldn’t expect him to know what I like. I shouldn’t expect him to walk around our house or listen to me and get an idea.

Exactly this. Ugh I hate the ‘thought that counts’ people. They’re always the ones who give rubbish gifts; so they don’t think much of the recipient then in that case? Such a cop out.

Can’t believe a PP said ‘maybe the giver had lots of other people to think about’ - ouch! Why can’t they think of OP too then?

Sorry you didn’t get anything nice OP!

I bought my DH chocolate for Christmas, as a token, because we've had huge outgoings this year. But I got him some we wouldn't usually buy because it's a bit more expensive.

I know what he likes, he knows what I like. But, in all honesty, across the year we just get the things we like/want/need. Which makes Christmas/birthdays etc more difficult because what do we want? So we do this bizarre thing that MN seems to be against. We ask each other what we'd like and we talk about the budget and we give each other ideas. And then, we get it right.

We just tell each other. This year we agreed no presents (again) and we both stuck to it, the day was no worse for it.

I know what you mean about the generic presents - my ex used to be a Christmas Eve in boots kind of guy and it used to frustrate me no end.

With my partner now, he was open about not being a good present buyer when we first met. I thought he'd change as he got to know me but he didn't.

It only took me one Christmas to realise that the only way I'm going to get something I want is to tell him outright or buy it myself so that's what I do. I don't mind at all as he was honest at the start that he's just not that person. He's great at everything else and will often buy me treats through the year.

This year we talked about it and decided that we were going to go on a short break in December instead of presents and that was perfect. Sunshine just before Christmas.

My point is that I've learned that you need to help some people out at Christmas. No amount of hints will help some people and expecting them to just notice just won't work for some.

Work with what you have ha ha

I get it - and a warning that the 'just make a list' crowd might not be as right as they want to be, either.

After literal decades of presents that were a waste of time and money, and with my 'D'H giving me panicky puppy eyes on the 15th Dec about 'not knowing what to get me' I redirected him to the Amazon list I've had in place for 8 years...

This includes a necklace (not at all expensive - less than £40) that I've wanted for a couple of years. I've shown him it 5 times, talked about it and it's the 1st thing on the list.

Yesterday, I got two accesory bits to another item on there, a set of earrings that were meant to go with the necklace but he's somehow selected the wrong colour anyway, and two other gifts.

Neither the necklace or the other 'proper' item - a set of gel nail polishes at £20 - made the cut.

For once, I asked why and it was because 'he wanted to buy me something he'd picked'.

Bought Christmas eve, this was a gift card for a clothes shop I've bought one item from ever - 5 years ago - and I'm in the middle of a significant weightless so I'm not buying 'new' clothes until likely April/May, which he knows, and two puzzle books - one of which he bought me last year, one of a type we had a conversation about me not liking last week.

He's spent far more money on those than he would have on buying the necklace. In fact, he could have bought the entire list and then some.

Side by side with having been off work for a week but still not done any of the house jobs I'd asked him to cover, so I was cleaning the kitchen at 1.30am Christmas morning, (and he's the part time worker in the house so these were jobs he should have been doing without me asking anyway as they're on 'his' list) and having sent our daughter to bed while I was wrapping his presents before we'd done any of our Christmas eve stuff - I didn't even get to say goodnight- Christmas was, once again, a lovely highlight that he's actually just another ineffectual, deadweight bloke who thinks mumbling 'I love you' several times a week makes up for never doing anything properly or with thought.

So, yes, Christmas presents do matter, and people do have the right to be upset. Stood alone, they aren't important, but they don't stand alone and they're often a very clear lens that highlights just how much the people who are closest to you neither know nor care.

'It's the thought that counts' - it's not tokenism, it's that it shouldn’t be too much to ask that a husband took the time, effort and care to listen, to notice, to register and remember, to give enough headspace and enough respect to spend half an hour once a year to get it vaguely right.

In my case, 15 minutes on Amazon and £75 would have left me delighted, even with him having completely failed to do any of the actual work or thought. Even that was too hard. He was still completely shocked and upset when I told him we're not bothering next year.

Sorry OP, I've only read your posts.

Are gifts a big thing in your family? Is gift giving different in your family than in your DH's?

On my side we cancelled presents between adults years ago, so my mum got bubble bath and chocolates from my kids - but she loves chocolate, and would never buy herself posh toiletries even though she likes them and can afford them.

DH's family does big presents but we pick them ourselves so I got a lovely handbag that I sent MIL the link to a few weeks ago.

No one things presents are a way to show how much we care about each other. We do have everyone's favourite drink in, served the starter FIL asked for etc.

If it's just about the gifts, you're probably reading more into it than anyone intended. Once you reach a point where everyone is financially secure and buys themselves whatever they want as a matter of course, presents become more about tokens IME.

Don’t bother dropping hints, they won’t listen.

Either tell each person specifically what you want or start matching their effort.

So whoever gave you bubble bath, gets bubble bath. And if they complain, remind them that’s what they gave you so you thought they liked it.

It’s pretty shit to get generic gifts from everyone, OP, so I can understand that feeling rather dismissive.

However, if your solution is “drop more hints” then I can understand it. Hints don’t work. They are rubbish. They are either so broad that you may as well just say “I would like this please?” or they are totally missed.

The kind of people who hint for what they want are the kind of people who are disappointed.

”For my birthday I’d like Chanel toiletries, books on Vietnamese cooking, thick socks for my hiking boots or tickets to see <event of your choice>”

Unless you are on the breadline, a box of Milk Tray from your husband is a shit gift. However sanctimonious people are, most would be disappointed with such a generic and thoughtless petrol station gift from their partner.

If your dh really did only buy you a box of Milk Tray, that really is shit. Have you talked to him about it?

I'm with you OP. It's more important to a relationship than people let on. Even after decades together and hustle and bustle of family life and shared finances, it hurts deep down if your partner has obviously made no effort to buy something that demonstrates they know your likes. And it's not all about passing on a list or telling them exactly what to buy. It's that they took some time where they were thinking exclusively about you to buy something for you that they know you would like. It's not that much to expect.

Right but they all got you the same thing so do you have any actual hobbies or interests? Beyond hand cream? Like do you do a sport or an activity or go places or do anything other than spending time with your child? If not, you need to give people a chance and tell them explicitly what you would like, otherwise chocolate and bath stuff is a pretty safe gift for a homebody.

Same here OP. My mother gave a regifted Dove set.(bashed box and sellotaped) a white fluffy/scratchy hat and scarve set from a charity shop i think, and a tube of toothpaste and a cheap wisdom toothbrush (for my holiday in 2 wks) - I chose gifts i know she likes but always get same random shite back every year. I have told her countless times i dont want anything but i get a bottle of cheap £1 shampoo or tat
Dh and DC made up for it though with lovely gifts. I just laugh now at me DMs efforts!! 😀