To think my family don't know me?

[spottykimchi]

Gifts from 6 people. Each one got me chocolate or bubble bath.

That's it.

That's what I'm reduced to. I got thought out gifts for everyone and in return..generic chocolate and bubble bath. I don't even have baths.

Aibu to just return the favour next year?

Adding to this, I've come to realise that you have to be quite open and forthright when it comes to gift wants, otherwise others will hang on to the slightest thing they've heard and get you that even if it was a throwaway comment from months back. Just think of your list and make it it known. I

And no you don't have to use words. You can observe. You can think oh that person seems to enjoy baking ill get them something baking related. Their hands look sore ill get them hand cream. They always have nice candles on display so ill get them a nice candle. Dad likes whiskey and make note of the type you see him drinking. Those are the gifts that mean the most. When you NOTICE.

Gift buying is just not a huge priority for many people. They might feel overwhelmed or legitimately clueless about what to buy for another adult. So they reach for nice chocolates or bath items figuring at least it's something you might use. It's not an insult.

When it comes to your husband why not be honest about what you'd really like?

Buying gifts for adults (other than a spouse) can be a minefield. You may put a lot of thought into gifts you select but I'm willing to bet half the time the recipient is wondering what the heck you were thinking.

That's how I choose gifts,I take notice of what dw uses and listen to her and I buy gifts for my side of the family..it's not difficult.

See I disagree with the hand cream fitting into this example. The candle example yes, the baking example yes. But “their hands look sore I’ll get them hand cream” as a Christmas present is like thinking “they’re very spotty I’ll get them some spot cream for Christmas”- you wouldn’t do it.

Hand cream isn’t an amazing present for the vast majority of people, if someone hadn’t specifically said they wanted some I really wouldn’t think of that as a gift for them because I actually think it could easily be taken the wrong way if they didn’t want some.

Whereas I might notice all those things but go:
Oh she likes baking. I bet she has everything she needs though because it's important to her.
Oh her hands look sore, people are picky about toiletries though. No idea if she'd like something expensive.
She likes candles. Bet she's been given loads over the years and would find that really unimaginative.
Shit. No idea what to get her.
It isn't straightforward and thank fuck I don't have to do it.

But then would you have complained 'they got me lavender hard cream don't they remember that at Christmas 1984 I told them I was allergic to lavender'

When people are present complainers they always seem to find something to complain about

Maybe they just didn't know what to buy you?
I do find gift buying very stressful.

Neither I or my DP bought any xmas gifts this year there was just nothing I or he actually wanted! If there was we would have both happily shopped. It felt less stressful and we have decided to book a show/weekend away or something to do at least every quarter this year as we never seem to get around to doing stuff for us. two are booked already.

I think I will also make a note this year when I see something I really like.

I hope you enjoy the hand cream.

I think this is what places like mumsnet are for though - being able to get off your chest things that you wouldn't say in RL.

It's very upsetting when this happens OP - happens a lot from DHs side of the family. For my 30th birthday I got from SIL and family a pair of gaudy £10 Accessorize slippers that were two sizes too small. MIL bought me the Jennifer Saunders autobiography two years in a row (never expressed any interest in JS). There have been other instances over the years but I can't remember them all.

A lot of the time I laugh it off, but then sometimes I feel upset because I put a lot of thought into gifts for them and think about what things they enjoy and talk about and it often feels like they've just picked up the first thing they've seen on a shelf. We always spend more on them when it's a special birthday, but for the two special birthdays I've had since being with DH I got a thoughtless £10 present both times. Apparently they didn't even know it was my 30th/40th....

Anyway sorry I've gone off on one after a couple too many Buck's Fizz! Sorry OP!

Then we might as well not bother

Excellent option. When adults are reduced to exchanging food items maybe just agree to a Secret Santa or kids only. Nothing wrong with reducing stress, not wasting money on tat that people don't want or need and focusing on things that ave more meaningful for you.

Look you can choose how you respond to this. You can take it to heart, nurse your upset and feel miserable and unloved or you can see it for what it is, that some people chose some little things to give you and they weren’t what you wanted. You are a grown up. Sometimes you don’t get the nicest slice of cake or any cake at all, sometimes the haircut turns out unflattering, or you burn your toast or your child likes daddy more this week. You have a family and a life that many would envy. Move on.

Some people just aren’t great at buying presents, but I can see why it feels a bit rubbish to get generic gifts, like not one person has properly thought about what you’d actually love.
Last year I asked my DH for a coffee machine (only a cheap one) but it just didn’t occur to him to add some nice coffee to go with it, like I would have if it’d been for him. I just know it won’t have crossed his mind.
I hate receiving anything that I could have basically added to my weekly shop.
I like to receive luxurious things I wouldn’t usually buy for myself, so nice candles, perfume - even a sampler set would do if you don’t know which one to choose. And I’d much rather receive one decent thing that makes me go “ooh” rather than a whole pile of cheap stuff that’s just a bit boring.

Do a lot of families just not make wish lists? We use an app - everyone has their list and can add specific items or general requests/ideas for themselves or others. When you buy something for someone you can mark it off so they can’t see it’s been bought but others can. Of course people still go off-list when they’ve got an idea for someone but it helps to have starting places.

I just think if you really don't know what people would like then get them a voucher.

I'd actually rather have nothing at all than something that I'm going to have to donate to charity/pass on. It's a waste of the givers money too.

What app do you use? Great idea

We tried this but DSis & DBil ate cheeky fuckers and put down gifts from £1000 to £100.

@spottykimchi next year don't make hints - make a wish list 🎄

We’ve had both sides of our families on Giftster for years and it’s been fantastic.

It’s great for adults but an absolute sanity saver for the DC… I have child accounts attached to mine for littles and then once they have their own phone they keep their own list. I don’t have to keep track of which suggestions I gave to which grandparent or what various people have said they’re getting, we can add in their current sizes (and things like favorite colors), and people can look at what’s been bought for past birthdays and Christmases.

And? Then they get a nice candle or socks - it’s a wish list not a shopping order and they’re adults who understand money. FAFO.

With DC we of course help make sure they have a range or price/size ideas. The tweens and teens are old enough to understand that different people will have different budgets for them.

All of that can go to charity, chocs to foodbank and most charity shops will take unopened bath sets after Xmas. Put it all in a box by the door now and if anyone asks, say it’s all going to charity.

If wider family are jaded with gift-giving, you could all agree to do food/drink gifts or Secret Santa going forward but it’s a bit of a slap in the face to get such thoughtless gifts from absolutely everyone when you have made a big effort - commiserations xx

I agree with you that's really pants and unimaginative and not surprised you feel disappointed.

I agree with a PP . If I saw someone with sore hands the last thing I would get them is hand cream incase it made it worse. And I know my DH well but I don't necessarily know what he has and hasn't got relating to his interests. Or what is the best stuff to get so I wouldn't know if he needed say a driver or a putter if he was into golf or whether there was a make that was his favourite or any other thing about it. But I do know he eats chocolate and uses deodorant so Dairy Milk and Lynx is a safe but boring option

Look, OP, a LOT of people would find handcream or a silly Mum mug just as generic as chocolate or bath stuff.

If you want a specific thing, you need to make lists and tell people. Or dump the whole “adults exchanging presents” madness and agree to stop the gifts next year. It it clear that it is not creating much joy for anyone. You don’t want the gifts because you want carefully hand picked stuff, and everyone else is buying generic stuff because buying presents for 15 adults is pretty tiresome.

I've decided to tell people what I want. People buy me accessories and I absolutely hate them, so I'm going to just pick them out in future.

Shouldn't her husband notice?