Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

This is really sad. I suspect your dad's new relationship is part of why your aunt has behaved this way. People can behave in strange ways with grief and her misplaced feelings that your dad has betrayed your mum. I'm pleased to hear you don't hold the same feelings about this.
In your position, I would firstly write down your feelings, so you can assess what you want to say. Then I would have a conversation with aunt. I would come from a point of loving her, loving your mum and the expectation that this was something your mum woukd want you to have. That your aunt knew how you felt, but perhaps hadn't realised the depth of your feelings. That it feels like this is going to come between you, so you want to talk about it. That your first reaction was one of anger, sadness and extreme disappointment, mixed with feeling you are loosing a part of your mum all over again. That this jumble of feelings has made you want to cut off from her, to distance yourself from the hurt. However the adult part of you knows that longer term, it's better to try to sort this out. As your aunt shows she cares about you in lots of ways, I would assess this annomly against that backdrop of other kinder behaviour. Hopefully you can reach a compromise.

We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad,

Were your mother's belongings left to you and your siblings? If not, then they weren't yours to divide up. Your aunt didn't steal the cutlery- your father gave it to her. If the items weren't actually left to you then it was your father's call.

You come across as greedy and spiteful. Oh and your aunt lent you her car - unless you meant you were borrowing her car?

The sense of entitlement and underhandedness is not easily forgiven.

You need to call her out. Be very clear with her that what she chooses to do next will determine your relationship going forward.

She didn't steal it. She asked the owner for it and he gave it to her willingly. He's a grown man who could have said no but he didn't. Why is the aunt "greedy" for wanting to have items that belonged to HER parents in her possession? It's the exact position the Op is in. A very sentimental item that reminds her of food times with her deceased mother. Both aunt and op have the same emotional attachment to the objects and neither are the legal owners of the objects. But one is greedy and one is justified?

The items were sitting in the home of a man (not a direct relative) and his girlfriend. If he marries her the silverware becomes hers. Perhaps the aunt just couldn't face this happening. She asked for it and she got it.

The silver was passed down to OP’s mother. It doesn’t get passed sidewards unless there are no children.

It was passed to her husband. Who can choose to do what he wants with it. Including leaving it to his girlfriend.

I can understand why your dad handed it over. He lost your mum and some silver can’t change that, and more critically he did not want to listen to a load of whinging from your mum’s sister. You are right not to have a beef with him over this.

Your aunt on the other hand, has been a sneaky cow. Deliberately obtaining the silver in the summer, well away from Christmas. And leaving this as an upsetting realisation for you at Christmas. She’s been a total cow to obtain it after you said no and told her it’s part of your Christmas tradition.

on the other hand, it’s just “stuff”

What did she say in her defensive/nasty text - how bad was it?

That makes no sense, I am pointing out that I posted very mildly compared to the vitriol being sent toward the aunt.
Don't feel obliged to reply, again.

The cutlery holds a lot of sentimental value to your aunt as it was her parents' cutlery. Your aunt may be concerned that the cutlery would no longer remain within her family if your father held onto the cutlery. The cutlery could be passed on to his new partner/wife on his death.

Taking the cutlery may have been your aunt's somewhat misguided way of ensuring the cutlery remains within her family. If your aunt has the cutlery, she has control and can pass it to you when she dies.

To those who suggest i might inherit my aunt eventually. Its not that simple. She is the oldest, and other siblings are considerably younger and they would inherit her. And she has many godchildren that she treats like her own. Im not one of them.
And this is not about the silver really. I can live without it. Its about betrayal. And being lied to. And my feelings about this being clear and them being disregarded.
My dad wont marry his new partner. They dont even live together and have no intention to. They like it like that.

Then it's a worse betrayal of she wanted something for the babysitting and didn't ask outright at the time. Instead she bullied OPs dad into getting it behind her back.

OP I never say NC. But I would now. Aside from taking the silver, it sounds like she's been abominable to your dad.

I would also make it clear to other family members why you're cutting things off, be factual and to the point.

the silver was your mothers, to pass down to her children and grandchildren.

Er, from the facts available OP's mother didn't do that. OP's mother could have made that clear in her will. If she didn't, it belongs to OP's father.

It is simple if she bequeaths it to you.Instead of falling out with her and behaving like a surly teenager, you could have asked that she leave the silver to you in her will.

It wasn’t your silver to give away. It was your father’s. I don’t get why the aunt is getting all the stick here. The issue is with your father.

Finally, I think it’s a tad naive to believe that your father will never remarry. Many do much later in life, not to declare their love, but to make sure the other partner is provided for when they die and IHT reasons

I would act normal, arrange a visit, take back the silver, leave and block her. If you want to cover your back, call the police non emergency number first and tell them you're going to retrieve what she's stolen.

I know it's not about the silver. It's terrible behaviour from your aunt. I'm so sorry about your Mum. This is the last thing you need x

OP , did you actually inherit this item from your mother? If your mother didn't leave it to you in her will it almost certainly belonged to your father.

take back the silver,

That would actually be theft; unlike what OP's aunt has done.

The aunt has not stolen it. The property owner was the father- the father gave it to the aunt. The property is now the aunts. If the OP did as you suggested, she would be the one stealing.

My god the advice on here is shocking

I’ll bet that when the aunt asked the OPs dad about having it she didn’t say “I’ve already asked Noihin and she said no as she felt it was hers and has a sentimental value attached to it and still uses it”.

Isn' it just. The prize for the worst goes to the poster who suggests OP should steal it back.

Are you honestly suggesting that you think she built a relationship over very many years, in order to get her hands on 200 quids worth of silver? That seems unlikely. If the relationship was merely manipulation, surely it would have ended once she got the silver? I think the person to be annoyed with here is your father. He's given away one of your mother's prize possessions, and I think really you're angry with him, and deflecting that onto the aunt.

First of all OP I’m very sorry about your mum.

I think it’s worth seeing it from your aunt’s point of view. Whatever sentimental value the set holds for you it likely holds much more for her given it was part of her childhood.

The set which had sentimental value to her was in her BIL’s house and his is now in a new relationship. He could get married for all she knows.

She didn’t steal it from your dad she asked him and he said yes. I completely understand why you’re upset because of the sentiment but you are the next generation, as your mum died the decision was your dad’s to make.

Its just stuff, your aunt didn’t stand back and recognise this and now neither are you.

Don’t lose her over this.

Don't slag off hand knitting

I think, unfortunately, the relationship is forever tarnished (sorry!) so regardless of what happens to the silver, it’s not going to resolve. Even if she decides to give it to you, the betrayal and sheer sneakiness of her keeping it quiet will upset you forever.

Aunt has spent 10 years demanding the silver, ever since OP's mum passed away. Saying it was 'hers'.

Gross. And yes, I think she kept her hand in keeping relationships and then sneakily went around the OP to get it back, and is now playing the victim who hasn't done anything wrong because OP's dad 'gave it to her'.

Sure he did. Because he was exhausted from it all and thought he was doing the right thing to preserve family relationships for the OP's sake. Misguided, but it's done.

But I'd be done with aunt as well.

I suspect the aunts account of this story would be very different …