Heartbroken-greedy aunt wwyd

[Noihin]

My mum was one of 5 siblings, and when my GPs died over 20 years ago, the siblings divided their parents belongings amongst each other. GPs were not wealthy but had some nice things. My mum got their wedding silver. Mum was really happy and we used them every Christmas. It was a big deal for her. I was also close to my GPs.

As soon as my mum died 10 yrs ago (she is the only sibling that has passed and died quite young) my mums sister started to mention she wants the silver and it belongs to her. We, my mums children have not divided her belongings at all. They are still in the house with my dad, and we prefer it that way. I told her no. And that we use it, and it is part of our tradition.

I have grown really close to this aunt since my mums death. She has no children of her own and has been a huge part of our lives with babysitting, borrowing me her car etc. I have thought we have a genuine love for each other.

Now, i'm at my dads and i saw that the silver is gone. My dad said aunt came and demanded it last summer and he gave it her. He says its only materia and he doesn't think its right but he doesn't care.
I am deeply hurt. She went behind my back to do this, and has not once mentioned this to me all this time. I texted her to ask why she did this and she turned defensive and nasty. A side i've never seen if her before. I am heartbroken. I feel betrayed and manipulated. The monetary value is not much, but its the greed, betrayal and disregard, as well as seeing the shady side of her that has shaken me. I don't know what to do. Im very bad at keeping up the appearances if someone has hurt me. On the other hand my children will miss her if i stop seeing her.

@Noihin you're being rather foolish here, if you cut your Aunt out you will never see the family silver again. If you talk to her and say you understand it's value to her but would she please will it too you, then you could get it back later. What do you want most, the silver or to be outraged by your Aunt? Sometimes you have to play the long game

Yes, I see your point, and this aunt has obviously been kind to OP in lots of ways, but she will have had her own items which belonged to OP's grandparents.
OP says that her mum, aunt, and 3 other siblings were able to share their GPs' belongings amongst themselves.
What isn't mentioned, however, is how it was decided who gets what?

I feel a lot of posters are on here to whip everyone up to a frenzy
I agree let the dust settle and speak to her when you are in a calmer state of mind
Let her know what the cutlery means to you and how she has made you feel by her actions.

That's awful. I'd be annoyed with the person who just let her take it. Tell her it's stealing and you will forgive and forget if she returns them and agrees never to mention it again. If she refuses then tell her your relationship will be over, permanently. She can't just take stuff like that?! Without it being offered. What a horrible person.

I would let your other aunts/uncles (her siblings) know what she's done.

She's a thief, who has stolen your mother's inheritance for herself, rather than see it pass down to her sister's own children.

Scum.

Maybe your Aunt thinks the Silver won't have same sentimental value to your Dad and his new Girlfriend. As it has been your Aunts Parent's and Sister's so probably feels should be with her. Don't worry you'll get it back in her will. And then you will have a deeper connection as it belonged to your Grandparents, DM and Aunt.
What you have written about your Aunt being there for you after your DM passed away I wouldn't want to lose that over this.

What's she's done is very wrong.

Try not to dwell on it today. You can work out your next move in a couple of days.

She's still your good aunt. Yes, she made a bad decision, however, sometimes we just don't realise to what extent. Speak to her when you're calm and, hopefully, you can work it out.

Why would anyone bother to 'play the long game' over an item valued at possibly £200? The really sad thing would be to give it headspace.

Because @adorablecat the sentimental value is what concerns the Op, not the money. I'm sure the Op could find £300 for new silver if that's what she wanted

This is why WILLS are so important.
To absolutely be certain that future ownership is adhered to.

Presumably your dad inherited from your mum, did he know you wanted them? Is there any chance your mum and aunt ever spoke about the silver? She may also have had fond memories with them and may see them still as your GP's more than your mum's which would make it hard to see them go to your dad. I'm not excusing it, she knew you also wanted the silver and it's not fair to demand them or to be nasty now. She's 100% in the wrong, only you know the specific dynamics of your relationships with each other and your mum/GPs to decide if you can forgive, but the 'she'd be dead to me' comments take it too far imo. It sounds like you had an otherwise good relationship and it could be worth a proper in person chat about how the silverware has come to be such an issue.

how can hand knitted socks lack warmth?
there is plenty of warmth in knitting someone socks

This. Reading updates I wonder whether your aunt was concerned that the cutlery would be taken by your Dad's new partner if he died and thus would be out of the family's possession. It's not a reasonable thing to do (to take the silver) but emotional attachment to items can lead people to act irrationally. Talk to her, this may all resolve with a calm conversation.

Your children may miss her, (but as they grow older they will be less interested in her anyway, that's just life), so I would just cut her out - not with a big scene, just by letting her go, iyswim. She's gone behind your back to take something that had been left to your mother, and which your mother would have wanted you and your siblings to have. She's literally stolen the family silver! A cliché but true!

Let her enjoy sitting looking at it all on her own.

She has no children of her own and has been a great help with babysitting, lending the car, etc. To whom do you think she will leave this silver together with the house and all other belongings when she dies? Well, correction, would have left had you not behaved in the same grabby way? Granted, she is grabby, but so are you.

Sorry I'm not clear, when your Mum passed away did your Dad inherit the silver? If so it is unfortunately his decision whether and to whom to give it away. Still pretty rubbish of your Aunt to keep raising it with him for another decade (!) but also not great of your Dad if he knew how much it meant to you (and your siblings).

I’d cut her off completely.

I have one rule where inheritance and assets are concerned. If you’re willing to fight over something that isn’t yours, then take it. But it’ll cost you your relationship with me. If you’re ok with that, then off you trott with said stuff.

When they chose stuff over people, you realise it was never about you anyway, and family isn’t important to them.

Go to her house and get it all back.

It's that simple.

It isn't hers. She got her share of the estate when her parents passed away. It's yours (at least in my eyes it is).

OP you haven’t stated if the silver was bequeathed to you/siblings, which I’m guessing because your mother died so young, there was no provision for you or your siblings to be given the silver.

Therefore, the silver was your fathers.

Your issue should be with your father. He didn’t care if he gave it away- that should be your concern. He didn’t value the set, your aunt does. Surely it’s best going to her.

Additionally, seen as she has no children herself, it’s likely she will leave the silver to you.

Has she gone about this the right way? No. Was she upset that her parents silver is with your DF and he is now with a new partner, yes probably.

Let it go. She’s been kind to you and for some reason, this silver means a lot to her.

It was never yours to give. It was your father’s but it’s likely it will come your way anyway. Move on

I would put this to one side over Christmas and revisit in the New Year once everything is done and dusted for the holiday period.

Unless the OP was bequeathed the silver, then it’s of no concern to the OP who her DF gave the silver to. It was his to give and he chose to give it to the aunt. OPs issue should be with her DF not aunt.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. The silverware belonged to her parents and just like it symbolised lovely family times for you it probably did for her too. She may have concerns that now your dad has a new partner the silverware might somehow fall out of the family. You sound like you have been close to her and people don't generally lend cars and offer child care to people they don't care a great deal for. I would be hesitant to allow this to come between us. I understand how angry you must feel at the duplicity and how she o trained the goods. Speak to her. Explain that you're upset about her going behind your back. Remind her how much this silverware means to you all but acknowledge that it may mean the same to her. Try and find a compromise. Can she leave the service to you and your family in her will? Can you share it, so you can still use it for special occasions?

What would your mum have prioritised - the relationship or the stuff?

I understand you’re hurt, OP. But don’t blame your dad. Your aunt manipulated him. It would have been hard for your dad to refuse her..

I can also see your aunt’s point that she may have valued the family silver more than whatever she inherited, and feared your dad’s GF would get it. But that didn’t give her the right to demand it back.

Edited to add: I agree with PureBoggin. See if you can reach a compromise. Preferably for you to have it in her will, so you can pass it on to your children.

OP is not grabby. Her mother was left family silver and I presume her mother’s siblings were left other meaningful things. That’s what dividing things is about.
I would assume that OP’s mum would assume the silver would go to her. It’s a direct line.
The dad should have chased the aunt.
The aunt knew it was wrong to not discuss it with her beloved niece. Hence the swoop.
One thing I would say is, it’s a good lesson in having a decent will and a letter of wishes. I have one down to a family fruit bowl.
This aunt is resentful. She clearly sees her parents things as hers.
What is she doing to use it for? To sit on her own?
I could not forgive this.

@ACatNamedRobin that doesn't excuse her behaviour at all. The silverware was what OPs mum got from her parents - presumably this aunt also received something. The silverware should then be passed down. If the aunt had a huge sentimental attachment to it she may have asked for it but in any case she was refused as it has now become an important sentimental item to the OP. To then steal it behind OPs back? This is a betrayal that negates any good things she has done in the past, which one assumes she did out of love.