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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable being uncomfortable with the age gap of my Daughter's relationship?

136 replies

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 03:53

My Daughter (35F) has a boyfriend (25M).
They have been together for around 6 months and he is a lovely young man, he is a doctor which I was absolutely thrilled about.
When me and my DH met him he was visibly younger, I cannot fault him at all.
I just feel a little uncomfortable about the age gap and wonder what his parents must think of the gap.

I think if the roles were reversed me and DH would be a little concerned. I know this is not my business to interfere with as they are both happy, but I just can't help feeling uncomfortable as to me he is so visibly younger.

I would like some reassurance more than anything or advice from other's who have found themselves in the situation where your child is in a relationship with a bit of an age gap, did you find it uncomfortable and did it pass?

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 25/12/2024 04:03

I know this is not my business to interfere with

and yet you still want to interfere…

as they are both happy

Isn’t that the key here? your daughter is THIRTY FIVE. Surely there comes a point where you can’t control someone as a parent in their thirties. And her choices stay HER choices?

but I just can't help feeling uncomfortable as to me he is so visibly younger.

what are you really uncomfortable about here… that it’s not you being able to get someone 10 years younger?

Why does your daughter have to have someone who “visibly” matches her in some strange way?

MangoRose · 25/12/2024 04:04

I don't really understand why you would be concerned either way round TBH, neither are young adults and he has a particularly responsible job which tends to make people more mature.

ABunchOfBadBitches · 25/12/2024 04:05

I wouldn’t like that but nothing you can do

poormenagain · 25/12/2024 04:06

I can't YABU/YANBU, but - when you say I think if the roles were reversed me and DH would be a little concerned do you mean if your daughter were 25 and her new boyfriend 35? Ten years can be a lot at that age, but it's not inherently unworkable. Of course, there are other pressures on the relationship if your daughter wants children and maybe a younger male partner doesn't yet. Do you think that might be the case?

Otherwise, I do understand your concern, but I guess it depends how adult the 25 year old is - because certainly a 25yo can be pretty mature and experienced. Is there anything else in the relationship that makes you uneasy? Have you talked with your daughter about it and what does she say?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/12/2024 04:19

My friend who has just turned 40 had exactly same age gap when she met her DH and we were all doubtful he'd want to settle down, but he is a great and very mature husband to her they have moved to the Cotswolds and had a baby and are very happy. Her MIL has always been very prickly with her - my friend is absolutely lovely so can only assume this is to do with age. Don't be that MIL.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/12/2024 04:20

My parents also have similar age gap and just celebrated their Ruby wedding

Bunny44 · 25/12/2024 04:24

FWIW I'm mid 30s and dated someone 10 years older when I was in my 20s for 8 years and then I dated a guy 10 years younger not long ago. It didn't work out but his parents loved me! They thought I was a really good influence on him. Didn't work out as we weren't in the same place but sounds like your daughter has met a very nice guy. Leave them to it 😊. Men date much younger women all the time and no one cares so it's sexist to care in reverse.

MsWillis · 25/12/2024 04:31

There are so many threads about men ending up as grumpy old gits, maybe this will combat that. Could be the exact way to avoid grumpy old man syndrome.

EeewDavid · 25/12/2024 04:32

I met DH when I was 35 and he was 26. We’re still together 12 years later with a lovely son and home and lots of mutual friends!

Leave them to it!

garlictwist · 25/12/2024 04:36

I am 43 and my husband is ten years younger. We met when I was 30 and he was 20. I didn't realise how young he was initially and was a bit shocked when I found out but by then I was into him and it was too late!

I never notice the age gap and it stopped being an issue very early on it's rarer for the woman to be older and people wouldn't bat an eyelid if it were the other way around. Weirdly my best friend also is married to a younger man and there are 12 years between them - she is 43 and he 31

DaringlyPurple · 25/12/2024 04:41

My grandmother was 34 and my grandfather was 26 when they married. They were obviously much more tolerant in 1912.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 25/12/2024 04:47

My DMIL was 13 years older than her DH, my DH step father. They were married for nearly 40 years until she died last year. It was definitely true love for them.

Ohnonotmeagain · 25/12/2024 04:47

Why are you thrilled he is a doctor? Terrible profession to be in a relationship with. I’d be more worried about that than the age gap tbh.

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:48

JacquesHarlow · 25/12/2024 04:03

I know this is not my business to interfere with

and yet you still want to interfere…

as they are both happy

Isn’t that the key here? your daughter is THIRTY FIVE. Surely there comes a point where you can’t control someone as a parent in their thirties. And her choices stay HER choices?

but I just can't help feeling uncomfortable as to me he is so visibly younger.

what are you really uncomfortable about here… that it’s not you being able to get someone 10 years younger?

Why does your daughter have to have someone who “visibly” matches her in some strange way?

It isn't that, my Daughter has had boyfriends before who are older. If she was 25 and she brought home someone in their mid to late thirties DH and I certainly would not be thrilled.
I have not voiced anything to her as I am aware it is not my place, but this is how I feel and I wanted to vent my feelings

OP posts:
Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:50

poormenagain · 25/12/2024 04:06

I can't YABU/YANBU, but - when you say I think if the roles were reversed me and DH would be a little concerned do you mean if your daughter were 25 and her new boyfriend 35? Ten years can be a lot at that age, but it's not inherently unworkable. Of course, there are other pressures on the relationship if your daughter wants children and maybe a younger male partner doesn't yet. Do you think that might be the case?

Otherwise, I do understand your concern, but I guess it depends how adult the 25 year old is - because certainly a 25yo can be pretty mature and experienced. Is there anything else in the relationship that makes you uneasy? Have you talked with your daughter about it and what does she say?

I have not spoke with her as I know this isn not my place and I know it would be disrespectful. I manily wanted to vent my feelings and get the opinions of others before I did anything else

OP posts:
Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:57

Ohnonotmeagain · 25/12/2024 04:47

Why are you thrilled he is a doctor? Terrible profession to be in a relationship with. I’d be more worried about that than the age gap tbh.

Because it means he is a very hard working, intelligent and caring young man (and it certainly comes across from having met him).
I am well aware you can have those qaulities in a different profession but she has dated someone in the past who has lacked those qualities so that may be why I am particularly thrilled

OP posts:
Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:58

garlictwist · 25/12/2024 04:36

I am 43 and my husband is ten years younger. We met when I was 30 and he was 20. I didn't realise how young he was initially and was a bit shocked when I found out but by then I was into him and it was too late!

I never notice the age gap and it stopped being an issue very early on it's rarer for the woman to be older and people wouldn't bat an eyelid if it were the other way around. Weirdly my best friend also is married to a younger man and there are 12 years between them - she is 43 and he 31

One of those worries is he is still young and could very well not be ready for children, but she certainly wants them and she cannot wait too long

OP posts:
katter · 25/12/2024 05:10

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:58

One of those worries is he is still young and could very well not be ready for children, but she certainly wants them and she cannot wait too long

But you daughter knows this and they presumably have already discussed this when they got together.
25 isn't that young to have children either

buymeaboaanddrivemetoreno · 25/12/2024 05:12

Well my DH and I have an 11 year age gap. Let your daughter enjoy her relationship.

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 05:12

katter · 25/12/2024 05:10

But you daughter knows this and they presumably have already discussed this when they got together.
25 isn't that young to have children either

He has spent most of his adult years in education and thenworking as a doctor so he hasn't really had those life experiences that he may want to have

OP posts:
Lafee · 25/12/2024 05:12

I've seen so many relationships "fail" when there's the usual two or three year gap.

There's no guarantee on the longevity of a friendship or a relationship of any kind.

As far as age is concerned, it may help if the maturity of both, matches up better than their birth ages.

How would you feel if you "had a word" with your daughter, then she took your advice, and she ended up with a person of much closer age.... THEN .... she became so unhappy because she didn't feel as close, or as stimulated, or worse, he might turn out to be one of the abusive twats that unfortunately you read about on this forum.

Everyone's life is their own to either get it right, or make mistakes.

I can so understand the fears you have for your daughter, as my own dc had a relationship that was so subtly toxic, it wasn't apparent to them, as they were "so in love"....
....................I went through mental anguish whilst that relationship lasted, but I kept my opinions to myself, was pleasant and even friendly to the person....
......................................time went on and eventually my dc saw for themselves, without any interference from me.

Of course it was still devastating, but at least it broke before marriage was planned.

X amount of years later, my dc is married, and there is an "age gap", but this time my dc has thrived in this relationship, they are loved and supported, and that is also the case for the partner.

As much as it pains you, I doubt your daughter would want your disapproval, no matter how well intentioned.

All any good and decent parent can do is to "be there" for their child when something goes wrong.
Just as you would want to share in your daughters joys, you may have to also share her woes without the umbrella of "I told you so" or "I thought as much".....

Good luck OP, being a parent never stops being potentially difficult, no matter what the age of your children.

katter · 25/12/2024 05:17

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 05:12

He has spent most of his adult years in education and thenworking as a doctor so he hasn't really had those life experiences that he may want to have

Isn't that the life experience most adults have? Education and working?
Not everybody at that age wants to date around, go to parties or traveling. Some people at that age want to settle down.
I just don't get what is so unusal about someone wanting to have a child at 25.

AhBiscuits · 25/12/2024 05:23

My only concern would be that she needs to have a child asap if she wants one, whereas he's quite young to be a dad.

Tippletoomany · 25/12/2024 05:56

she’s 35 OP, she can make her own decisions and it’s your responsibility to be there for her if she’s made the wrong decision. be happy she’s happy and let her enjoy her life. i had relationships ruined when i was younger by other people interfering and questioning my choices - relationships which were otherwise happy until everyone else butted their noses in!

rwalker · 25/12/2024 06:05

I’d be worried but just have to suck it up and watch from the sidelines
my concern would would be at 35 there be pressure for kids he’ll go along with it then when it’s too late realise he’s never really lived life and feel trapped and clear off

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