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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable being uncomfortable with the age gap of my Daughter's relationship?

136 replies

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 03:53

My Daughter (35F) has a boyfriend (25M).
They have been together for around 6 months and he is a lovely young man, he is a doctor which I was absolutely thrilled about.
When me and my DH met him he was visibly younger, I cannot fault him at all.
I just feel a little uncomfortable about the age gap and wonder what his parents must think of the gap.

I think if the roles were reversed me and DH would be a little concerned. I know this is not my business to interfere with as they are both happy, but I just can't help feeling uncomfortable as to me he is so visibly younger.

I would like some reassurance more than anything or advice from other's who have found themselves in the situation where your child is in a relationship with a bit of an age gap, did you find it uncomfortable and did it pass?

OP posts:

gannett · 26/12/2024 11:10

35 and 25 isn't an age gap that would raise much of an eyebrow with me unless there was a specific power imbalance in the relationship.

I assume a 35-year-old women and a 25-year-old doctor are fully cognizant of fertility windows and the timeline of having children, should they wish to have them - it would be very patronising of you to express those concerns to her.

Beyond that there isn't any reason to be "uncomfortable" and nothing you can do about it anyway.

HoppityBun · 26/12/2024 11:14

he is a doctor which I was absolutely thrilled about.

This reminds me of “my son, the doctor” Jewish jokes.

I’ve nothing against doctors, many are very decent people, but …?

OhJustGiveItARest · 26/12/2024 11:16

My son, at the age of 24, got with a married (they were leading separate lives) woman of 52 (4 years older than me). We got to know her, included her in all family gatherings, etc., and they were together for 9 years. He's now with someone 8 years younger and they've got children.

"I know this is not my business to interfere" - THEN DON'T.

Betchyaby · 26/12/2024 11:17

My DH is 17 years older. I was 25 when we met. Been together 9 years, married 4 years in May. Neither set of parents had an issue with it. I think my in-laws were just glad I was normal after the previous psycho.

I couldn't imagine dating a much younger man though.

Basketballhoop · 26/12/2024 11:27

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 04:58

One of those worries is he is still young and could very well not be ready for children, but she certainly wants them and she cannot wait too long

Show quote history

She is 35, not 45. They are both adults, and this is their conversation to have, not yours as a potential grandmother who is imagining her daughter wasting her fertile years and removing your possibility to be a grandparent.

2chocolateoranges · 26/12/2024 11:34

When my adult children are in relationships I ask myself are they both happy , can they provide for each other and do they treat them well, that is all you need to be concerned about. Not their age , their job or what they have and haven’t experienced in life.

Pickles2025 · 26/12/2024 13:00

Tennis1869 · 25/12/2024 20:55

I have always been concerned with these age gap relationships and it's typically older men leering over younger women, I wonder why can they not date someone their own age.
I wouldn;t have been happy if she was in her early- mid twenties bringing home older men, but instead it is the other way around and I worry what his family must think

Show quote history

possibility presumably the same as your perception as a possibility eg the woman is a cougar i believe the term is, if im rembering it correctly

fanaticalfairy · 26/12/2024 13:02

poormenagain · 25/12/2024 04:06

I can't YABU/YANBU, but - when you say I think if the roles were reversed me and DH would be a little concerned do you mean if your daughter were 25 and her new boyfriend 35? Ten years can be a lot at that age, but it's not inherently unworkable. Of course, there are other pressures on the relationship if your daughter wants children and maybe a younger male partner doesn't yet. Do you think that might be the case?

Otherwise, I do understand your concern, but I guess it depends how adult the 25 year old is - because certainly a 25yo can be pretty mature and experienced. Is there anything else in the relationship that makes you uneasy? Have you talked with your daughter about it and what does she say?

I should think a 25yo doctor is going to be quite mature!

Pickles2025 · 26/12/2024 13:02

Agix · 26/12/2024 11:02

OP, if you're concerned that your daughter is exploiting this young man's lesser life experience to coerce and control him and take advantage, you need to be having words with her.

If you don't have concerns about him being abused by your daughter, then why are you getting yourself in a tizz?

If the roles were reversed and it was an older partner you didn't know, of course you'd be concerned.. ahe gap relationships do leave the younger partner vulnerable oftentimes... but it's not role reverse.

Maybe his family are wondering about your daughter, yes, but thats for them to deal with and discuss with their son... again, unless you think your daughter can be abusive.

basically this

Quweenie · 27/12/2024 15:12

JacquesHarlow · 25/12/2024 04:03

I know this is not my business to interfere with

and yet you still want to interfere…

as they are both happy

Isn’t that the key here? your daughter is THIRTY FIVE. Surely there comes a point where you can’t control someone as a parent in their thirties. And her choices stay HER choices?

but I just can't help feeling uncomfortable as to me he is so visibly younger.

what are you really uncomfortable about here… that it’s not you being able to get someone 10 years younger?

Why does your daughter have to have someone who “visibly” matches her in some strange way?

What an overreaction!

People are allowed to ask for opinions on here.

And your last comment… stop projecting.

Snackpocket · 27/12/2024 15:29

She’s 35 years old, it’s literally none of your business.

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